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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I am now socially awkward???

32 replies

reddotmum · 13/09/2016 15:06

So my eldest so children are in "big school" and my youngest has just started primary one in a school new to the family (ie we have never had any of the kids at this school and it is in a new area) anyway I only know a couple of the parents from seeing them at nursery and don't even know their names. Other than that I know no one.

Despite me thinking I'm an educated and confident woman the idea of collection time fills me with dread. All the parents seem to know each other! They stand in little gangs twittering and guffawing! There are a couple mums like me who stand alone but appear to be completely at ease with it.
I am happy to stand alone but I feel so out of place and uncomfortable. One mum spoke to me on the first couple days (the children where phased in and at this point only 6 kids where in) but since then her buddies kids have all started and she literally blanks me now! I just don't get it? It's horrible.

Am I unreasonable to think in my forties I have become socially Awkward???

OP posts:
Original poster
reddotmum · 13/09/2016 15:07

Sorry that was epic! I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just need to know if others feel like this.

OP posts:
FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 13/09/2016 15:08

Twittering and guffawing? Thats pretty rude of you. I see you have no intention of making friends there then!

Original poster
reddotmum · 13/09/2016 15:18

Oh dear no! That's come out wrong. When I wrote that I was thinking of one incident which was really awkward were one group were obviously laughing at something rude which is fine but the noises were twittering and guffawing and shhhhh. It's awkward. These comments were not meant to be rude in anyway shape or form and not cause offence.

OP posts:
Underbeneathsies · 13/09/2016 15:18

Welcome to the schoolgates reddotmum!

Nightmare isn't it?

Thing is, your youngest kid attends this school, so ask him/ her who he likes and invite those kids around for a play date. You'll get to meet the parents at pick up that way.

The school gates are not the place to look for affirmation for yourself Shock shocking I know, but you left school a long time ago!

You're not socially awkward just because you don't fit into to a clique. Indeed, in my book, the sign of an insecure person is that they stick in cliques, and defend them against others!

So, relax, have a chat to those other mums who like yourself seem to stand alone. Maybe one of them is thinking she is standoffish/ awkward!

Get involved in the play date scene for a while and I'm sure your youngest will be fine.

You'll pick up some like minded friends along the way, in time, but you need to think bigger than the schoolgates for your own social life! (Thank goodness!)

Underbeneathsies · 13/09/2016 15:22

That's a bit harsh fluffy to say the op has no intention of making friends.

I didn't pick up the comment about guffawing from the op that way, just that she heard them all laughing and felt left out, and that made her feel awkward.

Peace and love.

Original poster
reddotmum · 13/09/2016 15:22

Thank you Under! I have my own friends away from this school and I'd die if anyone thought I was standoffish cos I'm really not. I think I'll just do as u say. Play the play date game a while and see how that goes. I do try to smile and nod to parents in his class but am conciliatory I look like a gormless idiot. Lol.

(That last comment is not meant to offend anyone it is solely directed at myself Wink)

OP posts:
justilou · 13/09/2016 15:28

I know it's hard - the school gates bring out the school girls in us all. There will still be cliques and bitches and competitive sorts. You will form friendships with the mothers of your kids friends... It does take a while sometimes.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 13/09/2016 16:21

There are always people on hgere complaining about cliques and bitchiness and so on, and really its a load of bullshit on the whole.

It's no different to anywhere else, people have a chat with the people they know, and not to people they don't know. Thats normal human behaviour, its not mean or cliquey, its merely how conversation works.

AmeliaJack · 13/09/2016 16:26

Just because they are all standing chatting doesn't mean they are in a clique or bitches!

It's just a group of people who know each other chatting.

OP if this bothers you, get yo know some of the Mum's via the PTA or via parties and play dates and you'll have your own group to chat to.

RedforDanger · 13/09/2016 16:31

If you're in England school will have not long started I think? Honestly I think it just takes a bit of time. Your child will make friends, they'll go to parties/play days and you'll eventually get to know the parents, some of who you will probably get on with. I've 'known' my child's friends parents for some time now and would class a couple of them as friends but it's taken a while to get to that stage.

Original poster
reddotmum · 13/09/2016 16:31

Hmmm. I didn't call or insinuate they were bitches! But hey ho.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 13/09/2016 16:31

she literally blanks me now

That's the school run for you...one day someone will be chatting to you like you're best friends, next day... completely blanked! I find it so weird!

AmeliaJack · 13/09/2016 16:33

reddot I know you didn't I was responding to Justilou's comment.

gamerchick · 13/09/2016 16:36

Does it really bother you that much though? You don't have to Twitter with the others, there's no law saying you have to have pals at the gates.

SpookyPotato · 13/09/2016 17:35

I hate threads like this, not your post OP but just the fact so many people feel uncomfortable doing this. I just I'll probably be the same as I don't have the confidence to join an already established group... I've had loads of friends since school and some really strong friendships, but I feel like being there will take me back to being in primary where I was always skirting around the edges! I really don't mind being on my own, but the fact most other people like being in groups makes me feel like I'm the odd one.
You could either;
Jump straight in and join the chat
Stay on your own
Time pickup so you arrive when the kids are coming out.

I was really surprised when I read about this happening but I wonder if it's just seeing something that isn't there. Maybe because it's mostly women it feels more intimidating, maybe because it's back in the playground where insecurities were born... In reality I really think most groups would be totally welcoming to newbies but it can be hard to get past the initial intro!

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 13/09/2016 17:40

That's the school run for you...one day someone will be chatting to you like you're best friends, next day... completely blanked! I find it so weird!

Only because you're choosing to interpret it that way! In reality, one day someone has a chat with you, next day they don't. Because you're not actually friends and they don't have anything to say to you.
Thats NORMAL.

Original poster
reddotmum · 13/09/2016 17:48

OK I concede Fluffy! This is no more than a concentrated example of society as a whole! I guess the reality is I avoid those groups in larger life and tend to surround myself with my friends and family. Maybe years of reading playground dispute threads on mumsnet only served to make me paranoid.

OP posts:
AnthonyPandy · 13/09/2016 17:55

Basically this is why childminders and after school clubs were invented.

Laiste · 13/09/2016 18:17

How did you get on when your eldest 2 were at primary OP? Did you know the area better?

When i moved out of London and relocated to a tiny village i had to start fresh with everything and everyone. DCs were just primary age. By chance i got a job at the school almost immediately (ended up working there for 8 years as a TA) so got to know everyone in the village with a DC under 10 weather i liked them it or not! I didn't see it at the time, because it wasn't engineered that way, but it prevented a lot of the anxiety and isolation that you are feeling now. Made several good friends quite quickly. Would doing any work at the school be possible for you?

Fast forward a lot of years and i find myself in the same position as you. New area, young DC again, dreading school gate time! But you know what? Stay friendly and expect nothing much from anyone. That way you won't be disappointed but given time you might just make a friend Flowers

Laiste · 13/09/2016 18:20

Meant to add - i've no plans to work at a school again anytime soon! I'm just going to wing it as a civilian Grin

MinonsMovie · 13/09/2016 18:21

fluffy why has this riled you so much?

Op you are not socially akward you are very similar to many of us, it's not the place to make friends. Get your armour on, collect your kid and go back to real life and real friends.

It's a jungle out there! Grin

MatildaTheCat · 13/09/2016 18:26

You've only just joined so don't know anyone yet. Smile and chat when it seems right and gradually you begin to get to know people.

I'm always reading about school gate cliques on here but as a pp says, they are just people who know each other. If you've made friends easily enough in other settings no doubt you will again.

And as for blanking, I for one find facial recognition very hard so wouldn't know you for a good while yet. Others are short sighted or busy. Not necessarily giving you the Cold Shoulder Smile.

Let us know in a few months, I bet they will be a nice bunch.

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 13/09/2016 18:35

It hasn't riled me in the slightest.

It must seem like a jungle if you're so quick to assign emotion like that to other people for no good reason.

MinonsMovie · 13/09/2016 18:36

No I disagree. The unnesecary exclamation and capitalisation betrays you. Wink

FluffyWuffyFuckYou · 13/09/2016 18:41

It really doesn't.

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