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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off

42 replies

zoid1 · 09/09/2016 16:40

I need an operation and have been waiting for it a long time. It's not life threatening but it is intermittently painful/uncomfortable. The waiting list is long so I've been waiting for around 12 months.

I've been told this week that it's likely to be scheduled for a certain Saturday in October. Unfortunately the Saturday is one that myself and DP were signed up to do a running event, in another city, we paid to enter and paid for a hotel.

The hospital advise that I should prepare to be in a lot of pain and the surgery means I will find it painful and difficult to walk, for this reason someone must drive me home.

We live in London, my family live in Scotland, DP is the only person I know with a car. He's saying he's paid to enter so he won't be dropping out and I should get the op moved. I can't do this so it seems I'll have to get a taxi.

I feel really sad that he's willing to allow me to get home alone and have to spend that first night on my own when my mobility will be limited and I will be in so much pain.

Is that high maintenance? Am I being unreasonable? I genuinely don't think I am. If it was reversed I wouldn't go.

It just makes me feel sad!

NC for this

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 09/09/2016 19:30

Remind yourself what amazing good points he has that somehow makes this okay?

MoreCoffeeNow · 09/09/2016 19:32

He's a prick, OP, you deserve a lot better. This will happen for the rest of your life.

MrsChrisPratt · 09/09/2016 19:35

Wow, set him straight and if he doesn't listen/gets resentful, get rid. What a selfish arse.

mineofuselessinformation · 09/09/2016 22:06

In the earlier years, yes, but by the time we were divorced, no.
He had totally withdrawn and become very selfish - but by that time we had been married for nearly twenty years.
Looking back, it is obvious that he wanted all of my attention (so didn't like having children who demanded my time, although he was happy to play the Disney dad - I was the 'bad guy' who dealt with the day to day, whilst he did all of the 'fun').
It's a very long story, but I know I ended up in a very bad place because he eroded all of my self esteem until I didn't know who I was any more.
It was when I had an abortion - a baby I would have been very happy to have, but knew I couldn't bear to bring into a loveless (from his side - I still over him very much) marriage, that I finally started to realise.
I was totally traumatised by the whole thing, had begged him not to leave me on my own, yet all he could do on the return journey in the car was to tell me how he'd had a lovely chat in the waiting room....
Sorry to dump that on you. I don't know if any of it rings true with you.
Either way, a partner should be a partner. With you through thick and thin, come what may.

mineofuselessinformation · 09/09/2016 22:07

Loved, not over.

AlpacaLypse · 09/09/2016 22:21

What he should be doing is calling up the organisers of the running event and asking if you can both defer entry until next year (assuming it's an annual event), and explaining why. And calling up the hotel to say the same thing. If you have travel insurance, it may well cover this anyway.

Instead he's definitely being an arse.

BeMorePanda · 09/09/2016 22:31

Well he's letting you know how much he values and prioritises you - I'd be devastated. So sorry op.

Hopefully after a day or 2 he will realise what an utter arse he is being and change his position. If not, it may be time to rethink the relationship. It doesn't bode well for any future health issues you might have.

I left XP after he was mean and unsupportive when I was ill. There were other issues but that was the final straw for me.

george1020 · 09/09/2016 23:11

Can a family member travel down and stay with you a while? Any friends that might be able to stay a few nights?

Your OH sounds like a selfish shit! It would make me really question the whole relationship. Life is too short to settle for a relationship where you are not equal, important to each other and loved.

MyKingdomForBrie · 09/09/2016 23:15

Wow. My DH and o cancelled a trip away/lost money on hotel because the cat was in hospital, let alone each other! He sounds like a total prick. I definitely would bother trying to force him to be there, I'd just be looking to get rid.

ToffeeForEveryone · 09/09/2016 23:19

Big red flag OP. How long have you been together?

If it's not the only time something like this has happened, it seems your DP has a selfish streak or at least a lack of empathy.

justdontevenfuckingstart · 09/09/2016 23:25

I am quite easy going but good grief. Your partner is awful. No way after a general we would put anything above that.

FriskyFrog · 09/09/2016 23:34

Sorry your DP is so selfish. Sounds like you could do better. Tell him to jog on.

maddening · 09/09/2016 23:40

They won't let you go home in a taxi

maddening · 09/09/2016 23:43

PS a friend could accompany you in a taxi and stay with you at home if that is possible but also your dp ibu - you should be his priority.

MaryMargaret · 10/09/2016 08:38

Well if a single friend asked me to do this for her I'd be pleased to help out. But if married friend asked me to step in because her OH was doing what your OH is doing, I'd still help, but be more than a little and very pissed off with his incursion into my time. I possibly wouldn't do it a second time (unless she'd booted him out of course).

PirateFairy45 · 10/09/2016 08:45

He's a dick

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/09/2016 08:52

They might well let her go home alone/in a taxi - it's not ideal but people with nobody still get discharged!

I've had quite a few GA ops and for the first few, had nobody who could collect or stay with me after. They just make sure you're in a good way to go home, and arrange a call back for that evening/the morning to make sure you're okay. It might slightly increase chances of a stop over but op is expecting that anyway.

I find GA fine, I wake up almost instantly and am ravenous, and then fine. I always surprise the nurses! Even with that, DP wouldn't let me deal with it on my own. He may well not be needed, but he'd rather be there helping and making life easier.

I'd be having a think about whether this is generally reflective of where you feature in his life, and how much of a priority you are. If it is, you can do miles better.

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