Controlling your adult children

[Imaginosity]

I drifted apart from DB a few years ago. No major issues - our personalities just clash and we have not much to do with each other.

My mother wants me to make things up with DB. She is obsessed with it and now has my father involved. They are both very angry with me - fuming - because I won't 'obey' them and make things up with DB. My mother drags the issue up in every conversation. Now i find myself avoiding her too as she always tries to bring up DB and pressure me to act the way she wants.

The thing is i probably would have made it up years ago with DB but my mother stuck her self into the middle of it and escalated things hugely. I totally get why they want us to be friends but surely I'm NBU to think a parent needs to step back when their children are in their late 30s and let them deal with things themselves

What does your brother want to happen?

My DSis and I are like chalk and cheese and have at times had a difficult relationship. In a lightbulb moment during a family crisis we both realised our mother's interfering had caused all the problems. We now manage to have a good relationship with each other.

YANBU. I would distance myself from my parents too in your situation.

I'm currently NC with my brother. I've always adored him but he's an addict and stole £1.5K from our parents' house while they were both in hospital. This feels like the final straw for me. Something has clicked / snapped in my head and I'm not sure I'll ever feel the same way about him again.

My Mum knows (she told me) but Dad doesn't. Mum's had it out with brother but they've patched things up now. I haven't said a word to him as I can't think of the words and I'm worried he'll try to make excuses for what he did and that would make it worse.

Anyway, I'm now worried with Christmas approaching. We usually all go to our parents but I don't feel I can do this if he's there. I don't want to put my Mum on the spot by telling her this. I think she'll accept us not going but she'll also make me feel guilty. I know she thinks I should be talking to my brother. She's very much a 'life's too short' person but I'm so tired of sweeping things under the carpet; it's what's been required all my life and has left me feeling that all my natural instincts are wrong and I analyse everything I think and feel to such ridiculous lengths that it makes me feel ill.

Sorry to bring all my crap into it! I guess what I'm trying to say is what I'm trying to say to myself. Trust in how you're feeling and don't go against your feelings to please someone else.

I feel your pain, OP... My mother is (very slowly) dying of emphysema. (It seems to be true about the spiteful ones living for ever....) My brother is 43 and has never worked - she has paid for his very entitled existence and he has never ever been forced to accept the consequences for his very bad behaviour. (Drugs, theft, violence, car accidents, you name it....) I left home at 15 and worked. Happily married with three gorgeous kids, and my mother is pulling out gems like "I can't go to my deathbed until you and your brother are close again...." (We never were) And my favourite "You are doing yourself and your kids a disservice because you will miss out financially from my will if you won't look after your poor brother...." (Great - he can have it all if he leaves us alone). For years I have tried and failed to forge a relationship with this woman who clearly has no interest in me (although my kids are her only grandkids, thank gawd!), while protecting my kids from her nasty side and my brother. (Obviously can't be trusted - he was smoking marijuana and rifling through other people's cars at my fathers funeral.) And still the guilt trips are flying.

Tinklypoo - I'm so sorry to read that. How cruel not attending your wedding.

My mum refused to attend my son's birth. I was only 22, alone and scared yet she refused. She also then allowed me and my son to be banned from the family home by my stepfather.

I was very very hurt and upset. Spending Christmas and birthdays cast out when in fact I hadn't done anything wrong.

Now it is many years later and my stepdad has died and my mum is trying to guilt trip us to visit; talking about how she will die soon, or be in a nursing home with nobody visiting etc.

My son is an adult now with a life of his own, and i am in my early 40s and living abroad.

What I learned was to be my own parent and to create my own home so I don't need a home to go home to.

The definition of a mother is someone who offers comfort shelter and advice and if they don't do that then they are not a mother they're just someone you happen to know.

I am so sorry about what you are going through as I understand how painful it is but once your baby is born he or she will be your family and you can see your mum as a great example of how not to parent.

Lots of love to you xxx

Imagineosity There's a lot of this in my family too. Have you realised that you are implicitly accepting the role they have given you?

Your reaction to Then she started openly sadly pleading that I let DB visit and acting like DB is desparatly sad about the situation. and all the other stuff, indicates that you are still locked into the role they have assigned to you.

I've been there. It is soooo liberating when you recognise it and step out of the role.

"Yes DM, it would be nice to spend more happy time with DB. I am still waiting for him to get in contact with me." Or similar.

Put DB into the role of peacemaker. You take the role of royalty awaiting the serf's approach. Swap it round in your own head and act accordingly.

If you can detach enough and treat it like a weird experiment, it can actually be morbidly funny seeing what mad stuff they say and do to force you back into their mould. You know you are free of their control when their rages and pressure tactics are darkly amusing to you.

RunRabbitRunRabbit - I think you are a genius :) Love that approach.

Yes I feel like my DH and my DCs are my family. DM is just some irritating person I have to put up with from time to time.

It seems like it's wrong to say that about your mother. I don't actually like her. My friend's mother died recently and she was so upset - but I just couldnt imagine having a close relationship with my mother that I'd feel really sad if she died. Maybe I'd feel sad that someone who'd been in my life forever was gone but I wouldn't miss her company. I sometimes wonder would I feel free when she's gone because she won't be sending me angry texts, ringing my phone non-stop, trying to control me, sneering at PILs, droning on and on about people I don't know and boring things at happened to them. I won't feel obligated to visit her.

I can't imagine what sort of relationship I'll have with my own children. Hopefully I won't be interfering and they won't dread me being around.

Similar situation. My 'D'B is a manipulative and money obsessed sod and wants everyone to do as he says and nothing else. He thinks he is above the rest of the family stating that he is intellectually superior to them and therefore has nothing in common. Since my DF died in May he's been horrendous, telling my mum he's an alcoholic, asking for her to compensate him for bereavement leave from his job, basically doing nothing, saying Im incompetent when i sorted out my DF's probate (successfully!) and getting shirty when i referred my DM to my financial advisor...apparently I'm not allowed to give her advice until he'd ok'ed it. He has mental health issues (so he frequently tells us) but refuses to seek treatment and takes a lot of time off work.

DM goers through spells when she realises what he's like and others where she's ringing up telling me how wonderful he is ...'Oh he saw me mowing the lawn and he came and HELPED!!!!, he's a good boy really'. DB sent me a load of abuse via email recently and told me that we are 'not compatible' and is over making an 'effort' with me (LOL!!!) so we won't be in contact. I agreed, I don't trust him and i was fed up of him sending me text messages of random cryptic messages at 3am.

Im not looking forward to christmas which will be the first without my DF. Im not having DB in my house around my kids, smoking, refusing to eat or join in and sneering at me and my DM will make it all my fault. she's welcome to him.

RunRabbit- Indeed, you are a genius! I am going to use your approach.

Definitely not a genius. Just an old gimmer with a bonkers family, I have somehow survived, sort of.

That's sad Judy, I hope you have a happy and peaceful Christmas with your DC.

How are you going, OP? I have a mother with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The alcohol in the evening also makes her resentful and nasty. My 43yo db has been totally broken by her because he has never had to face the consequences of his (frequently terrible) behaviour... He has a Schizophreniforn Personality Disorder and is therefore not safe for my kids to be around. Somehow it's all my fault because I am nasty, heartless and grudge-holding because I won't "look after" him lovingly and adoringly. Situations from the past - like where my parents refused to let him come to my wedding because he drove while affected by drugs and alcohol and crashed his car into a parked car and pushed it into a pole - have been twisted into me nastily banning him from my wedding because I'm a jealous, spiteful little girl. My solution was to move to the Netherlands (Mum's in Australia) and our relationship is completely managed via Skype and controlled by me.... If she's ranting, the Skype connection drops out. Very convenient!

I'm NC with my sister, haven't seen her for 10 years. My parents know the reasons for this. My mum, who lived through it with us as a single mum doesn't press the issue. My dad who didn't live with us at the time, sometimes makes it clear he thinks I'm a bitch. And makes references to healing family rifts with him and his own brother and parents.

If you want to have a relationship with DB then do it for yourself. But if you're happy with the way things are then that's fine.

Your mum sounds quite toxic