To feel like the unwanted daughter-in-law to be

[Fairybella]

I'm soon to marry but dp mother can't stop talking bout his ex.... Even having meals together.. She tells us both all about it... She showed her a pic of our dd!

Aibu to feel hurt and a little fucking annoyed now??

I think dp is under the illusion that she can do no wrong... Even when she has insulted something about me in front of my children.

Erm, are you absolutely sure you want to marry a man who stands by whilst his family insults you and says nothing? I bloody wouldn't. As usual you do not have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem. Good luck.

you should both be dealing with this, especially in light of your latest update...he's happy for you to be insulted ??? I'd not put up with that for a moment, never mind four years

Does MIL regale you with all her "doings" ??...lunch with Mabel from down the road, the WI meeting, the conversation with the butcher, the ex neighbour she met in tesco.....cos the lunching with the ex might be just her spilling her day/week to you

But if it is just the ex then it is calculated to upset you and put you firmly into your second best place.

I don't think the ex would want to be shown pics of your DC. I bet they don't meet up for lunch again!

My MIL is/was similar. Thankfully my husband told her to sort it or hop it. Think it is four years since we were last graced with her presence.

Can't say I miss her.

I think dp is under the illusion that she can do no wrong... Even when she has insulted something about me infront of my children.

You may have a much bigger problem than you realise.

If she is insulting you in front of the kids and your husband isn't seeing the problem or isn't reacting, then he hasn't got your back. In fact, the fact that she's insulting you is worrying, when you put that together with the digs about his ex - there's there possibility that you're going to have a lot more trouble in future with her.

Insulting you when your children are there is absolutely unacceptable.

I know this sounds harsh, but a man who is fully adult stands up for his fiancé when their mother starts pinpricking them. He's independent of her emotionally, even while he loves her. He certainly doesn't allow her to be insulting in front of his prospective stepchildren. It could be worth observing how he is with her with a detached eye for a time. If he puts you second to her in the marriage, you're going to have a battle on your hands and possibly a very miserable time.

All this may be extrapolating too far but there are definitely some red flags flying here. Also, you need action from him, not words.

This may be extrapolating too far

oops sorry about the last sentance

I think dp is under the illusion that she can do no wrong... Even when she has insulted something about me infront of my children.

Why are you marrying a man who cannot challenge his mother when she insults you?

I'm not being funny here .... but your fiancé is giving his mum the green light to treat you like this.

2 years in you'll have more issues and it's because you've ignored the raging red flags.

This is really on you to assert yourself to get respect by from your MIL and fiancé. Don't get married without getting this sorted.

When you say she insults you ... can you give an example of what she says?

You either start getting feisty ... so when she gets rude .. you stand up and say "well I'm not staying here to be insulted" you gets your DC and leave.

If she does it in your house .. do the same ... "Do you find pleasure in being so rude? Or "whatever happened to your manners STBMIL?"

I'll bet your fiancé goes to his mum's defence then. I'd say your STBMIL has the audacity to speak as she does because your Fiancé doesn't respect you. If he did respect you .. he'd call his mum out on it straight away.

You're the one he's going to vow to love, cherish, for better or worse... in sickness and health and yet he is fine with you being insulted by his mum ...... don't you see the real problem here?

Agreed you're going to have develop the ability to stand up to her. Sometimes conflict can't be avoided, if the other person pushes and pushes and pushes. It's either develop a way to stand up to them, or become a doormat.

My MIL used to do this. She was very friendly with my DH's ex for a long time after they split and we got together.
To be honest, I didn't actually care. Why would I?
They split before we met, we were happily married, she was just a woman who used to date my DH.
I didn't feel any different about MIL talking about her than if she was talking about her neighbours.
This will only bother you as much as you allow it to.

My XMIL does this to wind up XH, and his new fiance. She never could stand me, or anyone else XH ever had a relationship with, including this latest fiance.

However, I know, from feedback from DC, who think it's hilarious, that XMIL raves on and on about me to fiance. She refers constantly to things we all did together, suggests days out "Let's go to that restaurant/park/beach Bluebeck loved"

Difference here is that XH has apparently called XMIL out on it and told her it is not funny, is not acceptable, and has to stop.

If your DP won't do that, you have a problem, and it isn't MIL.

Thank you all for your replies.

You have given me a lot to consider.

Dp and his ex have no children together.

An insult would be for instance saying a "certain" type of person has bodily piercings ie not the short she wants about when I have them. And she knows it.
She once asked my dp infront of the family if I "hadn't allowed" him out... She knew at this point our very young baby did not sleep and I was sinking and I asked him to stay and help me as I was overwhelmed.
Doesn't sound much when it's written down but it's more the way it's said... How it is often said so nicely but comes across so unkind.

It's little digs I guess that eventually build up...

That, on the quiet, is enemy action. People who've been there recognise it, others who haven't don't see what the problem is.

You really do need to plan how to deal with this. Some people challenge things every time, though it can feel cumbersome. Some people withdraw from their MIL. Some people come back with comments such as saying to their husband/fiancé "oh darling, did I remember to let you out of the cupboard on Tuesday?" eg exaggerating and making a joke of it, but at the same time pointing up what she is doing.

If (if) she is really subtly sniping at you, you need to think very hard about whether your fiancé will support you. If you read these boards for any time, you see how much stress, hurt and friction unpleasant parents of one partner can cause.

And if everything settles down, then great. But she does sound quietly rather malicious and hurtful.

I would ask dh to talk to her one to one- very bluntly ask her not to mention her again

Also to tell her not to be do rude about piercings or whatever.

My sil is a bit like that with comments and if I had more guts I would say to you mil 'oh you really are behind the times' or similar.

Please make sure your dh does this soon or it will eat you up! I have a lovely mil but I wouldn't allow her to belittle me. She would often say 'dh is very modern cooking - in a sort of dig type of way ad in, her generation looked after the men' and I know dh has stopped it as she doesn't do it anymore

Sorry if that was jumbled. To be clear - 'dh - its bang out of order your mother mentioning ex. We have a baby together. This is not up for discussion - you need to tell her to stop. Its disrespectful and rude of her and I am an outsider and you as her family so if you think anything of me - sort it'

Thank your thoughts.

I haven't got the courage to say anything myself i am pretty sure I would come off as the bad guy.
I've asked dp to maybe approach it next as in a jokey way " haha, mum you know you are breaking the mil rules by discussing the ex" I don't want to offend her.