Soon to be XH starting to scare me, aibu?

[whensitmyturn]

Backstory is I found out XH had had an affair last year we separated in the summer (2015) but decided to try and give things another go beginning of this year. It was too difficult for me to forgive and I didn't trust him one iota so 2 months ago told him I wanted to split permanently and have just started the ball rolling for mediation/divorce.

He desperately wants to be back together and the last weekends when he's had the children and I've been alone he keeps finding random reasons to 'pop in' to check up on me
1st occasion he said he'd forgotten a bag of stuff for the kids
2nd again another bag for kids he asked if he could pop upstairs to the loo (we have a downstairs loo) and went through my bathroom bin as he found an old pregnancy test id thrown away (and pushed to the bottom) as I'd been having a big clear out and questioned me over it.
3rd came in to pick up something random for the kids very early in the morning while I was still asleep checked up on me in my bedroom.

4th after promising me he wouldn't just pop in as it sets me on edge he came in last night while I was out and again today and went through my bags and rang me questioning about things he's found. I am so angry.

He's never hit me but he has an anger problem and I've got a wall and a door with holes in from where he's punched them.
He's totally paranoid I'm seeing someone else which I am categorically not, I just want to be on my own which I have told him many times! But he doesn't believe a word I say, he's more of an act first apologise later person.
I rolled my eyes at the first couple of times but going through my bags and bins? He's starting to scare me aibu?
What should I do?

At the very least, add an extra lock, and say you don't feel secure as you're worried someone has been breaking into your home.

Sorry, x-post.

there are chains designed for pvc doors OP.

Have you tested to see if leaving the key in it can be unlocked from the other side?

when you are in that would solve that issue.

I think the problem with people who cheat is that they fully think others will do it to them (just because they are personally capable of doing it.) They then judge you by their own standards and so can't trust you or believe you are not doing what they would do IYSWIM and it drives them bloody batty and eats them up. That's been my experience anyway
His behaviour is not acceptable and I would do something to stop his entry, it's not okay to go through your bags.

My DSis recently had the police round due to her ex not so DH ongoing harassment. She was advised by the police that although they couldn't possibly advise her to change the locks as that would be illegal, they did have to consider the safety of her four year old DD who was clearly able to open the doors, so it would be very appropriate for her to fit two externally lockable chains just to protect her DD and would advise this in their report.

Not sure how old your DC are?

Whenitsmyturn - as someone else asked, how does your property stand legally, are you joint/single social housing tenants or do you own or rent private?

smokey it's our house and both our names are down on the mortgage.

And yes luckily when the key is in the door from the inside it stops anyone being unable to open it from the outside so at least when I'm home I feel a bit safer but it's needing a lock for outside. Those lockable chains look good, I don't quite understand how they work I'll see if there's a vid on YouTube.

Thanks again for your advice I'm going to start a diary but not sure where to put it. He went on my phone the other day while i looked upstairs to get one of the dc's coats, I've changed the password recently but he must have been watching me put it in.I found him reading my messages so now I keep my phone on me whenever he's here.

Oh, that makes it harder then... well to be honest I would document everything he's done/doing, change the locks and just wait. What can he do? You've split and he's moved out. I don't know about private ownership but who would he call, police, to report you not allowing lawful entry to his property? If that was the case I would put forward the incidents and ask for restraining order if he's funny about it, but I wouldn't wait for further incidents before hetting the home secure.

A close friend was in a similar situation and saw a solicitor and along with the police got a non-molestation order to prevent ex accessing or entering their home. They had a joint mortgage but she was told to dial 999 if he tried to gain entry (locks were changed as well as chains etc added I believe)

do whatever you can to keep him from crossing the threshold. He has no right to go through your bins, phone etc. I would say also as he is an abuser you should take advice from Women's Aid too. He can be an abuser without hitting you. And I would report his behaviour to the police too. You cannot and should not live in fear.

Once the house hadn't been his home for 6 months - ie where he lives - his rights of access change dramatically and he can't enter without your permission.

He sounds quite scary!

Agree with Pollyanna, M0nstersinthecl0set, carabos, Eebahgum, fuzzywuzzy, and george1020 and others.

Great advice here, please take it. Please let people know what he is doing, gather evidence. His going through the bin, your house etc is awful.

A neighbour of mine had the same issues & as he was also on the mortgage the police said "it's a shame you lost your house keys & had to get the locks changed" as a gentle way of letting her know to get them changed & how to justify it if questions arose.

Get your PC or laptop checked for a keystroke logger or other hacking software. Discovering this explained a lot during my nightmare divorce from a similarly controlling and suspicious XDH-to-be.

I would go into your local police station and speak to someone.

You might not want to hear this but I am quite worried for you. Some people are so unpredictable especially when they are an abuser losing control of their victim. By going through your things and the constant checking up on you is him trying to retain control.

Get the locks changed today. Keep all doors locked at all times. Tell the children not to answer the door. Meet him away from the house. If he texts about forgetting things just ignore. If it is something important that they need he can buy a replacement.

Lots of really good advice above. Please sort the locks today!

Lots of good advice, but I would strongly second the suggestion that you contact Women's Aid. His controlling behaviour and anger has escalated, and you are right to be scared. Don't ignore that instinct. They will be able to give you lots of advice on safety planning. Best of luck.

I got strangled and raped by ex. Change the locks or move and don't give him the address. Exchange the kids at the local park/pub/supermarket/anywhere with people present. Don't give answers, explanations or try to stay nice, he doesn't.

You're right vlier I still find myself trying to explain things when I don't have to, I annoy myself! And you're right too that he's not being nice, I've been bending over backwards to try and keep it all amicable for the children's sake but he's making it harder and harder.

Text him to ask why he went through bins, bag, phone when he no longer lives there, keep answer as evidence. For inside, you can fit strong plastic fob things that you simply move round so the doors can't be opened from outside. Mil had them fitted after a burglary. Don't let him go upstairs when he comes round, don't leave your phone in view. He sounds very creepy.

Yes, this would make me rather nervous, he seems to be getting further and further away from normal and usual behaviour.

the phone security - disconnect your phone from the cloud if its an iphone.

If you both have iphones connected to the same cloud account he could see your info that way. Double check you don't.

depending on your phone google to see if you can set a password up for its notes based app.

you can do this on iphone not sure about android.

you could also, for incidents like this, set up an email account and email yourself when anything happens you don't even need to save this email on your phone. it would all be time stamped and you have plenty of space to write as much detail as you need and when you need to share the info you can easily print off each email. Feelings - scared, panicked, freaking out etc are important details to add as well.

another way would be to send yourself a message on facebook. I've been using the FB method for incidents with my neighbour. It has been very useful because they are all dated, in order and easy to scroll through.

personally I would consider getting another phone and just moving your sim card across if you can. Is that viable? I don't trust people who can get into my phone and I would worry tracking apps or similar have been added or even ways to get around a password.

Bins - can you keep your bins in the house/shed until bin day? Any tiny little thing found could easily set off someone unstable like this. I remember the time an Ex flipped at me because a condom wrapper was in the bedroom bin. nothing sinister, I'd just cleaned under the bed for the first time in a year and found the wrapper from when we were first using condoms.

I agree with everything that reeboot said, I think (without being overly dramatic) that the situation could get a lot worse very quickly as he's losing control of you.

Good idea for using email to track what he's done I've just sent myself a couple of messages now.