In that I shouldn't have to keep explaining our school choice

[Loumar82]

My dd turned 11 yesterday and so it's time to apply for her secondary school. She currently attends a brilliant CofE primary school around three miles away and this school feeds into an equally brilliant secondary school that is around the same distance but a little closer to home. I decided to opt for a primary further away as most of the schools in our area weren't good enough, and as she was baptised we had the option to choose other schools.

From her starting at primary i knew she'd probably end up going to the feeder secondary and as it turns out my daughter is adamant she wants to go and she will move up with the majority of her year. My problem is I've had a few people question me (rather intently) about our choice and why I would want my dd going to a school further out when there's a perfectly good secondary school on our doorstep.

Well yesterday I had a friend come over who's got a dd the same age as mine so she'll be moving to secondary as well. We got to chatting and she got on to the subject of choosing schools and well she grilled me! I told her that we wanted our dd to go to the CofE school as we felt it was better fit for her. I didn't go into too much detail at first but she carried on asking questions ie why the school down the road isn't good enough for my dd, what's wrong with the school, why don't I want my dd to have local friends etc. She got rather arsey with me actually and she just couldn't accept what I was saying.

You see I'm a sahm at the moment and if my dd wants a lift to school it won't be a problem as I'll be dropping her db off at primary anyway and both schools are two minutes apart. If she wants to get the bus home with friends, which she probably will do as a lot of kids round here go to the school (even though it's three miles out we are in one of the parishes) then that's no problem either as there's a direct bus route.

The secondary school down the road just isn't good enough. It has a horrible feel to it (I've visited twice) has shocking exam results and ofsted reports and in general has a bad reputation. My friend just couldn't understand why I would chose not to send my dd there but it's very obvious why. She doesn't feel it's fair my dd gets slightly more choices of school just because she's baptised but that's not my problem, I don't make the rules after all. I don't know what her problem is really as she's already said she's chosen the local school because she can't be bothered to get up early and drive her dd to school, but that doesn't bother me, and yes I know I'm a sahm but my dd is capable of getting the bus if I go back to work. My friend in my opinion is going for the easiest option and what is best for her, and that's fine, just admit it, and don't have a go at me for choosing differently.

as long as they're happy with their choice that's all that matters surely.

And therein actually lies the problem. Many people don't feel they have a choice, whether due to practicalities or simply being at the mercy of an over subscription criteria. I certainly don't feel I have a choice where my child will go (about to start yr6) I simply have a hope she will get into one of the schools we put in her 3 choices.

No one should have to justify why they are choosing a school, but until everyone actually has a choice where they send their child it will be very emotive, and that will never happen.

Many, many areas don't have grammar schools.

I get what you mean. I have one at private and one at grammar who was previously at a Catholic primary, I have been quizzed on my choices SO many times.

Depending on who is quizzing me i have been know to give quite silly answers because I'm so bored of it, for example DD's private school wear hats, I have told people she goes there because I like the hat or I chose DS' school because the blazer compliments his eyes. Obviously thats nothing to do with why I really chose them but it ends the conversation pretty quickly

I know what it's like to have a friend go out of their way to avoid sending their child to the school your child goes to because they just think that school is shite and not good enough for their child. I have three friends - all nice people, who would bankrupt themselves paying private school fees or hypocritically attend church services for years when they're not religious, in order to avoid sending their children to the school my dc's go to. My dc's school is terrible by any standards. In fact it's very over subscribed and successful. But doesn't offer an elite education, and therefore is 'not right' for their children.

Yes, it does feel like a judgement. Especially when they make mealy-mouthed noises about 'doing what's right for your child'. They think their child is too good for the school my children go to. That's all. Horrid.

Whoops, 'my dc's school isn't terrible

Very interesting thread OP. You shouldn't have to justify your choice of school for your own child any more than you should have to justify the car you drive. Jealousy and insecurity seem rife the minute schools are mentioned. I'm keeping quiet within my mums network from school as I'm sending DD to an independent school next year and I fully expect find out who my real friends are when they discover this.

"Jealousy and insecurity seem rife the minute schools are mentioned"

Yes - because most of us hate injustice when it affects our children.

Our school system is profoundly unfair and does a lot to perpetuate inequality.

Life is inherently unfair though. People have differing priorities and motivations. I'm always shocked at the negative emotions directed to those who invest in their child's education or other academic pursuits in a way they would never judge a hugely expensive vacation or luxury purchase. We all make our own decisions but this seems an area where it's acceptable to express guilt or envy in a particularly snide fashion.

OP your negative attitude towards the local school comes through in your post. This may (in your opinion) be justified, but it could also come across as condescending, and rather snobby.

I wonder if (possibly unintentionally) this attitude is coming across when you discuss the two schools?

I think discussing which high schillings you are picking and why is actually normal conversation if you have kids in this age group, though it can turn unexpectedly confrontational if someone expresses such superior attitudes towards the school another person has chosen.

Schillings???? Bloody autocorrect. When do I even use that word? Should say school