am I an ungrateful b**** or can anyone sympathise with me

[ChiTownLady]

My dh works very long hours and does a huge amount of travel - i gave up my career and moved to another country for his job.
We have a ds and are lucky to be very comfortably off, id on't have to work and have a reasonable amount of freedom in what i do with my time - my ds is in nursery 5 afternoons a week.

I am just so fed up though of feeling like an appendage to my dh work - again tonight he has phoned up just as i was expecting home tobe with ds ( who he hasnt seen all week as he has been travelling) to tell me he's popping to have a drinkw ith a couple of people he's been interviewing and he had told me about it last week ( though not reminder this morning or last nigh when he got in) I feel just so fed up I have no freedom to just go out on a whim - he does nothing in the home domestically and I jsy feel very fed up with the whole situation - we are here for another 12-18months and whilst I have a nice network of friends I've me and try to keep busy ( i do some voluntary work and music lessons)

On one hand i sound like an ungrateful bitch who has all this opportunity to do stuff and no financial pressures - but on the other I feel like a lakey in the house, with little to no respect for what I do, much less any acknowledgement for what I am doing day in dy out - I feel like a single parent much of the time. On top of this my ds is having an incredibly difficult stage at the moment and is so wilful and stubborn and I feel like I'm parenting him on my own and when I bring things up he jsut makes really flimsy remarks and says I jsut need to chill out a bit more... which isnt very helpful. This job has been a massive promotion for him and i think he feels that if he throws himself into it then we will be able to have a different life when we move back to the UK - but I just can't look at it in those terms.

I know this is turning into a rant - but I'm feeling so fed up with everything but am finding that then I feel guilty for having it all and not being 'grateful'

I don't think you are being ungrateful at all. What you do in the home and with your ds is just as important. I guess its a case of finding a balance with your dh where you can find some fulfillment outside of the home, just as he is outside of his job.

I know easier said than done

Oh hun, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. You don't sound ungrateful at all.

I do empathise as I was in a similar situation - it's really hard to sacrifice everything and feel like it's not appreciated. It's also really draining raising a child alone and things can easily get on top of you.

You know where I am (yes, I'm still here & not going anywhere any time soon ) - give me a call/ email. We could meet for coffee. I know DS was a bit of a terror and I can't honestly say he's any better , but if you fancy getting together sometime with or without kids, let me know. I can get a sitter...

In the meantime, big hugs to you.

Take Care x

I completely understand how you feel. I've followed my H everywhere and it's only now I'm here that I've got some freedom and a life back. Try and get him to make some time just for the two of you it will help. It's important that he appreciates you for all you do too.

Califrau - you can always come to Vegas and meet up with me in March and that your H gets to go to Iceland.

Well blooming well come to Vegas then and be a Girl about town.

Hell I'm a single parent, part stay at home part mature student (ahem 40 in Sept) in Ireland, can I come to Vegas? or California, I live in they can't make up their mind if it's a town or a city (rapidly rising poulation) place called Tallaght (Tallafornia as the locals call it) hasn't quite gort the same ring as California or Vegas tho

lol, mhamai, I'm sure where you live is just like California!

Thanks for your messages..things a little better as he came straight home after hearing how miserable I sounded on the phone - so small thanks at least - jest feels like such a hard slog - where did I go? what have i become?

Sorry others in a similar situation - and nice to have some contact with others in US....

Glad he came back ChiTownLady...

As I said, you know where I am.

{{hugs}}

....if I muttered a few choice words at DH when he thought it would be hilarious to leap onto the bed and tickle me last night? At 1.30 am! While I was asleep! And while I have a cold and am feeling grotty!

Or am I just a miserable cow?

Ooops that was meant to be on a new thread Excuse me while I switch on my brain............

Mind you I have read the thread now and have to say I totally empathise with you all! I am in a similar situation as well and have 3 boys. Dh does work hard, and I don't have to work, not that I could really as he is never here and family are 2 hours away.

He loves to come home and tell me about his 'jollies' His latest was a week in London, dinner at Hampton Court, dinner on a boat on the Thmaes, cricket at Lords to name a few things. He is off skiing with work next month and was a bit miffed when i wasn't oh so excited as him about it. And he goes to melbourne next month too. Woo hoo, more time on my own at home with the boys!!!

Thanks all - calebsmummy sounds like you have it very tough...
when i worked before we came out here - he was away a lot too - but i didnt feel this bad, i think as it feels like my life has become that of housekeeper - which is no bad thing I guess as I am here for ds but just feels a bit meaningless/worthless a lot of the time.

mamama lets hook up sometime soon...its a bit manic with ds's new school schedule as i on;y have a couple of hours in the pm without him between dropping off and picking up..although we have half term from the 9th Feb

Thats why my brain doesn't work well in the mornings

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. He does work very hard and so deserves a bit of fun time, but I think he forgets that I don't get that fun time and I don't sit down drinking coffee all day either (like he probably would if he was at home with the children!)

It just feels a bit like Groundhog Day sometimes doesn't it!

And I totally understand about feeling like the housekeeper. Looking after our children is very worthwhile, but in our cases there is very little respite from it. I love being with the boys and wouldn't want to work while they are so young, but even mummies need a break sometimes!

ChiTown, sounds like your dh doesn't value your contribution to the marriage and to the world. Bringing up your ds is just as important as his paid work. It's just that you don't get any tangible validation from the outside world - 'women's work' is taken for granted. Well, your dh should stop taking you for granted right now! He gets praise and rewards when he does a good job. He should remember that there's no-one to give you support in the same way except him. Ask him how he'd feel if he slaved away, day in, day out for no recognition at all...

Good point edam - think we need a little restatement of roles and responsibilities. I think a little bit of recognition would go an awfully long way - a bunch of flowers or a bit of a hug would be very worthwhile..!

We do discuss this - and he changes for a short time - then slumps into his old ways!

My kids are grown up now but when young my OH was a project manager and went where the project was. I was the dutiful stay at home wife and we were comfortably off.

Now wish I had paid for babysitter or nanny to allow me to escape regularly(no family near to help) instead of being an unhappy martyr. I felt it was my duty to bring up the kids, now realise it was my duty to be a happy Mum.

If you are abroad child carers are probably v cheap. Perhaps you could go on a course - learn a foreign language? Or have a day or two in Vegas?

When accompanying my OH overseas I felt like I was there to supply regular sex and not much else - these high-powered jobs take men (or women) over.

I don't think that you are actually ungrateful.

I think that feminisam has robbed women of the joy that they could feel of raising children and keeping a home.

Most stay at home mothers battle the feeling of unworthyness because this life is all about £££$$$.

Instead of feeling like a drudge, remember you are nurturing little souls and preparing them for the world.

Society says we have to do it all, I say that BS and society can go jump in the river.

Enjoy your blessed life and don't waste time worrying.

Hear,hear Threebellies!! I completely agree!

Never forget that you have a very important job to do, raising your son - and being available to care for him means your DH does not have to pay for childcare!

I don't think you would be at all unreasonable to expect to have some time to yourself when he is at home!