Aibu - to think that dh missing his appointment is not my fault?!

[makingacupoftea]

My dh had an appointment for an mri I wrote it on the calendar and reminded him the day before . He forgot to leave work and missed it. He has been blaming me because I didn't call to remind him. I just don't see how this is my fault - I was busy and I assumed he would leave!

Aibu am I ?

Tell him:
He's a grown man and should be able to organise himself.
If he doesn't re-book, you never want to hear another word about his hip.

He's bloody lucky to have been offered the MRI.

I don't know why I wrote it on the calendar tbh - I write everything on the calendar. We have 6 children I Organize things and sh just sort of bobs along with it. I don't think he has always been like this it's just sort of slowly happened over the years I think!

I have no idea what wrong with his hip it's his ribs and back as well. He had an X-ray which showed shadows in his bones or something .

Any chance he might be scared? Doesn't make it right to use you as a scapegoat rather than deal with the issue, of course.

Let me take a wild guess - does this pain in his hip stop him doing his share of the housework or parenting for his 6 children ?

YANBU.

I'm the organiser in our house too. If DH has an appointment I tend to put it in the diary, remind him the week/day before etc. I'll remind him the morning of the appointment too. That's more than enough.

If your DH still forgot to leave work, that's not your fault. That's just ridiculous.

making I think this is probably the perfect example to make to put him back in touch with his own responsibilities. I would take a no-nonsense approach to this where you clearly spell out (don't hold back on the exasperation) that you are not his Mummy and he should be grateful you wrote it on the calendar and mentioned it at all. Say you won't bother doing that again if this is the aggravation it gets you.

Ask him when was the last time HE wrote one of your appointments on the the calendar AND reminded you of it the day before and on the day itself? (don't wait for him to answer). Don't get drawn into a discussion about it all because I bet you he'll still try to find a chink in the argument and you will then weaken your own in explaining and discussing. Say "I don't need to talk about it any further". This is NOT one of those times when a back and forwards discussion is useful (unless of course he says he realises how unreasonable he's been. In which case say "Yes you have. Good that you know it"). Don't be tempted to match his admittance with an acceptance that maybe you could have phoned him but you forgot or whatever.

He may well be worried but if that's the case, he needs to learn a healthier way to express it to you.

Have you considered he knew perfectly well he was missing the appointment and then is fooling himself by blaming you? (sorry if this has already been said). Even so. It's not on to have a go at you, that won't help him in any way.

I'm starting to feel a bit more sympathetic if thats what his scan is for. Fear often makes people lash out in ridiculous ways. Although you doing the reminding suggests that his not taking responsibility is not specific to this.

what a twat.

some of us have had to wait fucking MONTHs for an MRI scan, and idiots like him just don't bother turning up?

Eh? How on earth is him forgetting to leave work early in any way your fault?!
You wrote it on the calendar, he knew he had an appointment, he forgot about it. Not your fault.
Assuming he's not 5 years old, and is an actual competent grown up, YADNBU!

What a twit. When he reminds you how much pain he's in you can say "what a shame you weren't in enough pain to remember to go to your appointment", or even "can't be that bad if you won't make another appt to get it investigated".

neonrainbow because that's the whole fucking point of MN. More to the point why did you post.

YANBU he is and he should be responsible for his own appointments.

Anyone with a smartphone - and I imagine that's most people - will have a decent calendar in their pocket all the time. Why don't they use it?

i dont know how he can forget, i've been in pain for over a year now and the date and time of mine is etched in my brain and i will be there come hell or high water.

He missed and appointment and wont rebook it, despite being in pain?

I smell "I think its bad news and if I ignore it then it will go away"

He is blaming you because the only other option is to admit that he is absolutely scared shitless.

Yanbu.

What an arse.

Get him to rebook and drag him there. I bet he's scared...

YANBU he is a grown man and should be capable of organising himself so that he gets to appointments at the correct time.

Having said that, I am the organiser at our house. My husband is terribly disorganised and I i didn't organise things then nothing (literally!) would get done.

He wouldn't remember that DS might need things for nursery, nappies, needs to visit the dentist etc.

If we are both working late (unusual as we are teachers but occasionally, parents evenings clash), he doesn't think about who will collect ds and take care of him.

It's really frustrating that he just doesn't seem to be able to organise things!

Your husband only has himself to blame.

'Shadows on his bones or something ' . ?
Has he talked to you about the x-ray and gone through what they said ?
Are you worried about him?
How does he deal with fear?
Of course YANBU, but I think this is about fear, not forgetting.
Did he want making a fuss if, maybe for you to go with him?
If it really is fear I would probably re-book the appointment, collect him from work and escort him there .

YANBU Unless it's a brain scan, he CAN'T miss that.

Parking he just told me that the doctor said the xray showed shadows and they didn't know what it was so he got sent for an mri a couple of weeks later. He didn't seem that worried tbh his brother has a bad hip and tbh I assumed it was a similar thing. I could rebook it but I would seriously doubt he would go until he has decided to himself (if that makes sense)

People often have to wait months for an MRI. If he got an appointment just two weeks later, then it may be more serious. He needs to rebook and attend. He's wrong to blame you, but he may realise that it's possibly more serious and this is how he's reacted.

Don't, however, do any of the rebooking, etc for him. He does need to take responsibility for his own stuff.

I only have two DCs. DD is 16 and is now managing more of her own stuff, including writing on the calendar. I still sort DS, but DP will sort the DCs too and also write their stuff down if he's been the one to book, eg dentist. DP also sorts all his own appointments out. I might wish him good luck, but I don't need to remind him.

If his MRI is 2 weeks after his X-ray then his X-ray has been fast-tracked through reporting.
An MRI with only 2 weeks wait is a sign they want to see pretty urgently what is going on.
He has a bad hip but they also X-rayed his ribs and spine. They will have only done that if there was an indication that what they are looking for isn't some localised trauma to his hip.
I can see why you are frustrated by him being a massive twat but if he was my DH I would be rebooking that appointment and taking him to it myself. I would hope that by doing that I was being an over anxious drama queen and I would feel a bit daft afterwards that I'd made a fuss over nothing but I wouldn't want to turn this into a lesson in responsibility. There's a time and a place and this isn't it.

Good post, midcentury.