AIBU Breastfeeding or Bottlefeeding - who's business is it?

[1stTimeMummyAnna]

I have recently been struggling a lot with the decision over whether to breastfeed or formula feed. I am 6 months pregnant today so I am still in two minds but the decision plagues me at the moment - there are pros and cons to both in terms of my situation and my personal circumstances may dictate one over the other. HOWEVER, THIS ISN'T THE ISSUE.

The issue is this...

After having told my mum at first, she was v supportive. I actually couldn't believe it as sadly she normally never is. Unfortunately, it was too good to be true. Weeks later she brought it up and said she felt she had to as she doesn't agree with me. I feel like this is a really unfair thing to do especially knowing that if I had the best of circumstances then yes, I probably would breastfeed.

On top of this, my dad (who does not speak to my mum at all) said to me at a family occasion, " I heard you're not breastfeeding?". This, he had heard from my brother who, despite living in the same town as me, has not bothered to contact me for the last 10 weeks (even though he is aware that in that time, my partner has been made redundant and my partner's mum is battling an aggressive form of cancer). I was so, so angry my mum had chosen to discuss this with my brother and even more so at my brother, for discussing something he heard second-hand which is very personal to me, yet he knows very little about.

At the family occasion, I couldn't even look at my brother and I didn't speak to him once. He is aware of the reason why and still has not bothered with me at all.

It's really difficult as I'm aware that everything just gets put down to being hormone related and therefore irrational or unreasonable but the fact of the matter is, I am just extremely hurt by this all.

Hecantbeserious, stop trying to turn it into a FF vs BF debate. It's an AIBU about the OP's family giving her grief about her choices. If you want a FF vs BF debate then fuck off and start your own thread. There are people here who have stated why they didn't BF and your comments are supremely dismissive of their choices.

OP, you need to nip this in the bud now. People will always have an opinion on the choices you make and the best way to minimise it is to minimise the amount of information you give them. If they don't have all of the details, they can't give you shit about it. If they persist then firmly say "this is my baby and my decision and it is final...." then change the subject.

I'd ask them if they wore bored tbh. Why are they talking about how you're planning on feeding your baby? Tell them to get a life!

Well said Bearfrills

OP, enjoy your pregnancy and ignore your family's comments. As others have said, time to put your foot down and tell them you will be making your own decisions about your baby.

Only two people's business: yours and the baby who wants feeding, whatever way.

I think everyone has an opinion, though only some the annoying ones share it. I aim to try and breastfeed and if it works out I'd like to for a couple of years. May change. I'm flexible on all accounts. Comments I've had so far:

You have to stick at it, don't plan to ff if it's hard otherwise you'll give up.
Don't do it in past a few months, that's just wrong.
Why would you do it when they get teeth?

My response was a strained smile to each and what happens happens. No one's buisiness. It's what is best for you and your baby.

I'm a firm believer in supporting each mother's decision to do what's right for her, whether that's FF or BF. There are all kinds of personal reasons for individual decisions that women do not wish to discuss with anyone and they should never be pressured one way or the other.

The only thing I'd add is that, in my experience, breastfeeding was a zillion times easier than formula feeding. I breastfed my first two kids and then, due to complicated medical stuff, I couldn't breastfeed the third. I hated all the extra work sterilising bottles and making sure I didn't run out of formula in the middle of the night and stuff like that. It was so much easier just to pull up my top. But that was me and everyone's different.

So purely for practical reasons, I think it's worth considering BF if at all possible. And sometimes it isn't at all possible even to consider it, and that has to be ok. And anyone who gives you a hard time can just fuck off.

Im on medication which means I can't breastfeed and I feel awful about it and wish I could do it. Make whatever decision is right for you but if I had a choice Id definately be giving it a go, see how you feel when your baby arrives but don't let others make you feel bad x

OP, it never cease to amaze me how some people are happy to form opinions on matters they know nothing about!

And I would second pp about how suddenly everyone has an opinion on birth choices too. I had an ELCS, and had several people asking why, or saying 'oh what a shame' (not to me, it wasn't!), or even, in one case asking if I needed one. Grrr!

Maybe perfect a response that is suitably vague so you don't have to justify your decisions.

Oh and I knew there'd be posters on here who would act in the way you've found distressing, by trying to guilt trip you into trying to breastfeed. Despite that in no way being what you had asked about.

Obviously, if you post on MN that leaves you fair game for posters to wade in and critique your life choices.....

It's funny. I've seen some really supportive families turn into dicks when a baby arrives. Opinions fly... I know a father who ordered his daughter not to have a home birth and so she changed her birth plan

The stats on domestic violence towards pregnant women are horrific and I do sometimes wonder if the same mentality is behind families being dicks - they say they want what's 'best' but really they are just seeing vulnerability and a chance to control you. Set clear boundaries, you won't regret doing so!

I breastfed for about 2 weeks and gave up. Really not bothered by it. I always said I'd give it a good go. IT is HARD tho and if you want to do it I suggest researching, I know lots now that I didn't know before and can see why I gave up, you need to get through the grow spurts, no formula top ups, cluster feeding. I'll give it a good go next time and feel more prepared. My main reason is washing bottles and buy formula is a faff and costly, when you've master breastfeeding and past the early days you have milk on the go!

If your heart is really not in it then you will probably just end up doing the same as me.

As for the AIBU, you will learn not to discuss parenting choices with anyone (sometimes not even my OH) you will just get a barrage of opinion.

First it will be how you feed the baby, the it'll be when you start weaning, then it'll be what weaning method you choose this list goes on. Do what you feel best and stand firm in your choices.

Another one saying no-one's business but yours, OP. And congrats on your pregnancy!

Like others have said, practice being non-committal, and changing the subject.

E.g.
"I've heard you're not even going to try BF"... "Just going to see how things go. I saw some lovely baby grows the other day..."
"Breast is best."... "Thanks... would you like tea or coffee?"
"I read somewhere that BF..." ... "That's interesting, did you watch Corrie last night?"

Wow! Thank you all again for the support.

Thanks also for recognising that I'm not here to debate FF vs. BF nor discuss my circumstances. I am so, so delighted that you understand my grievance here.

Funnily enough when I did speak to my dad about it he responded by trying to engagein a FF vs BF debate. He still thinks I'm upset because of the decision to possibly FF.

So for that reason I am hugely grateful to everyone who responded to this and for taking the time to understand why I am upset. This is the first time I've posted on MN and I'm feeling a million times better already

whose business is your choice to BF/FF....I would say, 95% yours, 4.9999999% your partner (if they are involved in parenting on a daily basis and hence to deal with fall out from either choice). and 0.00000001% anyone else who shares a publicly funded health service with you and your baby.

As a result of this is it no more your mothers business than it is mine (assuming you are in the UK). It is a tiny tiny tiny bit our business in the same way the obesity epidemic is a tiny bit everyones business (though less so in my opinion). But it is overwhelming your business and yours alone.

It's completely up to you whether or not you choose to breastfeed.
It's not up to your family how you feed your baby.

But I do agree with pp who say that there'll be plenty of people more than ready to offer unasked for opinions on just about every aspect of parenting.

I can't believe they are being like this and you're only 6 months pregnant! Do they have very boring lives?!! Keep future info/opinions to a minimum.
Try not to worry too much about the feeding. If you are very unsure, ask others for advice, but keep an open mind. Until you have that baby in your arms you just won't know how you will react to feeding (and all the other new things involved with having a first baby).
Good luck and try to ignore all unhelpful advice!!