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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hide in my bedroom MNing while PIL are here?

42 replies

myownperson · 07/09/2016 16:25

I don't think I am but I still need to be told not to feel guilty Smile

Or maybe this is really rude? Confused

Separated from husband but still have my PIL to visit most weeks.

I'll go down soon to make some tea for everyone but figure it's OK to leave them playing with kids for a little while.

OP posts:
Original poster
myownperson · 07/09/2016 18:13

Hi Across, I know I know. I will tackle it properly some day. I just don't want to upset things when everything is OK. I find it impossible to reduce visits as they know I'm at home so I have no possible reason to be busy every single day.

I can't leave the house as my youngest won't stay without me. He's quite clingy just now. I could try and say something along the lines of purplecrazyhorse and Hesterton.

OP posts:
blueturtle6 · 07/09/2016 18:47

Id say do you mind if I get on with some chores and make it like the grandparents are minding the kids. Then pop upstairs with a duster and phone Wink

Gottagetmoving · 07/09/2016 18:53

Because they are the EX'S parents?? They take them out every other weekend but still insist on visiting my friend in the week. They divorced 5 years ago and ex-h is on his 3rd wife!

And they are the children's grandparents. I don't see how being the ex's parents alters that.
I think I would want to see my grandchildren as often as possible and not just dependant on when their father bothers to or can see them.
People get divorced but children and grandparents don't have to.

hesterton · 07/09/2016 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SexNamesRFab · 07/09/2016 19:23

Tell them you're doing housework/applying for jobs/online grocery shopping.

Original poster
myownperson · 07/09/2016 19:38

Gottagetmoving I think that's a really unrealistic approach to most break ups.

Parents need to work out how to move on from a relationship, how to manage their new family set up, manage shared parenting etc. I know I'm not the only one to find that difficult while still having a relationship with ILs.

Parents being well and happy matters more to the children than a relationship with grandparents.

I know I'm being one of those posters who says AIBU but only listens to some answers. But there we go. It was a genuine question at the time as it was new for me to manage in a way that works better for me.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 07/09/2016 20:12

Parents need to work out how to move on from a relationship, how to manage their new family set up, manage shared parenting etc. I know I'm not the only one to find that difficult while still having a relationship with ILs
Parents being well and happy matters more to the children than a relationship with grandparents

That's very sad.
The children's relationship with the grandparents is separate to yours.
They are blood related and it can be a valuable bond. It's no different to the relationship they have with your parents.

It's a shame the children and grandparents suffer because of the parents

JellyBelli · 07/09/2016 20:15

This has been an interesting thread.
In our home, if you have to entertain them, they are guests not family.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/09/2016 20:24

Well, just stay away from them as much as possible until you're ready to make those changes. The time will come when it feels right to you.

Heavenly there are many ways grandparents may have a negative effect on their daughter, son, DiL, or SiL, whilst still treating their grandchildren well. Just being 'good' grandparents isn't enough. They must treat the parents of those children with, at the very least, respect and politeness. The Good Lord knows we've all seen many threads about that sort of thing!

Original poster
myownperson · 07/09/2016 20:27

Still a very simplistic view but I appreciate you don't know my circumstances. I doubt it's that simple in many relationships.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 07/09/2016 20:31

So why aren't they seeing them with their son?

Gottagetmoving · 07/09/2016 20:49

Still a very simplistic view but I appreciate you don't know my circumstances. I doubt it's that simple in many relationships

Yes, I concede, I don't know your personal circumstances.
I didn't mean to sound harsh. I suppose I just prefer children to be able to have good contact with their grandparents.

Original poster
myownperson · 07/09/2016 20:51

Sorry didn't mean to ignore your question first time. Its a routine that's been in place along time. Difficult to get out of - is the short answer. We've been family a long time. But it's a valid question and something we need to look at.

OP posts:
Original poster
myownperson · 07/09/2016 20:55

I understand Gottagetmoving.

OP posts:
Wolpertinger · 07/09/2016 20:59

In most break-ups, contact with ex's parents would be facilitated by ex.

So you have been fantastic by being prepared to see your PILs at all, let alone in your home, especially as frequently as you do.

You know you have no need to feel guilty about mumsnetting in your bedroom while they are there.

You do need to think about how these visits are going to work in the long term - how much does the ex facilitate them in his time? Given PILs don't enhance your life in any way, can they take children out without you? How frequently is realistic? and so on and so forth...

Original poster
myownperson · 07/09/2016 21:25

Thanks Wolpertinget. Need to give thought to those things.

OP posts:
HeavenlyHeathen · 07/09/2016 21:26

But across the op hasn't said the gp are having a negative effect on her.

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