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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to struggle to hold it together.

25 replies

ShtoppenDerFloppen · 08/09/2016 16:42

And perhaps ask for some coping tips?

I lost a daughter as an infant - she was 6 weeks old. She would have turned 17 this year.

My best friend's daughter passed away yesterday. They live several hundred km from me, so I am busy planning travel so I can get there as soon as possible to support her and care for my family iname my absence.

I am struggling terribly as this has torn open some very deep wounds for me. Her daughter, while 12 years old, passed in very similar circumstances to mine, and I am having flashbacks, crying at everything and nothing, and barely functioning.

I need to try and compartmentalize this at least for the next few days so that I can support her in the best way I can.

Do any of you have ideas of short term (and at least reasonably healthy) coping methods I might be able to use? I have 7 1/2 hours of travel each way coming up, and would rather not make a fool of myself to complete strangers.

OP posts:

ghostyslovesheep · 08/09/2016 16:46

oh how sad for you both - no idea but hopefully some one will be along soon xxxx

Original poster

ShtoppenDerFloppen · 08/09/2016 23:25

So talk about morning wood gets tons of responses... asking for help or support - not so much.

I guess I really fucked up this time - sorry for wasting your precious 15 threads no one responds to with one that pretty much no one responded to.

Thanks for your thoughts ghosty

OP posts:

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 08/09/2016 23:28

You might find more support on the bereavement board

Queenbean · 08/09/2016 23:31

This is terrible, how awful for you. I'm very sorry for your loss and the wounds this has opened up

I don't have anything useful to add I'm afraid but you won't get such kind responses on AIBU as you would on Bereavement. Report your post and ask HQ to move it for you.

for you, be kind to yourself

Evilstepmum01 · 08/09/2016 23:31

Didnt want to read and run, sadly I have no coping strategies to suggest apart from having an epic cry before travelling?

So sorry for both you and your friend, very sad. I hope you are able to support her and manage to cope.

AliTheMinx · 08/09/2016 23:31

I am so sorry for your loss and that this new tragedy has opened up so many old wounds. I really hope that you are able to find the support you need to work through this difficult time. I haven't been on your position so do not have any personal experience or advice to impart, but I felt so saddened reading your post and just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you (and your friend) xxxx

Lemonwater · 08/09/2016 23:32

I'm so sorry for your loss and that of your friend. I don't have any coping tips but I didn't want to read and not comment.

You must be such a strong person going through what you have. whilst you have a hard time ahead of you I am sure you will be stronger than you ever thought you could be.

My thoughts will be with you and your friend.

JaceLancs · 08/09/2016 23:33

Don't know how well you knew your friends daughter but I would try and concentrate my thoughts on happy memories of her, and your friend that you can share
You have my very deepest sympathy, in my experience I have found trying to help someone else detracts a little from my own pain
I am sure your friend will appreciate any help you can give her, hope the journey there is not too painful

Ihopeyouhadthetimeofyourlife · 08/09/2016 23:35

I am so sorry. This must be heartbreaking for you. I don't think people aren't posting because they don't care, more likely that they have no idea how to help. I don't either. I can't truly imagine how hard this is for you, I'm sorry. But I wanted to post to let you know I feel for you and am thinking of you and your DD

Lilacpink40 · 08/09/2016 23:35

Sorry this has happened to you and your friend.

Could you use coping strategies for travel that you would use for stress normally, e.g. read or listen to music?

IwillrunIwillfly · 08/09/2016 23:36

So sorry you and you friend are going through this and its wonderful youre going to support her. I dont know much about coping stratagies sorry, but for the travel i wpuld make sure i had lots to keep my mond busy. Maybe download something to watch on your phone, take a good book, puzzles etc. I also find if i get teary then having a drinknof water helps get rid of the lump in my throat so i'd have a big bottle of water!

I find sometimes it helps me to be busy practically so things like making a list of things you could do to help, recipies for meals you could make her etc might help keep you going? But remember its ok not to be ok all of the time. This has obvioulsy opened up old wounds for you and its ok to be upset. I hope you and your friend are ok op.

Farmmummy · 08/09/2016 23:36

I am so sorry for your loss and that of your friend. I don't think it's going to be possible for you not to have these feelings given the circumstances, it just brings it all back, but while you are with your friend she will be glad of someone who actually understands what she is going through not just making the appropriate (albeit well meant) noises, I know I have been glad of someone to cry and rage with not just say platitudes.
The travel I wish I could offer better advice the only thing I've got is not particularly healthy but as someone with crippling migraines travel doesn't always go well even in normal circumstances and I find a couple of strong painkillers and an eye mask will not knock me out but "mellow" while the eye mask might discourage unwanted conversation. Again sorry that's not more helpful, I wish you the best for an awful situation and I hope you and your friend find some kind of way together

PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2016 23:36

Have you been to see your GP? They might be able to offer you some help while you're having a really tough time (understandably) with the flashbacks.

My grandfather died suddenly while I was on holiday and I think I cried all the way home on the six hour train journey. Big sunglasses, headphones and a book help with "please don't talk to me". Will anyone be going with you?

PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2016 23:38

I forgot to say, I bet your friend will really appreciate you being there. It's a really lovely thing to do, especially with it being so tough for you.

EttaJ · 08/09/2016 23:38

I am so so sorry OP. I hope you and your friend can get comfort from each other at this horrific time. Time makes no difference with grief. It is as fresh as the day it happens. I wish you both well.Again, I'm so terribly sorry for you both.

FeralBeryl · 08/09/2016 23:40

I am so so sorry for your losses
Life really isn't fair.
Just take each hour at a time, are you travelling alone?
An audiobook may keep your thoughts at bay momentarily on the train. Breathing exercises too.
Have you posted in Bereavement-I found the advice there invaluable a while back.

Charley50 · 08/09/2016 23:48

Sorry for you and your friend. So sad for you both.

MinonsMovie · 09/09/2016 00:04

I am so sorry this is happening in your life. I'm going to share some things as you've asked for suggestions:

Antidepressants - numb everything until you regain your strength.

Be kind and compassionate to yourself, check your inner voice. All you are feeling is valid and ok, don't tell yourself off for how you feel.

Try meditation to help you sleep. The honest guys on YouTube do a good talk down.

Remember to eat. If you can't face much get a vegetable soup that is full of goodness and blend it to liquid.

Avoid too much caffeine or alcohol.

Allow yourself to cry, really let it out.

Ice on the temples helps if the crying and head overload gives you headaches.

Hot water bottle can be a comfort.

Call the Samaritans - you don't have to be suicidal and they are very good at listening. You are not wasting their time, you are important.

MoonStar07 · 09/09/2016 00:05

I wouldn't put pressure on yourself to be anything. Your friend must know about your daughter. I think you be you and you both cope together. I think you should both cry together and be together as you both know you have both suffered such terrible loss. Sending prayers

RarelyInfallible · 09/09/2016 00:12

How awful, for all of you. I'd second keeping the Samaritans number handy and then you can lick yourself in the loo if you need to call them. And don't worry too much about letting the emotion out - your friend may appreciate that someone really gets the enormity of what she's feeling.

MrsMozart · 09/09/2016 00:14

I've not been in this situation and can't imagine what you're both going through.

I think that just being there for each other and not having to have every moment filled with talk or noise will help.

Sorry. I feel like I'm being useless with words, but onow that we're thinking of you.

Flumpnugget · 09/09/2016 00:16

Would it be helpful to get some of your feelings around the similarities out in the open, in order to help you make some kind of sense of it all? Do you work well with a pen and paper, or use your phone notepad better? Write it all down, however hard and difficult it seems. Reading it back might just help you organise your thoughts.

In terms of coping strategies, the fact is that you have never dealt with this particular situation before in your life, as it is new and has just happened- so give yourself time to digest the facts. Listen openly to what is being said around you. Focus on tiny next steps ie- now I'll make a cup of tea, then I'll phone my sister, make it as mindful as possible.

All of the triggering of old memories are going to hit you with huge emotion attached- be kind to yourself when they come- don't try to suppress it or talk yourself out of feeling the feelings. You have depths and strength you wouldn't even know about until the present time.

Lastly, as selfless as it is that you are going to support yourself, make sure that you have a support structure in place for yourself too. This is a huge ordeal and you have to keep yourself well, mentally and physically. Who can you lean on to talk through your feelings? Use them.

Good luck, OP. Sending strength.

Flumpnugget · 09/09/2016 00:18

support your friend

AmateurExpert · 09/09/2016 00:26

I understand completely
Being triggered by a similar loss to your own is torture - it has happened to me (stillbirth followed by a friends own loss a year on) and I dread it happening again

Sometimes it can help to 'lean in' to those difficult feelings - allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel and face it head on. Be there for your friend and stand in those awful feelings with her and let whatever emotions come, come. Sometimes it's those feelings we want to run a mile from that we actually need to experience

That's only one suggestion. It depends where you're at. Theres also no shame in being supportive while still protecting yourself. Can you take someone with you as a buffer?

MinonsMovie · 09/09/2016 13:06

ShtoppenDerFloppen I've been thinking about you. Just wanted to post and say that. This is a very difficult time and you are allowed to feel like this.

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