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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be feeling bad about this?

18 replies

Guiltriddengirl · 02/09/2016 20:53

There's a small gathering of close family taking place this weekend. I should go for the sake of DS who would really enjoy seeing everyone as there aren't many opportunities. I would also really like to see certain people but am not sure at this point that I can even be civil to one person who will be there and that could ruin it for everyone (and I will end up looking like a stroppy cow even though I have been really upset and offended). It is unlikely I will be able to see most of these people at any point without this person being present. AIBU to stay at home?

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I have been forced to just grin and bear it in the past but I'm not in a great place at the moment and don't know if I can this time.

But I feel really, really bad if DS misses out. We already missed one gathering because it was too far to travel and he felt very left out.

OP posts:
Blueshoessingloose · 02/09/2016 20:57

What did this person do which makes it impossible for you to be civil? What is their relationship to you?

Msqueen33 · 02/09/2016 20:58

I'd go for my DC but I'd avoid said person and stay out of their way. Not easy or pleasant.

Pumpkin2010 · 02/09/2016 21:00

Could you not just let DS go for a while without you?

Shockers · 02/09/2016 21:02

I had (and still have) a similar scenario. I asked DH to take the children because I had an (hastily booked) other commitment.

I don't want to stop the children and DH seeing extended family, but I cannot ignore the twattishness of one family member without responding... so I now choose to avoid.

Danglyweed · 02/09/2016 21:04

Go. Enjoy seeing the people you want to, with a big smile and without a second thought to the wrong un

Original poster
Guiltriddengirl · 02/09/2016 21:05

This is very outing but I've NC anyway.

Person is SM who has caused upset in the past but persisted with something recently which showed no respect for or understanding of my feelings over something very close to home. She has always been judgmental and belittling.

By 'small' I mean less than a dozen people so difficult to keep out of the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guiltriddengirl · 02/09/2016 21:06

I am single, DS is small, and it's a long way away.

OP posts:
KnockMeDown · 02/09/2016 21:07

I think it depends on age of your DS and also what this person has done. We need more info.

littlemissneela · 02/09/2016 21:08

Are there enough people there that you can avoid said person?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 02/09/2016 21:10

If they are more your family than hers then no way let her past behaviour keep you from going! Get your glad rags on and get going!!

Shockers · 02/09/2016 21:16

Ah... that's a little different. Could you be there without interacting with her?

Original poster
Guiltriddengirl · 02/09/2016 21:20

Shockers, no I can't!

If I don't go they will think it's because of the distance. The politics of it are very complicated and have been rumbling on for 30 years.

OP posts:
Serialweightwatcher · 02/09/2016 21:35

Sounds very awkward but I think you should go for DS sake - be the bigger person and know that you did it as a lovely mum and sod her

Uricon · 02/09/2016 21:41

Gut feeling is don't go, especially if DS is small enough to not know/care either way.

Why put yourself out to travel to a ruck that is going to upset you and possibly make you the bad guy, whatever you do? (unless you are a Lannister, of course)

Beeziekn33ze · 02/09/2016 21:47

Does DH know how strongly you feel? Will he be able to stay near you to keep you strong and calm if DM winds you up? I've got a similar situation coming up at a family funeral, luckily both my adult DC understand are able to be there with me. Plus, of course, we all want to say goodbye to a much loved family member and be there for her immediate family.

Chickoletta · 02/09/2016 21:47

I've been in a similar situation this week actually.

I come from a very tight knit family and grew up surrounded by aunts, uncles, cousins etc. For various complex reasons which I won't go into, my uncle has badly upset my DM, DH and me by accusing us of being dishonest and not having our extended family's best interests at heart. He is my aunt's husband rather than a blood relative and has always had different values from my blood family.

Anyway, we have been quietly avoiding him for a few months and it has been ok, although we are all still bloody mad! This week his son (my cousin, to whom I'm very close) and grandchildren were down staying and we made vague plans to meet up. In the event, cousin, who doesn't know anything about the tension ended up bringing uncle and aunt to our house. My first instinct was not to let him over the doorstep but I did, spent the day with them and f let very please with myself for taking the moral high ground.

I guess what I'm saying is that there's little to be gained from spreading tension to the rest of the family unnecessarily. It's hard but you will be ab,e to bite your tongue if you try hard enough.

My uncle is still in no doubt about my feelings for him but there was nothing to gain from creating a scene and I actually felt quite proud of myself!

As Shakespeare put it, 'The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief'.

AGenie · 02/09/2016 22:00

I know just what you mean, and it is difficult. I've not really worked out how to solve these problems tbh.

Original poster
Guiltriddengirl · 03/09/2016 10:53

Thanks for the responses. I decided to go but am regretting it already and we haven't even arrived!

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