..to think OH should get out of bed

[IsItJustFuck1ngMe]

background - OH has not worked consistently since March (did 3 weeks in the summer) ... seems to have been depressed for a while. Drinking far too much, sleeping erratically, mood swings. I work FT in a board level high pressure job, maintain all bills.

current situation - 3 months pregnant, tired, very stressful time at work, trying to move home, still paying the bills, stressed to the point of having skin problems and trouble sleeping. OH is addressing his drinking and has gone to some AA meets and group therapy sessions.

Gripe - OH thinks its fine to lay in bed till around 09:00 most weekdays, later on weekends. To me I understand he is depressed but I feel like this is just a huge 2 fingers up at me if he cba to get out of bed to even check I got out the door ok, to even to say have a nice day. I suppose I'm just tired of shouldering all the responsibility for life in general?

Says he is depressed and I should be 'more supportive of how he feels' ... I say I'm fucking knackered and may not be depressed but am highly stressed but can't take MY foot off the pedal and let us just be homeless.

What to do ....

What is the plan for when the baby is born? Have you talked about whether he will be SAHP? Do you want that? I suppose it's looking like the only option unless he somehow get work in the next 6 months. (Possible if he wants to and is lucky) . Do you have other RL support in the event that he turns out to be no help at all?

OP I really feel for you. It is not fair. No one is looking after you and sometimes we all need someone to look after us.

You are doing brilliantly, doing a difficult job, running a home, growing a baby, supporting an ill partner, making the best of what life has thrown at you. And you want someone to share the load. I totally get it.

It doesn't sound like your partner is well enough to really be much support - do you have anyone else to help support you? Parents/family/friends?

for you and keep up the good work - you WILL get through this phase of your life, I hope AA works and your DH turns his life round. But whatever happens you sound very hard working and stronger than you think.

He definitely needs to be getting up earlier.
If you lay in till 9 then you probably won't go to bed till nearer midnight or after. That makes you tired and lethargic the next day so you have to sleep in again to catch up, then staying up later again on the night...

It's a vicious circle and if he wants to beat this depression then I would say that is one of the biggest steps he can take

Depression is debilitating and it is hard to describe to people what it is like going through it. Just getting up, breathing in and out and doing basic tasks such as brushing your teeth can feel like a mountain to climb let alone being able to consider anyone else's wants and needs.

I would recommend CBT for your OH if he is not already seeking that treatment. It helped me.

Please also bear in mind that this will not go away overnight. Try and put in place whatever support you can for you.

Good luck

I do sympathise to a certain extent OP, especially in light of your pregnancy.

There have, however, been many, many threads on MN over the years along the lines of "I'm not working/am on mat leave, but my DH deliberately wakes me up when he gets up for work, purely because he doesn't think I should be allowed to lie in when he doesn't get to"

You can imagine how those pan out - I'm afraid I see your situation as being largely the same, just in reverse...

Hey OP, my DP suffers from depression and is unemployed too at the moment. I actually really appreciate him getting up when I do (6.30!) so I think YANBU.
For me, it reassures me that he's up, doing something, being productive all of which are good for his MH. And yes, it makes me feel better about pulling the financial weight at the mo because I think I'd be jealous of a lie in.

I really do sympathise OP. Pregnancy is tough enough even when you have a fully supportive partner behind you.

I'm glad your OH is getting help. Is he on AD's yet? If not, I would really encourage him to get started on some. I found Citalopram incredibly helpful and it pulled me out of the worst of it to enable me to work and attend counselling, but different meds work differently on different people.

I think you need to see depression as a physical illness. Him lying in bed and not washing isn't laziness or a choice. For him, getting up and bathing are tasks that seem SO overwhelming that there's no point.

How does he feel about the pregnancy? Could it be that the idea of being a dad when he's unwell himself is too much for him to cope with, and so he's withdrawing and avoiding you in an attempt to ignore the reality of the situation?

and for you.

Like Moles i think this smacks of MN double standards. If a woman said her DH wanted her to get up at 6.30am to see him off to work she would be told that it is not the 1950’s anymore! Getting up at 6.30am does not make a person more productive. I can get up at 9 and get loads done. If he was staying in bed all day i could se that might be an issue but not getting up at 9.

Whilst I do have a lot of sympathy with your situation, I simply don't get the 'he must get up early' thing. 9am isn't that late, especially if he is just around the house.

Is he doing housework etc during the day?

What does he do when he's up? Other than drink.

One of the main problems with depression is that the less you do, the more of an effort it becomes to do anything. Maintaining a daily routine can be really helpful to keep the black dog at bay.

Having said that, 9am isn't dreadful at all if he then gets up and does something productive. The drinking is far more of a concern.