To be feeling a right failure now? 😞

[ScouseBird8364]

So since throwing out my alc.hub over a month ago, I'm just completely struggling to adapt to now being a single momma of 3 and feel like a failure in the process - how come others can do it? Am I just not a good enough mum? 😢

My children are 8, 5 and 18mnths but I seem to just shout at them, ALL the time 😢 My boys are constantly arguing - my 5 year old is a horror and my little girl (the baby) just cries and cries and cries, which, in turn, has had me crying and crying and crying 😢

Will I ever get used to this or do I just now accept and resort to a life of unhappy kids because of a shit mum who just shouts at them all the time? 😢😭

You did a brave thing in getting rid of DH and you should be so proud of yourself-your DCs are now protected from that because of you. This is the action of a wonderful Mum.
You have a lot on your plate and your life has changed...you are all still in an adjustment period. Be kind to yourself.

I don't have any similar experience to offer but just wanted to send you a big hug.

What I do know though is that a month since big change is no time at all. Things will settle down with time, you've just got to hang in there. You'll look back in time and realise what an amazing job you've done in bringing up three children on your own and in testing times. Don't be hard on yourself, you are all adjusting to the new set up and I imagine it took an awful lot of guts to break up with your husband, eve. more so with three little ones. I imagine (from experience) that the children are picking up on your sadness. Don't feel bad about that, you are grieving for the relationship that is no longer. Give it and you time and your emotions will settle down, likewise the children's. In the meantime, can you enlist the help of any friends and family so you can at least get some headspace/privacy to cry your heart out and help yourself feel better?

Thinking of you.

Thank you both for your kind words - had me crying again! My emotions are literally all over the place 😣

I'm just feeling daunted, wondering if this is the way things are going to be for me now - after being with him for 10 years (married for 9) I just feel lost 😞😢

Its very early days. You have done a brave thing for yourself and your children but it must be hugely difficult right now. It will get better as you all gradually get used to new routines and things fall into place. As PP said, be kind to yourself and try not to worry too much. the kids may be picking up a bit on your own feelings of loss and stress. Do you have any support? Family or friends that you can just offload onto for a bit? Just take one day at a time.

It's early days, you all need time to adjust and I'm sure, hope, it will get easier. Don't underestimate the extent of emotional turmoil you've been through, it's very draining.

You are not a failure, you have taken control of your life and did what is best for your family.

As the others have said it is early days and you are still in shock and adjusting. Your children are very young and three under 10 can more than a handful for most without the added stress you are going through. Maybe they are picking up on the tension and change.

Is there anyone who can help you out? Grandparents, siblings, friends, playdates etc. Often one occupied elsewhere can change the dynamic. It's not a long term solution but it can give you a break and make you feel not so shouty. Another thing would to get them out whenever possible. Even if it's just for a walk, a kick about in the park. Outside can be less tense than in.

It will get better. You have an come this far but you know it's for the best.

If you don't have family support would you consider a Homestart volunteer who could perhaps ease your stress trying to meet your dc competing needs and someone to talk to.

Just a thought, have you considered contacting Al non? They are a family support group who are there for anyone who has been affected by alcohol. They have groups up and down the country. Talking through what you are going through and hearibg that other shave come out of the other end could offer a bit of comfort.

I have no experience but i imagine you are emotionally wrung out being in a marraige that was unhappy and trying to cope with your husband must have been an awful lot to cope with. You have had no time to heal life has got in the way the children are unsettled you are unsettled, be kind to yourself let some of the kids behaviour go for a while so you are not shouting.

You've done a v brave thing Scousebird and it is entirely understandable to feel lost. But imagine how life would have been 10 years from now and the impact of an alcoholic father on your children. I'm sure this will be one of the toughest times of your life but you can get through it, you are doing just that now so just keep going and don't be hard on yourself if you have a day of just crying or a day of ranting. Life will not be like this forever, I promise you. Although I don't have any experience of alcoholism, I have had experience of other v unsettling and abusive experiences and I've had those thoughts too of 'is this my life forever now?' Some days will be up, others will be down but think about it, you've done the hardest part of it by confronting the problem. Many women don't and the impact on their children is huge. Please, take some time for yourself when you can and be kind to yourself. You are in my thoughts.

Very brave thing, if you have good family and friends that can give you some emotional and physical support then take it.
Your hv and or gp should be able to help you and maybe signpost you to help and support.
Please don't feel alone, and you are not a shit mum.
You have taking the first step into given yourself and your children a better life.

How are you today OP?