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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not a big deal? And wouldn't be if it were the other way round.

53 replies

smileygrapefruit · 07/09/2016 14:54

Yesterday DH had a day off, I was working. He took 2 DD's (nearly 3 and 9 months) to the beach for the day. 1.5 hours drive each way and spent the whole day there. Every body I told reacted like 'wowww that's amazing' and even 'OMG do you trust him to have them on his own all day?'. He said strangers came up to say 'well done' and the such. I've just got off the phone to mil and she said she couldn't believe he'd done that on his own. I had a bit of a rant at her asking why should he not? DH works ridiculous hours so the majority of childcare is down to me and no one would give a second thought about me doing the same. Is there really such an old fashioned/sexist few on looking after your own bloody kids?!

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 07/09/2016 15:53

'DH works ridiculous hours so the majority of childcare is down to me and no one would give a second thought about me doing the same. '

THIS. Oh well, so what, you took them to the beach, you"re supposed to do stuff like that, you're a mum!! Hmm

As a woman you're somehow expected to do everything and more, but if a guy does it he's dad of the year. Such double standards.

It's also patronizing to men. People assume they are incapable.

SunnyBanker · 07/09/2016 15:55

Spending all day on a beach alone with a 2 year old and a 9 month old sounds like hell on a stick to me.

I'd probably think/say 'Wow, all day with them on a beach on his own' or similar...which has nothing to do with the fact he's a man. So I don't think automatically all comments like that will be related to the sex of the parent tbh.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 07/09/2016 15:57

I must be doing something wrong because I can't remember anyone congratulating me when I'm out with the kids on my own. I don't think my wife gets congratulated for having such a wonderful husband either. Harumphh.

KathyBeale · 07/09/2016 15:59

My husband quite often takes our boys out on his own - they go to watch football most weekends. I don't think anyone's commented on how amazing he is for doing that, but I wonder if they would if they were going somewhere different... (mind you, he'd go to football whether or not the boys wanted to go!).

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 07/09/2016 16:00

I'd be doing my own private top-mum-victory-dance if I'd have driven an hour and a half and spent the whole day at the beach with a 3yo and a 9mo and everyone came home happy.

Benedikte2 · 07/09/2016 16:02

Zippy sorry to hear about your smear. Hope it's all under control as it must be worry to you.
Re Mr Z etc my XH was very quietly spoken and everyone thought he was wonderful . He talked the talk but never walked the walk -- one nappy change in total. After I left everyone, my family included found it hard to believe how abusive he'd been. Rather like Rob and Helen situation in the Archers.
Not saying Mr Z is like Rob but outsiders tend to make judgments re male partners and stick with them because the women are loathe to complain until things get really bad. Then the woman gets blamed because he was so wonderful

RumAppleGinger · 07/09/2016 16:03

YANBU. It's a fucking nonsense.

I was getting my hair cut a few weeks ago and the lady washing my hair said "so where are the kids today? Are they with your mum?" I said no, they're just at home with DH. Her reply was "Oh my goodness! That's awfy good of him! How kind!". Err not really they're his kids too and he had a lie in to 11am before I left to come to the hairdressers. She continued to bang on about what a great husband he must be. Don't get me wrong, he is a good husband but not because he looks after his own kids all by himself for an hour on a Saturday. I do wonder just how much shit some women must put up with to see a man looking after his own children as a some kind of spectacular act.

catmombaby16 · 07/09/2016 16:04

OMG. This is hilarious.

The man is their FATHER not a stranger lol!

I am expecting my first baby in November and I can already see that my DP will do this - he is amazing and its lovely that they want time alone/to bond etc.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 07/09/2016 16:04

I hate it. Of course he can look after them for the day.
HOWEVER I have a friend who doesn't let her DH take their DD for longer than an hour. It's madness. She was shocked that I "allow" DP to take our daughter out for the day! Hmm

NickiFury · 07/09/2016 16:08

I take my kids all over the world by myself, I don't think anyone in my family has ever said I am amazing for it. My ex took the day off work to come to Legoland for one of children's birthdays and people were nearly in tears of joy about it, "oh that's brilliant!"

Is it? Hmm

Witchend · 07/09/2016 16:08

I think if anyone man or woman told me they'd driven 1.5hours to take a 3yo and a 9 month old to the beach my reaction would be along the lines of "Wow! You're brave/kind/Amazing" type.

Not something I would choose to do alone with those ages.

Purplepicnic · 07/09/2016 16:10

DH got praised by the sales lady in the shoe shop last week for taking the DC to buy school shoes.

I told him he should have been offended.

LugsTheDog · 07/09/2016 16:10

I'd be pretty proud of myself if I'd done that tbh. 3 hours solo in a car with a baby and toddler? If you were complaining he'd earned all this praise from just having them at home and managed a walk to the park, I'd be with you.

It's not like most of us pop to the beach every week on mat leave is it?

Goingtobeawesome · 07/09/2016 16:11

Do strangers really tell other strangers they are doing a great job?

I wonder if some men report this as they want an ego stroke..

Floggingmolly · 07/09/2016 16:28

Everyone I told reacted like.... If it's no big deal; why were you telling everybody? Were you looking for a reaction?

Italiangreyhound · 07/09/2016 16:35

smiley I agree. When men look after kids people (some people) are like wow how great, when women do it its's like........ ....... (no big deal).

EweAreHere · 07/09/2016 16:39

Ugh. I hate this. And I especially hate men who buy into it and think they're all that and a bag of chips for parenting their own children!

Original poster
smileygrapefruit · 07/09/2016 16:50

Sorry I haven't been back to reply sooner, I had just finished work with 9 mo in tow then had to pick up dd1 from childminder and take them both to the hospital for dd1s 3 monthly ultrasound scan, where's my medal Wink

flogging no I wasn't "looking for a reaction", people ask after the kids and I tell them.

For those of you saying he was amazing for doing it, I think so too really, I just think it would be no more or less amazing if I did it. As I said DH works stupid hours including weekends so we very rarely have a full day together. On his days off he does something with them, when I'm off I do something with them. When we are both working I take dd2 with me.

I agree with those that say that people must compare other people's situations to their own and their own shitty husbands but that doesn't make those men who do spend time with their kids superman, just actually what they should be doing. I know I'm lucky to have DH but only in as far as he loves us all and does his best, if he didn't want to spend time with his children he'd be out!

OP posts:
coldcanary · 07/09/2016 17:07

DH had this once when DC3 was a baby but that's it. He took them all out for the day and got few older people commenting on how 'good' he was but to be honest round here it's very common.
I would like to report that as a woman and a childminder I have had this reaction myself though Grin
Took my brood plus mindees out for a museum trip looking like the pied piper and got a couple of lovely comments. Plus the offer of a free large glass of wine when we stopped for a cold drink. Sadly I had to refuse as I was working...

JamieLannistersFuckButler · 07/09/2016 17:17

My brother parents his children alone for a whole weekend a handful of times a year while his lady has a weekend away.
His partner does the same.
They both get a change of scene that way. (It does seem to perturb his/my mother that his partner does this).

MrsTerryPratchett
I love that your husband's camping trips have expanded like that. It must give those who are less confident about "dad managing on his own" Hmm a bit of confidence, genuinely unsure-of-their-skills dads a huge confidence surge, mutual support. Lazy dads must get a bit of a kick up the arse from partners who know the other dads are doing this...

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 07/09/2016 17:27

It's not just the he super dad comments that irk me. It's the cats bum face that you get, because as a mother, you are lying on the sofa in your pyjamas on a Saturday channel surfing while your other half takes the kids and runs a few errands.

I had this from a neighbour once. I'd made a trip to Florida, Atlanta and DR in four days. But I was obviously a lazy indulgent bitch to need some rest at the weekend. Hmm

RB68 · 07/09/2016 17:30

I wonder if much of this stems from the fact that there is a pervading "boys mustn't play with prams and dolls. It makes me sad when parents say oh he can't play with those they are girls toys, or I am not having my son play with those etc. How else are they going to learn to be comfortable with babies if they are not allowed to love and care and practice. Same for playing with babies and small children when they are younger. It is a great shame

twinkletash · 07/09/2016 17:34

I totally agree, I go out all the time with my DD (4months) and no one bats an eye but when my DP took her out in her carrier for the first time he got stopped loads and told me loads of people were asking about her and how he's getting on etc
It's like people don't expect to see dads being parents, crazy!

Longtalljosie · 07/09/2016 17:57

Zippy - you can tell us about it whenever you like. Would you like to start your own thread? Flowers

flowerpotfairy · 07/09/2016 18:24

Totally sexist and yanbu.