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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For wanting to move house while on disability benefits?

49 replies

SuramarMom · 17/09/2016 18:12

Dh is pretty despondent about all this but I am trying to remain positive.

We need to move house.

I had been looking into options but something a close friend has said has given me pause to wonder whether we are being entitled even asking if we can. I'm not even sure it's possible.

So as not to drip feed here are the details:

We are currently in a 3 bed with two medium sized bedrooms and a box room. There is our bedroom, dd's bedroom, dsd's (50/50 care) bedroom.

We have a mortgage. I am dh's carer. We get income support and council tax benefit as well as disability benefits.

Dh is disabled, it's never going to get better. He is on the high rate of Pip.

Our daughter has autism and is also on the highest rate of the care component of dla. She needs her own room.

Ds is in our room at the minute but he is fast outgrowing his side cot.

I can't fit a full size cot in our room or in dsd's box room. Dd is very aggressive during the night so he can't go in her room.

So we are stuck and need another bedroom.

I was looking in to mortgage brokers and was about to ask the cab for advice but it got back to me that my friend had been going on to everyone about how selfish and entitled we were thinking about using benefits to get a larger house.

Are we?

OP posts:

cexuwaleozbu · 18/09/2016 05:01

Yanbu at all to try to get a bigger house if you can.

However I would echo the suggestion up thread that DD should have the boxroom and the larger bedroom should be shared between 50% resident DSD and 100% resident DS. Is it big enough to partition with say a couple of book cases at right angles to the wall to delineate the space? You could have the half furthest from the door containing DS's cot, and in the side nearest the door have DSD's bed arranged so that it can be used like a sofa/daybed so that at times when DSD isn't with you this area can be like a mini play room that DS can use (but tidy all baby stuff over to his side before DSD arrives)

Foslady · 18/09/2016 07:51

So it's ok to pay someone else's BTL mortgage on Housing Benefit but it's not ok to buy your own house using your benefits even though you can afford to? Just because your him ands health situation has changed she thinks your whole life should be put on hold?
Angry on your behalf!

Foslady · 18/09/2016 07:52

Him ands? Husbands!

Original poster

SuramarMom · 18/09/2016 09:51

Yes DH does have a specialist charity I can ask.

I can understand the argument about it being tax payers money I guess.

But I have no choice but to be a full time carer for DH and now dd. Trust me, I'd love to be going to work on Monday.

It's hardly a picnic. Which is why I'm so upset with my soon to be ex friend. She knows what we have to do day in and out.

I will check out about that disabled facilities grant, thank you.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 18/09/2016 10:01

Your friend is an idiot. Disability can and does happen to anyone. It's not some sort of exclusive club. She's being very short sighted. There is an element of income compensation in disability benefit - and so there should be. In a modern and caring society those unable to work for whatever reason should be entitled to a comfortable life. The trouble with this government is that they have made everyone think dla etc is a stop gap until people recover / can go back to work- conveniently forgetting that for lots of people there is no recovery.

Of course you should move / get a mortgage if you need to. We have a son on the highest rate of dla and we got a mortgage with Nationwide who accepted our dla and tax credits as income. Worth looking into.

MrsJayy · 18/09/2016 10:05

Your friend is 1 of those you should just survive on benefits these people are nobs. If you can afford to move do it you need a bigger house its not anybodies business.

MrsJayy · 18/09/2016 10:07

It isn't tax payers money its your money.

MissDuke · 18/09/2016 10:36

What an absolute bitch! Morally you are doing nothing wrong. In terms of the realities, I honestly don't know. Taking on a bigger mortgage really mightn't be a good idea in your situation. I am not meaning to scare you, but we really don't know what the future is for disability benefits under the current government. Of course you could argue the same for anyone - even those in employment face an uncertain future. I would definitely make some enquiries with mortgage providers anyway and see what they say.

We are in a similar position, except we have had no choice but to have the dd's share, we both work but I am afraid of taking on a bigger mortgage. We are considering all options, such as extending downstairs as this seems cheaper. Good luck working it all out.

sashh · 18/09/2016 11:02

I can understand the argument about it being tax payers money I guess.

If you are going to be on benefits for life, I would rather pay taxes for a 20/25 year mortgage then pay taxes for rent for 50 years+.

YouAreMyRain · 18/09/2016 14:31

Speak to "which?" Mortgage advisors, they will tell you which companies will take which benefits into account as income

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/09/2016 16:13

I can understand the argument about it being tax payers money I guess. Taxpayers money that could be paying for care for your DD and DH (at a million pounds a second) if you weren't a full time carer. So actually you're saving 'taxpayers' lots of money. Because without family carers, we'd all be buggered.

KathArtic · 18/09/2016 16:24

Is your DH able to get upstairs?

A few years ago there was chap near us had MS and I think his family got some funding to convert their garage into a bedroom and wetroom for him, with a sort of porch connecting it to the main house.

I would certainly ask if there is any funding or loans/grants to convert a garage, loft conversion or extension.

Sienna29 · 18/09/2016 16:26

YANBU

JellyBelli · 18/09/2016 16:29

Some friend. You get disability benefits becase you have the hassle of dealing with a disability.
You might need to move to a bungalow, or a place with wider doors and better access. Or you might need an extra room for a carer to sleep over.
Its really no one elses business. You are also taxpayers, dont forget that.

SofiaAmes · 18/09/2016 16:38

People who haven't had to care for a disabled family member have NO idea how much of a strain that is on every part of one's life. My ds has multiple disabilities and most of them are invisible. When he was younger I had to leave my career and reframe my whole life. No one understood. Now that he is a teenager and doing better health wise, I am slowly starting to put my life back together, but no one really understands. My heart goes out to you. Just ignore the "friend's" nastiness. There is always one....and sometimes more than that.

jacks11 · 18/09/2016 16:54

Your friend is not a friend, it's none of her business. Ignore her.

YANBU to look into your options for a bigger property as it sounds like you need it. Have you looked into alternatives though? For instance extending can be cheaper than moving (although a hassle whilst the work is ongoing) and I think there can be grants etc. I think it's certainly worth a chat to welfare rights in your local council or CAB (or both). Only other way to manage it whilst staying out would be for your DS and DSD to share a room (when DSD is there) and your DD take the box room. I do appreciate that would be difficult for your DD.

When it comes to the realities of getting a bigger mortgage when your income is all from benefits I would think that would be quite difficult though obviously I am not an expert and happy to be corrected.

I would think carefully though- what happens if benefits are cut further (not out with the realms of possibility given recent history)? How would you afford the payments? Might it be possible to look into suitable council housing which would offer you a bit more protection from the vagaries of the benefits system?

WankingMonkey · 18/09/2016 17:16

Your friend sounds like an utter cunt.

You sound like you really need the extra space. Who gives a fuck if you are on benefits or not.

I hate the fact that people think its fine to sneer at people on benefits and deny them a chance of a half decent life. Especially disability benefits.

Pootles2010 · 18/09/2016 17:22

Are you sure that is what your friend has really been saying? It sounds an awful lot like shit stirring from whoever told you tbh....

Apart from that of course you aren't being unreasonable! I'm sorry I can't offer practical advice, but really hope you get something sorted.

Minky00 · 18/09/2016 17:30

My goodness, with friends like that who needs enemies?

Benefits are there to help those genuinely in need and nobody can grudge that.
The trouble is there are so many people abusing the system that the money will soon run out, things can't continue as they are and when the government finally clamps down an awful lot of people will suffer.

Original poster

SuramarMom · 18/09/2016 18:48

Thank you everyone, really, there are lots of useful ideas and info.

And thank you for reassuring me as I was starting to doubt myself a lot over wherever it was right or not.

Sadly yes it has been confirmed by friend herself today exactly what her view on me and my family are.

I asked her upfront, told her what if heard and asked if it was true.

She basically called us disgusting freeloaders.

I just don't understand. She is often around our house. She sees what we have to do.

Apparently I could easily leave disabled DH with the children so I could go work a few hours. And she has to work so why don't I.

I just don't understand.

OP posts:

Original poster

SuramarMom · 18/09/2016 18:51

She has no disabled people in her household, two adults who are fully functioning and one child so I really can't see why she is even comparing her situation to ours.

I'm done with her. What a waste of years of friendship.

OP posts:

ConvincingLiar · 18/09/2016 22:42

Be glad that you've found out now what a bitch she is so you don't waste any more time on her.

MidniteScribbler · 19/09/2016 00:29

I can understand the argument about it being tax payers money I guess.

I generally find that the idiots who sprout this crap (along with the "I pay your wages" comment to teachers and health workers) tend to be those that are paying very little in tax themselves.

Klaptout · 19/09/2016 00:58

Contact your local council and ask about applying for a DFG, they will come out and do an assessment and may fund an extension, physio and OT can provide reports which are helpful.
I'm not sure if these grants are still available with all the cutbacks.
Your local MP might be able to point you towards help.
I got a council tax reduction due to adaptations i made to our house due to my children's ASD, added 2 bathrooms.
I'm glad your ditched the person that you thought was a friend, very hurtful for you to hear what she said.

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