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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off with DH about night out

47 replies

JohnCrane · 10/09/2016 05:29

Sorry this is long

DH went on a big work night out last night.

We have been TTC for a long time and it has been really getting me down which he knows. We have missed opportunities when I've been ovulating quite a lot of times for various reasons (but all have been because of him). I know that kind of thing can make a person a bit mad and U which is why I am sanity checking.

Ovulation window so plan was he would wake me up when home and wed DTD. I also ended up having an operation yesterday (not major but under gen). I had no one to look after DDs during this but figured out with favour from a friend. Friend rang right before I went in saying so sorry but she had to leave. DH knew I was in a bind and tried to call him
But no joy. Anyway was figured out.

i texted him saying hope you're having fun but remember not to go overboard (insert slightly sexy text to try and make it fun and not clinical that I was reminding him to wake me up for sex ). But also am in a bit more pain than I thought I would be following the op and need a fair bit of help with DCs tomorrow and this thing with need to do.

He got back very late and has just woken me and DDs up being sick. (Side note DDs are terrible sleepers, they won't go back to sleep, will be grumpy all day etc but that's life).

i don't want to be annoyed. I want him to have fun. Although he and I both get regular opportunities to go out so its not like this was a one time opportunity for letting loose. But I really am annoyed. It will be a few hours til he's up so I have time to cool down I guess. But feeling quite hurt and also don't know what I'll do re today. AIBU?

OP posts:

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 10/09/2016 07:10

Trying for a baby can be boring and stressful if it's been happening for a long time. Sex on demand is such a passion killer. When I was going through this I may have chosen nights out instead of TTC a few times just for a mental break. Don't get me wrong, I really wanted a baby, but two years of trying to get in the mood within the window was a bit much at times. Maybe he just needed to blow off steam? Especially before the extra work of supporting a pregnant partner and the sleepless nights of a new baby. So I think YAB a bit U regarding him not waking you to DTD. And do you really want his drunken swimmers making the baby? Get him some vitamins and have him stay home those few days IF you're going to try that month. Have a frank conversation and let him know how you feel when he's sober/not too hungover.

Ok, all of the above applies to a normal, decent, nice man. If he really is a lad who has no feelings (?) and he doesn't care that you need to take care of your children the day of and after an operation and was expecting to sleep all day, then I agree you should stop TTC and LTB.

The other option is he is a bit thick to really believe you'd be fine on your own and there's no harm intended. If he describes himself as a "lad" I think this may be the case. Try to explain very slowly and in simple language why this behaviour will not be repeated. Maybe get him a sticker chart?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 10/09/2016 07:13

Fair enough that you didn't know you'd feel ill after the operation but there's no way I would go out and leave dh to do sole childcare after he'd had an operation that required he was put under GA. It just wouldn't occur to me.

There's probably nothing you can do now so I would give him a few hours to sleep it off and then explain to him that you are actually in more pain than you anticipated, and then take yourself back to bed for the day. I had an operation at the beginning of the year that wasn't minor to be fair, but I was surprised at the effect of GA on me - I was absolutely shattered for a few days. There are some points in life that you do need to take care of yourself and allowing yourself some time to catch up from this would be a good idea I think.

nancyblackett80 · 10/09/2016 07:13

How old is your DH? I only ask as he sounds very young, i.e. no emotional intelligence.

I don't get the big works night out thing either? Surely its not compulsory? Especially when your partner has had an op...

The thing about not having emotions sounds like he's almost proud of it?

He sounds like an immature cock to be honest.

Lunar1 · 10/09/2016 07:17

Why do you have such low expectations of him? You had a GA there is no use question that he should have stayed home.

Skittlesss · 10/09/2016 07:22

He should have been there for you. No way should he have left you on your own with the children... minor op or major op. GA is awful and you're not supposed to be left alone for 24hrs afterwards anyway.

I wouldn't be happy about the childcare during the op either. Your friend bailed on you last minute (some friend!) and your OH wasn't there/contactable to look after the kids. I take it he was not there at the hospital for you either.

He sounds very unreliable and I don't know why you would consider another child with him. Sorry, but you don't sound happy in your post.

Palegreenstars · 10/09/2016 07:22

He ignored your call when your child care arrangements fell through for the op? How awful. Presumably that would have been before he had being drunk as an excuse.

It sounds like your main concern is the missed conception opportunity but to be honest it doesn't sound like he gave you or the kids or any future kids a single thought whilst he was out yesterday.

Motherfuckers · 10/09/2016 07:26

Are you sure he wants to ttc? It sounds like such a chore and I can see why he wants some time off.

StealthPolarBear · 10/09/2016 07:27

No matter how minor the op a ga is a ga
and surely it can't have been that minor if done under ga!!

phillipp · 10/09/2016 07:29

I can't work out if he is selfish, or the OP purposely made out the operation wasnt a big deal, so that he would come home and dtd.

It sounds like there is a lot more going on that the First post.

cece · 10/09/2016 07:30

I am ignoring the TTC bit because I am so shocked he went out drinking whilst you had an op and needed looking after. The fact that their was childcare in the mix too is just shocking. Can't you see that? He really should not be going out drinking and leaving you to cope with an op and DC. I would think most partners would insist on being their to care for their family.

Trifleorbust · 10/09/2016 07:41

If you put aside the op, I think it is quite normal for someone to not do exactly as you expect at the end of a night out. Yes, he overdid it, but as you say this is very rare thing to happen. One off?

SandyY2K · 10/09/2016 07:51

I think you're over sensitive here.

He was sick .... not his fault. The pressure and unromanticness off sex purely to conceive can be hard going.

I see no reason anyone should say LTB like it's been suggested. There'd be almost a 100% divorce rate left to lots of MNetters.

Mooey89 · 10/09/2016 08:01

sandy

The TTC is a red herring.

The OP had an operation. Her husband didn't look after the children, or her. He left her to it, went out, and rolled in at 5am throwing up.

If you think that is acceptable then I worry about your own boundaries.

Gwenhwyfar · 10/09/2016 08:21

"You definitely shouldn't have been alone for the first 24 hours, as per guidance. "

I think it depends how long a person was under for doesn't it? Does this mean that single people are kept in hospital for 24 hours after a GA even if it was minor and no other care is required? I doubt the NHS has the money for that.
I had GA for teeth extraction (many years ago) and it wore off straight away.

Veterinari · 10/09/2016 08:24

It sounds like:

Your husband is having cold feet about TTC
You are militantly prioritising TTC above your marriage and your own health
Neither of you are effectively communicating about what you want, or working together as a team.

Yes he shouldn't have gone out, got drunk and disrupted your plans. But the idea of someone who prioritises TTC over recovery after a GA is frankly a bit scary, and I can understand that he may be self-sabotaging as a way of showing how uncomfortable he is with this process.

You need to have a calm discussion. Not a row.

Silvercatowner · 10/09/2016 08:28

The standard advice after a GA (however short the op) is to have someone with you, and if you are single you need to find a friend to stay with or to stay with you. My husband would not have dreamt of leaving me after a medical procedure, however minor.

Charley50 · 10/09/2016 08:28

I think it's incredibly selfish of him to go out and expect your partner, or her friends, to look after the kids when they have had an op. Even worse that he was so fucked that he's going to be useless today.

Gwenhwyfar · 10/09/2016 08:36

"if you are single you need to find a friend to stay with or to stay with you. "

What if you don't have anyone available?

TheDowagerCuntess · 10/09/2016 08:36

I'm really surprised he'd prioritise going out, after staying in to be with you, post-GA.

Also, you already have a couple of DC by the sounds of it. Are you sure he's really into trying for a third?

phillipp · 10/09/2016 09:30

The TTC is a red herring.

perhaps but perhaps not.

I get the feeling the OP, told her dh she didn't need anyone with her, down played the operation and recovery to ensure they dtd when they came home.

Of course he still should have stayed. But I can't help wonder if the op put ttc, above her own health too.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 10/09/2016 10:45

If someone has been drinking heavily, then I reckon being sick probably is their fault.

nancyblackett80 · 10/09/2016 11:55

Ah November it was probably a bad pint

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