AIBU to be annoyed at a 12 year old being scared of thunder?

[Rosamund1]

My dd is incredibly spoiled by my DM her grandma and when she visits (alone) over the summer holidays comes back very babyish. She is 12 and crying about wanting to sleep in our bed because of thunder.

Once she started secondary school I said no more sleeping in our bed. I just have the one and to be honest she still doesn't 'sleep through the night' at age 12. Mummy I want a drink of water, cold, wind, scary shadow. Typing this out now she seems insecure, but normally she is a really outgoing child.

Don't have any advice (afraid I'm pretty strict) but just wanted to let you know that this would drive me up the wall as well. I think you're getting a hard time. No way would I put up with a 12 year old waking me up at 3am unless there was an emergency

Yabu my 16 jumped out of bed he thought Somone was breaking in

It sounded like Somone was banging on his window 😳It can be very scary waking up to a loud noise not knowing what it is I think your being very harsh

Do you say this behaviour is worse after visiting your mother?

I would say that such behaviour could indicate deeper issues. And, yes, it could be insecurity, even if she looks outgoing.

I wouldn't want to try to dissect your entire dynamic here, so I think it would be best for you to check with a professional.

Still, how long does she go to grandma? Does she miss you?
Does she get enough reassurance from you during the day?
Is there anything in her life that could make her insecure of you?

My dss is 13 and claims to be afraid of thunder and I admit it annoys me but I don't let him know that and I encourage him to put headphones on and listen to music (I say claims as he has a habit of inventing things to get attention and thunder seems to be the latest thing) I think you have to give her the benefit of doubt that she is afraid and help her find ways to cope.

With regards to not sleeping through the night, it is absolutely fine for her too not sleep and to get a drink/go to the toilet/watch tv/read BUT it is not ok for her to disturb your sleep and I would be punishing her for waking you up. She's 12 not 1 and is perfectly capable of getting herself a drink

I'm scared of thunder, though it stems from a firework almost hitting me in the face as a child. Any loud bangs set me off.

I do agree about the getting into bed issue though, she nearly a teen and growing up. Waking a parent at that age should be for a good reason (I remember at 12 being very ill at night, vomiting all over my bed, when I woke my mum was told to sort it out myself and let her sleep. Never bothered her at night again).

My 7 year old crept into bed with me last night during the worst of the storm.
I heard her whispering firmly to herself "Rabbits are brave! Rabbits are brave!" (Benjamin Bunny's catchphrase for those who don't watch Peter Rabbit).

Being scared of thunder is understandable. My grandmother was petrified of until she died (in her 90s).
The whining/tantrums/crying to get her own way need to be knocked on the head. I felt annoyed on your behalf that you'd been kept awake for 40 mins while she tried to get her own way. My eldest can be a bit like that and it hasn't helped that his dad often gives in. He is very persistent! He does it much less with me now as he knows I'll just ignore him and it won't work.(Though it's very stressful silently seething and trying not to react while he's banging on and on.)

Thanks for the replies.

Just to clarify- I don't think I am annoyed that she's scared of thunder, only that it is a big performance and exaggerated for attention. Yes the babyish behaviour is worse after visiting grandma. They say she never whines when she is with them but I suspect it is because her every whim is granted by grandma and aunty.

Yes she has reason to feel insecure- Separated from her abusive dad before she can remember. This relationship with DH (stepdad) continues only for financial reasons. We are polite to each other but she must sense the tension.

What's happening with the father?
Does she spend time with him? Does he still have abusive behaviours?

Her babyish behaviour when returning could be to seek reassurance from you after being apart for a while. It may not be because they treat her differently.

And I think you're right that your relationship troubles could be affecting her. I'd seriously evaluate that.

I have a boy, just a year younger. I allow him to sleep in my bed when he wants to, particularly when I feel there are things in his life that affect him.

It could sound silly and I wasn't expecting it, but I ended up skyping him every day last year on a trip abroad because I felt he needed it (he cried in one).

My take on this is that she really needs reassurance and lots of love from you, not so much standing ground or more distancing.

With the getting up in the night and needing to let you know what she's doing in the night that sounds very much like fear OP!

I'd check your DD's not having night terrors,mine started out of nowhere when I was 13 and they were horrendous and it did make it hard for me to fall asleep and stay asleep.

In summary, ignore her justifications for waking up and talking to you.

It looks like what she needs is YOU.

earthsky.org/earth/scared-of-thunder-and-lightning-you-have-astraphobia
Im 35 and terrified of thunderstorms because out house was struck by lightning when I was a child.
The above link may not be that relevant to your dd directly but explains astraphobia

At that age I'd get her up properly to look at the lightning & count the time before the thunder & work out how close the storm* is & whether is is coming closer or going further away - might give her some control over it.

*When lightning flashes start counting seconds till the thunder sounds (I use Halifax One, Halifax Two etc) & then divide by five to give the number of miles away - light travels faster than sound so the bigger the gap, the bigger the distance.

• I don't live in Halifax but remembered this as a way of counting seconds from a book I read as a child, "Fell Farm For Christmas"!

Regarding the whining & carrying on, I'd probably use a star chart. Sounds like you won't change Grandma's indulgence but you can firmly state your own rules in your own house - and stick to them, otherwise the whining will increase exponentially to achieve the desired result.

At work now so can't really write. Ex lives with his parents which is where she stays when visiting. They are nice people so I have no concerns about him not treating her well. That said, he moved abroad so as not to pay child maintenance. No way of enforcement. So every couple of years he buys a plane ticket and an expensive present I can't afford, (laptop, Disneyland etc) and feels he's done his bit. Then I get a few weeks of 'I wish I lived there'.

I never say anything bad about him but maybe in time (even when she has her own kid) she will see that going on holiday and having fun with a child you choose not to support is not parenting. I would love to spend money on holidays and expensive headphones but I have to buy weatabix and swimming lessons and pe kits instead.

They Skype when he feels like it.

Too late for your DD: but when I was a small child I was positively encouraged to think of thunder and lightning as a treat to be enjoyed (from inside in the dry!) and if it happened late at night I was allowed to get up and watch to make it a treat.

I did the same thing with my DS.

I recommend it to all whose children are young enough or not yet born. Tell them it's fun and don't even mention fear and they won't show fear.

My MIL is 62 and terrified of thunder.

Granted she never asked to sleep in our bed mind...

I think you are being too harsh on your child personally. Most people have some kind of irrational phobia :/

I have a friend in her 90s who is terrified of thunder and lightning. When it occurs she sits in her bathroom which doesn't have a window. I'm in my 70s and suffer from claustrophobia - if you locked me in a cupboard I would scream, collapse on the floor and be hysterical. It's irrelevant if you find it annoying, whether it's your 12 year old or at any age. Have a bit of empathy.

I dont think the phobia is irrational but then my childhood home was severely damaged by ! lightning and the roof was on fire.

Rosa, she will have the measure of him. You don't need to say much.

I'd try to talk with her about her feelings in relation to him and you, possibly about your current relationship.
My gut feeling is that she needs reassurance. Getting the truth and feeling like she knows what's going on should be part of it.

I suspect that most of her night time issues will improve.

Has she got something in her room she can turn on for noise like a cd player, tv, computer. Everyone wakes through the night just most of us dont remember it. I remember moving to university and hated the quiet as I had always shared a room. I found some back ground noise helped and made me generally less anxious. My daughter has our pet rabbit in her room which helps, she would love for our son to come in her room as she gets lonely. To be honest I let my kids in our bed whenever (2 and 5) and to be honest doesn't bother as they are just scarred. I think the fact they know they can come it means they do less. Is she having nightmares. We keep hall light on so never pitch dark in our house as well. I would seriously consider getting some relaxation music to put on in back ground or audio books so she can distract herself

I think there has already been some great advice on the potentially genuine fear of thunder/storms but it sounds to me like there is a different problem here.

If she is genuinely suffering insomnia (mine started in earnest at 11/12, now late 20s) then the sooner she manages her own sleep hygiene the better. Support her to have extra blankets if she feels cold, a sheet to replace the duvet if she's hot, to take a bottle of water with her to bed if she wakes up thirsty, etc. But with your support in the evenings, she must help herself at night. If she doesn't and she does have insomnia, it will only get harder.

On top of this very specific support, you could help her with general sleep hygiene, e.g no screen time in bed, no caffeine after lunch, etc. Lots of online resources that explain this.

I wouldn't put up with whining. If it's a genuine sleep problem, she'll want to solve it soon enough. I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.

I think there are two issues here.

A) the weather phobia. What kind of treatment could work for this? Hypnotherapy? Explaining why thunder/lightning occur? Explain that you need to work on a solution together and find some kind of resolution.

B) the toddler-like tantrums. She is 12! I have a 2yo and a 5yo and her behaviour sounds very like my 2yo's right now. He's currently yelling about something from bed right now. But he's in bed, so that's that. If I responded to every little request for water/play for time, I'd be up and down for the entire evening. There is no way this will go on beyond this week, let alone for the next ten years! I'd be extremely strict with her and if she doesn't abide by basic rules about not disturbing you, allowing you to get your sleep etc, it would be no phone, no internet or whatever. Maybe I'm harsh but that kind of behaviour should not be rewarded.

Ps - not in the UK, so DS isn't up after midnight in case you're wondering!

To be simplistic I can pick up a huge spider and put it outside into the garden. Many people could not
I'm not frighened of the dark. Many people are
I am a jibbering wreck during a bad thunderstorm People laugh at me.because of it
These are phobias and in this Country the dark or a spider are not likely to cause the damage that a lightning strike can. Just look at yesterdays news. There is a case of a family with 3 children under 5 whose house was struck by lightning and they managed to get out safely. The house caught fire !!
However if a child is scared they're scared and need comforting.