Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

..to not feel I owe a friend money?

56 replies

sellotape12 · 06/09/2016 14:04

My old colleagues were attending a birthday party for one of them. I haven't seen them in 9 months but we chat occasionally on WhatsApp. I would call them acquaintances but not friends, although it was nice to have been asked by one of the friends' husbands to attend.

Two days before the party, one of the group said over email that she had bought a gift for the birthday girl. We didn't get a say in what it was or the price. In the end, it didn't get delivered on time, and due to sick babies, I wasn't able to go. The queen bee has now sent me a 'payment reminder' for the gift.

AIBU to say to her I'm not comfortable in paying it? I didn't agree to chipping in, I didn't get a say in the gift or its budget, and I didn't get to have the pleasure of seeing the birthday girl open it anyway!

I just feel like she made a decision, and expected everyone else to pay her.

OP posts:

RebelandaStunner · 06/09/2016 15:05

Tell the Queen Bee to buzz off.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/09/2016 15:11

"The queen bee has now sent me a 'payment reminder' for the gift."
No I wouldn't feel I owed her money either.

"AIBU to say to her I'm not comfortable in paying it? "
Not unreasonable but maybe a bit wishy-washy. Put it that way and she's likely to try and guilt you into paying. How about 'I'm surprised you expect me to pay for a gift that you unilaterally decided to purchase. Surely a group present should be bought with the agreement of group members about what the present is to be and how much? Not just handed a fait accompli?'

Optimist1 · 06/09/2016 15:11

The only mitigating circumstance I can think of is that if the others are all still working together there could have been an in-house discussion about a joint present and the fact that you weren't in on this led to the very late announcement on your WhatsApp group?

expatinscotland · 06/09/2016 15:38

'Two days before the party, one of the group said over email that she had bought a gift for the birthday girl. We didn't get a say in what it was or the price'

She didn't offer you the chance to say 'no'. So you just tell her you won't be paying.

Bogeyface · 06/09/2016 15:43

What did the message say? The wording could be quite important in how you respond. If she just stated it as a fact then you can go back with "As you hadnt discussed getting a joint present with me, I assumed that the message was for those that you had discussed it with, so I wont be contributing"

If she said "Is that ok with everybody?" then that was your chance to say no and by not objecting she WNBU to assume that you were ok with it, so in that case I think you should probably stump up.

Googlebabe · 06/09/2016 16:16

You should pay. And you know it.

You didn't say what you replied to the message anouncing the present purchase.
Also, you going to the party or not is irrelevant. If you made a commitment, you should stick to it.

Lorelei76 · 06/09/2016 16:28

Google - the purchase was "announced", not "asked about".

if someone emails me now and says "I've bought Google a Chanel handbag, you owe me £400 as your share" - I wouldn't begrudge you the gift, I'd be baffled that I was "told" and not "consulted".

Sugarlightly · 06/09/2016 16:29

It's difficult. I have groups of friends where if you tried organising to decide on a present and then prices, it would be 6 months later before you found something. I think say "I'm sorry I didn't realise we were splitting the cost. Can we discuss presents next time before you buy them?" And just chalk this one up to experience and pay your acquaintance

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 06/09/2016 16:32

I think you should have said something at the time.

Looks really lame now not to cough up. Especially if you were credited with gift along with the others.

Beeziekn33ze · 06/09/2016 16:32

I don't think you should pay, agree with Maggie and Bogey. You had sick children, couldn't go and don't see these acquaintances much anyway.
Why did friend's husband invite you? Was it a surprise party or do you know him and his DW better than you do theothers?. QBee is apparently just trying to claw back what she unilaterally decided to spend on a gift of her choice, unless I've missed something.
Still wondering what it was and how much, would that out you maybe?

Bagina · 06/09/2016 16:39

I wouldn't pay. In a work situation the money is usually collected first and then a gift purchased for that amount. A person can't buy something without your consent. However, I think the lines become murkier if they all chipped in for a present for you on your birthday.

eddielizzard · 06/09/2016 16:46

i would ignore it.

BerylStreep · 06/09/2016 16:53

I would ignore too.

BeMorePanda · 06/09/2016 16:55

Right I've just bought my MN friend a present.
OK.

BeMorePanda · 06/09/2016 16:56

Can everyone on this thread send me £10 to cover the cost of the present to my MN friend. I'll PM you my paypal details.

TIA xxx

rookiemere · 06/09/2016 16:57

Technically you're in the right but the time to voice it was the time she announced she bought the present. If it's not ridiculous amount then I would pay up - presumably if you'd attended the party you would have intended to buy something as a present.

I'd pay up then email and say that in future can you be not included in group presents as you prefer to do your own thing.

WeedlesHatOfDisappointment · 06/09/2016 17:02

I'd answer saying 'Sorry, I didn't respond to your first message, I assumed I'd been added to the group chat about paying accidently, as I wasn't originally asked if I wanted to take part in a group gift.
I made alternative arrangements, so won't be contributing to this gift' that you purchased without my knowledge or go ahead

WhatsMyNameNow · 06/09/2016 18:03

Weedles message is good.

I think it's a bit of a tricky situation. You really should have said something when you got the first message.

BerylStreep · 06/09/2016 18:04

OP how much is she asking for? I might cough up if it was a fiver.

jayne1976 · 06/09/2016 19:24

Sorry I didn't get the original messages which said we were all going to chip in for a gift and I made my own arrangements.

IceMaiden73 · 06/09/2016 19:35

For context, how much is it?

Why didn't you say no when she first asked?

Solina · 06/09/2016 19:46

People say OP should have let her know at the time but was it clear it was a joint present that everyone should chip in or did it come as a surprise later? I bet it was a sneaky surprise later on...

YANBU to refuse. You had no say what so ever in any of it and shouldnt be made to pay.

M00nUnit · 06/09/2016 20:05

I can't see anywhere in this thread where you've said how much money she's asking for?

StealthPolarBear · 06/09/2016 20:18

She heard about this two days before! Does everyone check email every day??

Eviecat83 · 06/09/2016 20:21

How much are they asking op?

Flip

1 2 3