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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In how I reacted to this violent 4 year old

45 replies

Peculiarparenting · 05/09/2016 21:39

Today was my sons first day at school. He just turned 4 last week. I was nervous for him about how he would deal with the hustle and bustle. However he seemed okay. The children were only in for half the day. After collecting him we went to the park adjacent to his school. Many of the other reception children who were in today also stayed to play in the park after being dismissed.

A little girl was playing with a piece of equipment in the park and then moved on to another piece of equipment. My son started using what she had just left. She then came running back telling him to get off as it was hers. He laughed and continued to use this equipment whilst she chased him round it. He and I thought they were playing a game. After a while I took pity on her and asked my son to take turns and let her have a go. He left the piece of equipment reluctantly but stood near it whilst she was playing. He then tried to take it back again. At this point the girl started shoving my son and grabbing the front of his jumper. She even shouted at him that this was her park. As soon as they started pushing I jumped in and physically tried to move my son away from this girl. However she kept on at it even though I was there and I repeatedly kept telling her no pushing. Stop pushing. I was pulling my son away from her but she kept following and being aggressive. Finally her dad came running over and removed her from my son. She was holding on to the front of his jumper with both fists at this point. My son didn't seem too fazed by this and went back on to the piece of equipment. However me and another mum exchanged a look of what the hell just happened as she had witnessed the whole thing. The little girl went home shortly after.

Anyway when I told my h about this he sort of blamed me for not sticking up for my son. Apparently i shouldnt have told my son to let her have a turn after she had left the equipment. He also thinks i didnt do enough to protect my son when the girl attacked him. However there was nothing I could do without physically touching this child to stop her except try to get my son away from her. I did tell her to stop pushing but she ignored me. Should i have shouted at her or told her off more firmly? I wouldnt like that if someone did it to my child. He also thought I should have had a go at her dad or her but by the point her dad came over she had run off and he had gone after her. He said to her what do you think your doing but he didn't directly apologise to me or get her to apologise to my son. Should I have demanded an apology?

Anyway now I'm feeling pretty shit about myself and what happened. I have never been a confrontational person. I avoid it and he has made me feel that my desire to avoid confrontation made my son in to a victim. What do you think was IBU in not being more firm with this child? Her father was not near to her during the incident and came running over when he noticed how she wouldn't let go of my son. Or is my h being the unreasonable one by expecting me to have done more to stop this child from hitting my son.

OP posts:

pallasathena · 05/09/2016 22:23

Sensible way to manage the situation - now you need to manage your partners unrealistic expectations. Is he normally a bit of a twat?

bumsexatthebingo · 05/09/2016 22:24

Actually having re-read the op I wouldn't have let my child back on the equipment for a while after tbh. Even though you had got him to let the other girl have a go you have basically shown him that he can just take stuff off people when he wants it. Poor (but age-appropriate) behaviour on both sides I think.

Zippydoodah · 05/09/2016 22:26

She'd already left the equipment

bumsexatthebingo · 05/09/2016 22:28

I meant if I was the op I wouldn't be ignoring the fact that he had tried to take something someone else was using just because the other child then reacted badly to it.

NoMudNoLotus · 05/09/2016 22:29

Violent ???!!!

Zippydoodah · 05/09/2016 22:32

My understanding is different. I've seen this a lot in parks. A child leaves something because they've finished and go on something else but get possessive over it when they see someone else on it. It's the same at toddler groups when they drop a toy back in the box but suddenly want it when another child picks it up.

angelikacpickles · 05/09/2016 22:34

I'm baffled at people thinking this is a normal playground row! I have never seen anything like this happen. Regardless, I think what you did was fine and it's all very well for your DH to say what he think you should have done, but he wasn't there.

DixieWishbone · 05/09/2016 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolomanDaisy · 05/09/2016 22:37

I think your only mistake was going to a park with a load of four year olds who've just had their first day at school. They need a bit of space at home to come down, imo.

Original poster

Peculiarparenting · 05/09/2016 22:39

Thanks for the replies.

I do feel a bit better now. We are both protective of him as he is most likely the youngest in his year. His birthday is almost the end of August. The little girl was bigger then him so it was a bit scary watching her shake him and push him but he just held on to the equipment and didn't move nor did he hit her. I had to move him away from the equipment which he was clinging to. So I'm that regard he wasn't violent as he was not pushing her or hitting back. Just stubbornly refusing to move.

By the way how should my son react in these situations. I normally tell him to tell the other person to stop what they are doing if they are hurting him or saying something mean and then tell the teacher if they keep persisting. What is the best way to react as I'm sure this will happen again. In fact when I picked him up he told me someone had pushed him to the floor in the garden.

OP posts:

PacificDogwod · 05/09/2016 22:50

He will have to find his own way about how to behave in these situations.

IME parents staying out of playground scraps is usually the best way forward - children usually find a way to sort it amongst themselves.

Pushing/shoving is so so normal in that age group.
It sounds like you were more distressed by this episode than him tbh.

Yes to telling him to say 'no' or 'stop' if he is uncomfortable about something, and telling a teacher. Beyond that and teaching him to be kind to others and taking turns etc etc he will have to find his own way.

Good luck, I hope he settles well to school and has fund

JaniceBattersby · 05/09/2016 22:52

At that age I'd just tell him to immediately go and tell a teacher. If he can't get away to get a teacher he needs to shout stop as loud as he can repeatedly until they stop or someone comes. I think anything else, like trying to explain self defence, reasonable force etc is too complicated at 4 and likely to get him in as much trouble as the person who has hurt him.

But honestly, yes, this kind of thing is going to happen and I'd try not to make too much of a big deal of it unless it escalates. Kids pushing each other in reception is fairly normal. They often just haven't learned to deal with their feelings in a rational or measured way yet.

Original poster

Peculiarparenting · 05/09/2016 22:55

Soloman I wanted to give him a chance to make more friends. He did not go to the nursery at the school so perhaps is at a slight disadvantage in that he doesn't know many of the children there. A few children from his preschool did join the school with him and he is very good friends with a girl in his class who used to be in preschool with him. However I'm a bit worried about him being overly reliant on this little girl for friendship just in case her affections change or she decides she wants to play with girls only or even if she is not in one day. So am trying to give him chances to mix with others.

Venus I did have a little chat with the mum who witnessed the event. She had a very cute little boy who I was eyeing up as a potential friend for my ds.

OP posts:

EmmaMacgill · 05/09/2016 22:57

My DS is an August born and I was worried about him mixing with much older kids in his year.
He had already gone to nursery for a couple of years and has always been a sociable boy. One morning I noticed a bigger boy was pushing him around in the school yard, as I was debating intervening, he shoved the boy on his arse. Nothing to be proud of, but it stopped the boy from bullying him from that day on.
Unfotunately the law of the playground is the law of the jungle and children have to develop a level of resiliance to survive

steppemum · 05/09/2016 23:02

sounds as if you did the right thing.

It is never wrong to encourage turn taking and sharing.
There is nothing more you could have done without touchign the girl. As she had his jumper, not his arm or hair, and you were there supporting ds, you did the right thing.

steppemum · 05/09/2016 23:09

Teach you son to say clearly if he doesn't liek something

Let go, you are hurting me.
I don't like that, stop it.

And tell him to go to a teacher stright away if he is hurt.

I like what you said about him quietly standing his ground. Praise that skill, non violent, firm, and not being bullied. Great stuff.

Audreyhelp · 05/09/2016 23:12

You did the right thing . Your husband sounds over the top. No way should you have a go at the dad. He did the right thing by removing her.
Don't be too judgey it might be your child being rough another day .

IsItMeOr · 05/09/2016 23:14

I think what you did was entirely appropriate. Your DH is being OTT.

You did protect your DS. He came to no harm at all.

It is scary how sometimes adults lose the plot with really very small children when they perceive a risk to their own slightly smaller child. And us parents often seem to take it much more to heart than the children do.

IsItMeOr · 05/09/2016 23:17

If another child is hurting yours, e.g. by grabbing some part of them, I think it is perfectly acceptable to take hold of their hand(s) and remove them from our child's body.

If my child was becoming upset, I would also remove their hands from e.g. jumper.

SandyY2K · 06/09/2016 00:05

You did fine. I wouldn't have demanded an apology, but I would have told her to get off my child if she didn't I'd have physically removed her hands. Her dad should have been supervising her more closely.

One child pinched my DD really hard when she was in year 1 at a party and I went up to him and told him never to touch her again. I really wanted to pinch him back in defence of my little girl, (obviously I would never do that) but I just told him off for attacking her for no reason. Then I went and told his mother what he did and that I told him not to do it again. She just looked at me blankly.

10 years later and the boy is still a pain in the neck always in trouble. His mum is useless and doesn't deal with him at all. No suprise he's still a terror.

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