That this really upsets me, how can I change it??

[Tryingtostayyoung]

This is really hard for me to talk about; I have genuinely never told a soul because I find it very very upsetting but I'm just so done with it I don't know what to do.

DH was brought up in a very dysfunctional horrible home (dad), him and all his siblings bare emotional scares from it but all very different ones, some of these scares make them more sensitive, some make them numb to some things and some have given them a warped way of using language in a productive way.

My DH is honestly lovely, he does everything for me, looks after me, supports me BUT when we argue about ANYTHING small or big he feels the need to call me names. These can be relevant to the situation or not, they can be relatable to me and sometimes entirely not but something he may know would upset me to be called. It doesn't happen all the time and tbh a lot less now than he used to as he does recognise that it is wrong BUT views it the same as say shouting or swearing in an argument, it's something that you shouldn't do, it's not helpful but sometimes you may just get angry and in the heat of the moment do it. I am completely different, yes I may sometimes shout or maybe (rarely) swear at him BUT I would never ever call him names as I think it is viscous. I was never brought up like that and I find it so hurtful.

Today we've had a small stupid argument because it was raining and he spotted a small leak, he was resolving it so I didn't see that i needed to rush and get up to help. I could see him huffing so asked what was wrong he proceeded to tell me that I should have jumped up to help, I told him that i thought he had it under control, then because of his tone I decided that no I was not going to jump up and help. He became more frustrated and proceeded to call me lazy and a slob continuously (I am neither these things) I said that he was a bully and he said good.

I'm not talking to him now at all, later on he will tell me that he is sorry and he lost his temper but I can't take it anymore. I don't understand his need to do this, he witnessed his dad do this to all of them why is he repeating it? He hates his dad, everything he is and refused to even speak about him. How can I really make him understand that this isn't normal behaviour? Wwyd??

If you did something that really upset your DH and he told you it genuinely upset him, what would your response be? Would it be that it was 'no big deal'? I doubt it.

The name calling is a problem. But it's not your main problem at all. Everybody has tough things they have to deal with, and sometimes it makes us behave in negative ways. It's great if our loved ones can be sensitive to that and try to help. You are being very kind and loving by acknowledging why this happens.

He, on the other hand, is hearing your genuine distress and shrugging his shoulders. He just expects you to put up with it.

So, you have two choices. Put up with it, and wait for your DD to be next.

Or leave.

You won't leave, so it's likely your DD will be on here or a forum like it in years to come wondering why her mother wouldn't do something about her horrible father who didn't really care about their feelings.

poppledopple I see what your saying. It's so bloody hard because it does hurt me so so much when he does it but I know he doesn't mean it like that. I just don't know how to make him get it.

I think tomorrow we will talk about him talking to someone again.

You are totally kidding yourself if you think he doesn't understand why it upsets you so much. Of course he understands, that's why he doesn't do it (yet) in front of your DD! He cares enough about his DD not to subject her to it, but he doesn't quite care enough about you. He gets something out of expressing his anger on you and that benefit to him is enough to outweigh your distress.

TheSparrowhawk I think that was very very unfair to say. My DH has never ever spoken like that to my DD, he wouldn't, if he did I would leave so fast you'd feel my wind. That is a totally different thing.

But the thing is, it doesn't matter if he doesn't understand why it upsets you. There are lots of things that upset my DH that wouldn't upset me at all and I don't understand why he's so touchy about them - but I don't do them because upsetting someone I love isn't something I want to do.

I don't think this is immediate or even long term LTB stuff necessarily but you probably do need to be a lot more clear/forceful about how much it upsets you and how much it's not on - because it's not.

So your DD doesn't deserve that treatment, but you do?

It might help clarify to ask yourself the question - why would it matter more to you if he said these things to your DD than it does when he says them to you?

I think you should get really upset about this. Really angry and maybe go away for a night. I think you need to show him exactly how much is is upsetting you. It´s great that you are understanding about his difficult background, but it sounds like in your desire to be understanding, you are minimizing your own feelings. You aren´t his counsellor. It sounds like he maybe would benefit from one, but that person should not be the person he is married to. From what you are writing here, it sounds like this happens, you don´t say anything at the time, you have a chat about his childhood it later, and then you do nothing more. There isn´t really a consequence of this apart from that he gets to have a chat about how hard his childhood was. That doesn´t give him any motivation to change at all, does it? It sounds like he doesn´t get how it upsets you because you are hiding it because you want to be understanding. If he really is a good guy, let him see how upset you are. Don´t just tell him in a calm and understanding manner afterwards, actually let him see the raw, hurt emotion. If he still doesn´t care enough to stop doing it, then maybe you need to rethink how great a guy he really is...

I think reading something about Transactional Analysis might be helpful for both of you.
Basically, in a nutshell, we all have an internal parent, adult and child. If we were parented positively as a child, our internal parent will be competent, caring, etc. As an adult we can choose to live like our internal parent, or choose to live differently.
When people are stressed they tend to rely on their 'internal parenting' and the default position is to become like your own parent - if that makes sense. If your own parent was good or good enough, that's not usually a problem but if your own parent/s were not good enough that's when your behaviour can become a problem.
Hope you're still with me, the times we say things our parents said that we swore we would never say, or do something (smacking children) that we said we never would is often when we're stressed and out pops our 'not good internal parent'.

So, when not stressed we know certain things shouldn't be said or done but when stressed this is hard to achieve. Counselling may well help but so too would reading some TA books.
It is perfectly possible to understand why you do/say certain things and change that habit, but it might not be easy!

MrsDeVere It's really good to hear that something positive can happen at the end. He has gotten a lot better but I do think maybe the next step is some counselling.

sonjadog We don't actually talk about his childhood afterwards that was just me explaining in my post why he does it, as I said in a pp he doesn't actually talk about it, it's to hard but it's very obvious.

mygrandchildrenrock That made perfect sense to me, thank you I'll look into it.

I couldn't tell him he was like his father because it would devastate him to the point where I think he wouldn't get over it.

Is all this name calling not devastating you?

"Games people play" by Eric Berne and "I'm okay, You're okay" by Thomas Harris might help. Your local library should have them.

I expect he does manage not to call his friends and colleagues names, but this could easily be simply because he's not as emotionally invested as he is with you.

I would ask him to go to counselling as a matter of urgency in order to sort out his awful communication 'skills'. Tell him you expect to see movement on this asap. If you are prepared to send him to stay somewhere else for a few weeks while you think about what you want and where your line is etc, then do that too.

In answer to your op, you cannot change it, he has to! He has to go for counselling and I would be telling him that he needs to or he will turn into his dad. I think he needs that shock tbf. He can control himself, he does not do this in front of his dd, or to others. As somebody has said, he should want to go for help, if he loves and cares about you and dd.

Tryingtostayyoung, I feel for you. Can't say what will help as everyone is different but, it doesn't sound like leaving would at all. My DH has deep rooted attachment issues from a bad childhood and in the begnning would lash out in many ways and I had no idea why, he seemed not to either. Once he realised it was a bout of depression it was like a light went on and most things changed overnight. He still has some issues and his childhood upsets him deeply, but people CAN change and for me, it has been worth it to stick it out though at times it was very soul destroying. I had to learn how to deal with it much like (for want of a better phrase) unwanted behaviour from a child. Don't be a doormat, DO tell him when things aren't acceptable but don't go to his level as it will reinforce that behaviour being ok.

As for ultimatums, they don't, I don't think personally, work for people with a bad history as it's too deep a thing for ultimatums to work on, it's not a choice as such in that sense.