To have said something?

[MyBreadIsEggy]

Sorry for the long post, and this is probably going to seem really petty to some of you, but I am so wound up about it!
DH is usually pretty good with pulling his weight. And by that I mean doing his fair share of parenting when he's here, helping out around the house without having to be asked etc - like I would expect from any normal, sane human being in an adult relationship But the past few weeks, it seems like he's forgotten how to adult, or has just decided he's not going to be an adult anymore. it's genuinely like being married to an extra child at the moment. Some examples of what I mean:

• Laundry. Washed, dried, folded into a basket. All I ask is that he put his things away himself. The same baskets have been sat in our bedroom untouched for a week now, even though I've asked everyday that he put it away.
• Parenting. Or lack thereof. The other day, I went into the kitchen to cook dinner leaving Dd in the front room with DH. I said "you'll need to check her nappy in a few minutes", message was definitely received and understood by DH. I went back into front room half an hour later to say dinner was ready, and Dd is stood there with her vest wet around the waist area where her nappy had leaked. Clearly, nappy was not checked, let alone changed.
• Another issue I'm having, he has stopped making any concious effort to diffuse tantrums. He makes them worse. Dd gets progressively more upset until I go and fix the situation. He tells her off almost constantly. Seems like the poor kid breathes a certain way and he will tell her "don't do that" My theory is, she acts up when she's with DH on her own because she doesn't understand where the boundaries are....its just one massive boundary where she's not allowed to do anything. And then when she does cry, he does nothing. Unless she's crying for a blatantly obvious reason like she's hurt herself or something. If she's having a bit of a typical toddler meltdown about something, he literally does nothing. Which results in her getting more and more upset until I go and sort the problem for her.

AIBU to think that after having this child in his life for almost two years, he shouldn't have to be told when to change a nappy, or to comfort her when she cries? And his heavily pregnant, knackered wife (who has SPD too) shouldn't have to ask repeatedly for bloody obvious, simple jobs to be done, and when they don't get done, end up doing absolutely everything herself as well as everything else around the house?? Please tell me if I'm being petty and silly. I'm just really close to blowing my top about it.

As a singly he'd have been in shared accommodation, had daily or weekly room inspections. He wouldn't have dared leave his clothes on the floor. He certainly would have learnt to pick up after himself. Why the hell are you doing it for him? I'd kick his clothes into a corner he'll maybe start picking up after himself when he realises he has no clean civvys. If he's washing and ironing his own work clothes it won't be too much of a stretch to include his other stuff.

Totally agree. Suck it up and ignore his lack of concern pver his own clothes. Put his clean wjere ot normally goes (or on his side of the bed) and only wash what is in the designated place. Dump soggy baby on his lap and declare she needs changing then go have a long fake wee / nap etc.

If he won't talk to you about what is going on, you have to assume he's currently being a dick x

GCHQ you would be surprised.
When he lived in a SLAM block, all his civvy clothes that were washed and dried were thrown in the bottom of a wardrobe in a big plastic storage box so it would appear that has always been a habit.
We talked a bit more last night, and I got a bit upset, telling him that he doesn't seem to realise how physically draining it is to be this pregnant, taking care of a very active toddler and trying to keep up with everything in the house. He said that when it comes to little things/messes, like a couple of dd's cups/bottles by the sink that need washing, he just doesn't think to do it. And he said he won't be offended, or feel like I'm nagging if I literally spell things out to him....so that's what I did this morning. Asked him to bring any of his dirty laundry downstairs and put it in the washing machine, which he did. So if it's a case of me having to give him a set of instructions like a 5 year old to get the simplest of tasks done, then that's better than either me doing everything myself and burning out, or living in a shit tip.

He still washed and dried them though. He didn't just leave them on the floor. DH (forces at the time) used to do this when we were first married. I stopped doing it. After 20+ years I still don't touch his clothes.

He said you need to tell him of obvious jobs that need doing, but when you asked him to change your DD's nappy he ignored you. So does he want telling what to do, or does he just want you to do it?

Has he got any rank? Ask him how he would feel if he had to ask his colleagues to do every single task that needed doing, not one of his soldiers or peers could use their own initiativd? Does he need directing to every job at work?

Wifework is quite a good read

GC that's it though....with the nappy thing, I asked him to "check her nappy". Obviously anyone else would check it, see it needed changing, and change it. But if I have to say to him "Can you change her nappy while I'm gone", then that's what I'll do
He's a Lcpl, but the job he does is within a close knit team, so he has more responsibility than your average Lcpl. I think that could be part of the issue. He has to "adult" at work, so gives up on that as soon as he comes home!!
See the photo? I'm the boss, my DH is the seal

I think spelling things out will work in the long run. We have a 'rule' at home - none of us are telepathic so we must ask for something we'd like to be done. If it is then not done then we can be annoyed.

YANBU by the way, it's awful feeling like you're the only one that notices anything and then by default are the only one doing anything.

You're excusing his behaviour - I'm an adult at work, but I'm not able to regress at home, things still need doing. When is your down time? When do you sit down and he picks up the slack?

I've been where you are and its annoying as fuck. It's hard work to find a position where your both happy, but it's easier than going through life having to tell your partner what to do, when and how.

Really? What a cop out.

Sorry OP I hope it works for you but I think having to spell out what needs doing re childcare and housework to a grown man is ridiculous.

He shouldn't need telling that his daughter needs her nappy changing. It's as much his responsibility to keep on top of her care as it is yours.

Same for housework but who knows, you telling may eventually sink in to the point where he does start to do stuff automatically (like he used to...).

hi OP and just to make you smile.

You say he's in the military and this has all happened in the weeks since he went back off leave - has he been told they're going to be posted / deploy overseas and he doesn't want to tell you with the baby being on the way? That might have sent him into a bit of a panic - kind of "oh shit I'm going to be leaving her with two children, one newborn, I'm not going to be around to do things, she's going to have to do it, oh shit oh shit" kind of thing?

The other option would be that it's just hit him that he's going to be a father of two, in a high risk occupation, and is panicking?

Whichever it is, you need to either get him to talk or maybe involve the welfare officer if you can't get him to talk to you and things don't improve. Even if they don't talk to him, you'll be able to talk to them and get a little support.

Good luck