To think my brother completely takes advantage of my parents

[Lucinda1989]

My brother has severe OCD, asoergers syndrome and depression. He is a single parent. He also has to care for a severely disabled Son. His Son goes to school mon-fri where he has 2-1 supervision because of his extremely challenging behaviour, and he stays with a carer after school until 6pm to allow my brother a bigger break as my brother wasn't coping.

My brother then takes his Son to my parents Saturday all day, stays overnight and leaves Sunday evening. During the weekend he doesn't help much with his Son as the whole idea is he gets a break from him.

My parents also clean his house twice a week.

Now I know my brother has severe disabilities but he is not physically or intellectually incapable of cleaning his own house. He has 9 hours every single school day to clean and cook for his Son. He then has the whole weekend off.

My parents are elderly and absolutely exhausted but do help as they say he is not able to do these things himself.

I love my brother and my nephew. But, while I appreciate that my Brother has serious mental health issues, I can't help feeling he could do more; including cleaning his own flat and only bringing my nephew over one day at the weekend. I'm worried about my parents and the effect on them.

They are incredible parents and would do anything for us but I feel he's taking advantage.

He hasn't received any other funding except the three hours extra during school days as his assessments show he doesn't have a serious need for respite or a cleaner.

My Nephews behaviour is so challenging as my Brother makes no effort to have any routine. He doesn't bother cleaning at all so the place is disgusting by the time my parents come to clean as he leaves dirty nappies everywhere and food all over the floor.

I just feel he could be more motivated and do more.
am I being unreasonable?

My nephew has a diagnosis of
Moderate autism.

I think in this situation the support is really there to ensure your nephew is adequately cared for. If this support from both your parents and outside help was removed can you hand on heart say your nephew would be fine?

Sounds like your brother'a place would go to pit if your parents left it for a while.... a new assessment might be a good idea - he might get help with cleaning, etc... Do you feel that this living situation is best for everyone? Sounds like your brother and parents could all do with some kind of respite. Is it possible to call your parents doctors?

I feel like if my parents stopped my brother would be able to manage just fine. I honestly think he's just lazy. Yes it would be hard. But he doesn't need the level of help my parents provide. He's just taking advantage. He gets 9 hours off every single school day a week! Plenty of time to clean a house.

When we are speaking about someone who functions as you and I do then I feel fit to comment. On this scenario I don't because quite simply I cannot understand what it is like in your brothers world.

You obviously resent him - have you ever took the time to help him?

It is much easier to criticise than offer practical support don't you think??

It sounds like a very difficult situation. Your parents would be better showing your brother how to clean not just do it for him and do a joint effort for a while whilst your brother becomes more independent but I suspect your parents go as they know your brother won't do it and your nephew would be neglected.

I think it's very unfair to criticise someone in your brother's situation. He's mentally extremely unwell and has a disabled child to look after, plus he's a single parent.

But no, it's easier to say he's "lazy" than to consider that, perhaps, he's really struggling and wouldn't cope without your parents in place.

Would you say he was lazy if he was suffering from cancer, or ME, or any other physical illness? Or is it only okay to say he's lazy because his illnesses aren't visible to the naked eye?

Also if your nephew has a carer for all this time he must be quite challenging- it's hard to get that support in the first place

Have you ever considered stepping in and offering your parents a break?

OP is rightly concerned about the strain on her parents. Telling her to take over isn't a solution.

If your DB really isn't coping, OP, then you can ask for another carer's assessment of his needs and he may be given additional help. Your parents should not be taking on the brunt of the caring at their age. What would happen if they became ill?

What treatment is your DB having for his depression?

I did used to offer a lot of help. But my norther just took the piss. I would wash all the dishes only for him to make more food and leave all his dirty dishes everywhere. I would vacuum and then he'd let the carpet go dirty again and I just wliking to help anymore. My parents still do. He makes no effort to do ANY cleaning. Not even wash his pots and pans up. He makes no effort to cook anything remotely healthy, he does keep my Nephew clean but that's it. My parents do all his laundry. He is physically able to do all these things himself.

I do love my Brother. If I genuinely hand on heart thought he needed the level of support my parents offer I would not feel this way. But I honesty just think he's lazy. His social worker also says the same and has told him he needs to become a lot more motivated for the sake of his Son. But he won't. :-(

Coffee now if there is a problem it is always a good idea to try to help with that instead of allowing it to chew you up

Neither of you truly know what it is like to have aspergers, be depressed, a lone parent etc

He's had carers assessments and other assessments. The professionals view and my own view( I'm a social worker myself) is that he can do all these things but just doesn't.

But then I do doubt myself and wonder if he could genuinely not cope independently. We've never found out as my parents have always helped this much.

He is academically clever. He doesn't have a learning disability of any kind. His Son does though.

I feel bad for feeling this way. But I just don't buy the idea that he simply can't do these things for himself.

And I suppose your best bet would be to approach an organisation that specialises in Aspergers to see if they can help in giving direction.

Some people just won't see the point in cleaning I guess?

He knows he has to clean. He just doesn't. He has a hard life.
Looking after my nephew is incredibly challenging. But he does have those hours off in the week to do it

Yes but with Aspergers aren't social rules/norms slightly sketchy?

Neither of you truly know what it is like to have aspergers, be depressed, a lone parent etc

Big assumption there, Quite. I know exactly what depression is like. I sought treatment because I wanted to get better for the sake of my family.