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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wibu? Child safety in busy shopping centres.

49 replies

nothingisnothing · 04/09/2016 08:10

Out shopping in busy large(ish) town centre with Dp and soon to be 4yr old.
Lay out is large middle bit with shop lined streets coming off. All pedestrianised, all busy.
On occasions I'm walking ahead and I stop for them to catch up to see that Dp has Lo trailing a good few feet behind him.
I don't feel safe with this. My fear is someone snatching Lo. I know it's unlikely, but the slim chance is there.
So I ask Dp not to do this. To either hold his hand or have Lo walking ahead/ in eyesight.
Dps reaction is to get enraged. Massive argument in the car ensues.
Apparently, I'm saying he's incapable of looking after our child.
Massive sulk and scilence for a few hours from him.
In the evening, once Lo is in bed, I ask if we can talk about it.
A huge heated 1 hour discussion happens.
Basically, I've caused him a huge insult. He's aware of where Lo is and I'm trying to control his relationship with Lo.
That I shouldn't put my paranoia on him. It is mine to deal with, not his.

In my mind, I've only asked that he doesn't let little one dawdle behind in busy places. Was I bu or is his reaction?
In the end, we've had to agree to disagree. But I'm still a bit hurt by what he's said.

OP posts:

leccybill · 04/09/2016 08:47

I still hold DD'S hand in busy places like town centres and she's 6.5. Normal, surely?

LunaLoveg00d · 04/09/2016 08:48

I think you are partly hugely unreasonable, partly reasonable.

Children are not going to get snatched while walking a few steps behind a parent. This fear that there are snatchers everywhere, just waiting for a parent's guard to slip in a busy shopping centre is complete paranoia and totally over the top.

It is also not your place to "call him out" on how he parents. Your status as a mother does not trump his as a father. everyone has different parenting styles and you should not be requiring that he does things your way. He is obviously sick of you having a go about everything.

However, it is not unreasonable to expect that a small child walks next to a parent or holds hands in a busy area. They do get distracted and wander off, or stop to look at something and then lose their parents.

SatsukiKusakabe · 04/09/2016 08:51

Yes you're right. I think the issue is complacency - yes, most of the time nothing bad will happen, but it's pretty high stakes, isn't it, and much better to be in good habits with them.

With ds 4 last year, we left a department store and he went through the door before me; I was a second behind him and thought he'd stop on the pavement. But it was raining and he got disoriented, as the road is flush with the pavement there, and he ran straight out towards the road, I only just grabbed him in time. Scared the life out of me.

My dh kind of forgets sometimes how old they are and got very lax with them when out and about, trailing them like ducklings in busy shops, or letting them run ahead in car parks. I have to remind him, and he's taken it sensibly.

Some one I know was walking through a supermarket car park with their preschooler walking behind, looked back to check and saw him being walked off between two people back towards the shop. He had swerved off course and got lost, in seconds. Luckily they were friendly passersby who were steering him back to shop security, but anything could have happened.

Original poster

nothingisnothing · 04/09/2016 09:00

I wasn't always walking ahead - in fact it's pretty much alway Dp that walks ahead leaving me at the back with Lo - but I had to at times because we was were in a bit of a rush against time and Dp didn't know which shops needed to be
visited.
Calling him on something was a figure of speech. Not ment the way you've perceived it whereisthe1ght

The initial "ask" was calm and simply said.

OP posts:

HappyAxolotl · 04/09/2016 09:02

Not a parent but I always have my nephew's hands or have them in front of me. Youngest is a speed demon and Eldest is a Dolly Daydream. And I am inexperienced in the ways of little humans. Taking my eyes off them would be havoc.

microferret · 04/09/2016 09:03

YANBU. It only takes a second for your whole life to fall apart. Your DP is being unnecessarily defensive and overreacting and quite frankly he needs to grow up a bit.

I recently watched a video of failed abduction attempts caught on CCTV. I will not be letting DD out of my sight for even a second since then. Denise Bulger only lost sight of her child for a moment. It's just not worth it - stick to your guns and don't put up with his victim-y nonsense.

BertrandRussell · 04/09/2016 09:07

He is not going to be snatched.

But in a crowded shop it would be very easy for him to get separated from his dad and get lost. Which is horrible.

So yes, child beside you or in front of you always.

Notso · 04/09/2016 09:11

My husband is like this with me all the time and it pisses me off because I am aware of where the children are.
He is the one who forgot he had DS2 with him and left him in a shop!

Ditsy4 · 04/09/2016 09:15

Yes, you should mention it. What is wrong with telling him anyway. This is your child, your precious child. I am sick and tired of seeing kids trailing behind mums or dad on mobile phones or talking to their friends. I have sometimes wondered "where is the parent?" I don't go into town very often but when I do I see at least one. Last time it was a little boy of about 2. DH said," Your watching that kid aren't you? " Yep, I was because no one else was. I was about to go and ask him if he wa lost when " mum" who was about 4m away turned and told him to hurry up. I wondered what would have happened if he wasn't there. She was on her mobile phone completely oblivious to him. I know because she is one of the people I wonder about. I have approached lost children before. I saw twins lost one was sobbing. Mum was with granny ( who was pushing baby) and mum gave me a right mouthful. Since then I leave them but follow to see no harm comes and someone does seem to notice after 5-10 minutes that their child is elsewhere. If they were crying I would go to them but I am wary now.

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 04/09/2016 09:36

Not quite sure how others are so certain he will not be snatched???
He could be or he could get lost or he could be fine - but it's just not worth the risk is it? Having lost my lo in a shopping centre for about 10 mins I know it's not an experience I would want to go thru again

skankingpiglet · 04/09/2016 09:39

YABU for your reasoning (snatching), but not in your request. As others have said, it takes seconds for them to disappear into a crowd.

As for the PP saying to trust him? A ridiculous thing to say. She did when she walked out in front and he showed he needed the risk pointed out to him. How long should she have 'trusted' him for? Did she need to wait until the chid went missing?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 04/09/2016 09:43

put the child in a buggy, or hold hands...it's really not rocket science

the pair of you are allegedly responsible adults but apparently neither of you know how to conduct yourselves in public

skankingpiglet · 04/09/2016 09:46

KimmySchmidt it's not so much that snatching is impossible, no one is saying they are certain it won't happen. It's possible but very improbable unlike losing them in the crowd, which is not only possible but highly probably.

Pettywoman · 04/09/2016 09:49

A buggy at 4?

YANBU OP. My DH gets hugely defensive when I pull him up on things too. It's really annoying as he seems to have no problem criticising me. You'll just have to calmly state your case again and hope it sinks in.

All you people saying she should have just hold ds's hand herself does that mean that she should let him off the hook for everything then. Ooh, save the important man's ego and do all the jobs yourself instead. Ffs!

NicknameUsed · 04/09/2016 10:03

"A buggy at 4?"

There's no need to be so nasty and judgemental. I have a friend who's son was a bolter at 4, and the only safe way she could take him shopping with her in crowded shopping centres or the middle of town was to put him in a buggy. Holding hands is all very well, but when you need both hands to get your purse out or to pick something up you have to let go of the hand.

You clearly had very well behaved and biddable children (or none). Not all children are the same.

leccybill · 04/09/2016 10:10

I would think a wrist strap or backpack with strap would be preferable at 4 than a buggy.

NicknameUsed · 04/09/2016 10:21

I sort of agree. That worked with DD, but not with my friend's son.

LIZS · 04/09/2016 10:21

Are you normally anxious about your dc? You need to realise that such incidents are not everyday and rarely opportunist. Your mistake was to criticise your dp's attitude to the risk. Each assesses risk differently. How often does he take him out shopping alone?

Having said that I don't think ensuring your child is taught to keep safe is a bad thing. It might have been better to approach this as an opportunity to prepare your dc for outings with nursery/school where they would be expected to hold hands, probably paired with another child, or file in crocodile holding a rope with an adult leading and bringing up the rear. Encourage handholding even if it means you slow down or allow him to walk a step ahead within your sight. It is as much your responsibility as your Dp to teach him.

babybythesea · 04/09/2016 10:48

I can see me and my DP in this situation.
It drives me round the bend because I think underlying it is the assumption on his part that if I am there, I am largely responsible for the children. If we go out for the day, he will stop and look at whatever he wants, leaving me chasing round after the kids. Sometimes I will say, can you please watch them because I want to see this, do this.... but ultimately he seems to see it as my job if I'm there.
If I'm not, he's ultra-paranoid about it and I know from friends and family that he barely takes his eyes off them.
But it seems to be that he thinks it's my job if he's not by himself with them. So to the people saying "Why didn't you just do it?" I'd be saying "because I always do, and sometimes it's ok for us to be out altogether and for it not to be my responsibility while he daydreams."
He can step up if I'm not there, but sometimes it would be nice if he could manage it while I'm there as well. Joint parenting and all that.

But maybe you need to approach the risks differently - as in not worrying so much about the child being snatched but explaining how easy it would be for him to wander off. How fast can DC walk a short distance? That's how long you've got before DC wanders into the crowd. And if he doesn't see it, ask outright if that means it is always your job?

I don't really know to be honest, because without hearing the tones and words etc I don't know how unreasonable you were or he was, but it sounds horribly familiar.

RunningLulu · 04/09/2016 11:11

Why would he not hold the 4 year old's hand when you go out? I find that odd in itself. Surely it's instinct?

redexpat · 04/09/2016 11:31

I once shut down dhs outrage by telling him that the safety

redexpat · 04/09/2016 11:32

Oops
That the safety and well being of our child was more important than his ego.

allthecarbs · 04/09/2016 11:37

Yanbu, he needs more awareness about child safety.

My dh can be similar and it drives me potty. We'll go out for a walk and he'll go to cross the road with the 6 year old trailing behind him.

I've stopped going on about it and just take on the responsibility myself as he just doesn't get it.

Omgkitties · 04/09/2016 12:50

YANBU to want your LO to be safe. YABU to expect your husband to be he only one making sure. You walked on ahead of them, so you're leaving LO behind anyway.

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