To have done a food shop for her?

[KellyBoo800]

It's my cousins 18th birthday this week. We have always been very close but I hadn't seen her in almost a year because she has fallen in with the wrong crowd and we all suspect she is on drugs. She has cancelled on me a number of times over the past year but we still talk a lot and she is the closest thing to a sister that I have.

She has moved into a flatshare with a friend, has dropped out of college and isn't working. I have no idea how she is funding her lifestyle. Her mum (uncles ex wife who I have never had a good relationship with) recently got in touch with me asking me to try and get through to her.

We made plans to meet for coffee this morning and I expected her to cancel as always but she surprised me by calling this morning to confirm time and place, so I actually got to see her. Had a lovely couple of hours catching up. I went to drop her back off near a Tesco where she lives and she asked if she could borrow a couple of pounds to get a sandwich for her lunch.

I won't lend people money, especially if drugs are involved as we all suspect. So I told her we could nip into the supermarket to get a few bits. Ended up spending about £40 on fruit, tinned veg, soups etc to basically stock her cupboards. She didn't ask for any of this, I offered because she's like a rake and needs to eat. She was incredibly grateful.

Her mum has messaged me to find out if our catch up went ahead and I told her we caught up, I've offered to help her find a job and get her sorted, and gently encouraged her to move back in with her dad (her mum doesn't have room for her). Turns out her mum had already called her and she'd told her about the food shop. Her mum has now completely flipped at me and told me how irresponsible I am, how she will never go back to her dad's if I "pull shit like this". Basically saying she should be starving so she has no choice but to go back. Her mum is emotionally abusive, no doubt about it, but her relationship with her dad isn't that strained and I think she's just trying to exert a bit of independence. I don't think forcing her to starve so she has no choice but to go back is the right thing to do.

But maybe I'm being naive? Was it really being that unreasonable to not let my cousin starve? I really don't know what else I should have done!

I would have done the same thing, OP. I don't know if it's the "right thing", because I suspect in these difficult situations there's no such thing as "the right thing"

I hope so, Kelly. Are you on good terms with your uncle? It's great that your cousin has you in her corner and especially as you've given her a place to visit you. Hope it all works out ok for your cousin and that she can soon return to her dad - and continue to enjoy her relationship with you. :)

I should probably add that I think she is too proud to ask her dad for help - but if she did, he would absolutely do it. And I think he would be angry if he found out what her mum thinks the approach should be. He is keeping his doors open for her should she want to return, without pressuring her. If she asked him for food, he would feed her too!

I don't see my uncle much or really speak to him often, but I would definitely say we have a good relationship. He works nights and isnt much of a social butterfly. I should probably drop in and see him soon, and see if there's anything I can do to help.

You did a lovely thing.

Iys better to think some cares cares and will support you to get back on your feet (so has faith you can do it) than feel no one thinks you can manage and should move back home.

Perhaps you could speak to your uncle and get him to tell your cousin he knows she's capable and is proud that she's taking steps to get a job and there's a roof over her head at his if she wants it.

You did a lovely thing op.

At 17 i was living on my own in college and in a nmw job. I was so poor, could just pay the bills and feed myself 2 or 3 times a week, in a month id gone from 8 to 7 stone. An older friend of a friend actually went to our local supermarket and bought me a shit ton of food. It was amazing, 13 years on that person is a very dear friend, without his help i dunno what i woulda done.