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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to call DD's bluff over food battles and let her starve?? (A bit)

99 replies

MomOfMoo · 02/09/2016 17:00

So DD's latest 'thing' is hunger strike. She's 4 and she's been playing this game for a couple of weeks and it's EVERY time I ask anything of her.

"If you make me do that/tidy up/go there/get dressed, then I'm not going to eat my breakfast/lunch/dinner."

Today, I called her bluff and told her to carry on and starve. I ate normally and didn't even offer her anything. She made it all the way to 3:00pm having had only a handful of strawberries and a glass of milk for breakfast before she caught a whiff of my delicious sausage sandwich and caved. She polished off my sandwich, then one of her own, and then helped herself to yoghurt and fruit out of the fridge.

Told DH what I'd done (maybe feeling a little bit proud of my small achievement) and he was horrified that I'd let her go all that time without food. I like to think she's learned a lesson.

Am I monster?? Does anybody else's delightful 4yo have any of these sassy little quirks? Tell me I'm not alone!

OP posts:
diddl · 02/09/2016 17:29

I'm not quite getting it either?

I'm thinking that she missed a meal (lunch?) & then ate at the next opportunity after that.

So she did what she said she would?

LightDrizzle · 02/09/2016 17:33

This was pretty much the advice of a Madrid child psychologist consulted by the medical consultant parents of a four year old refuser my eldest was au-pair for. Meals could go on for hours. The advice was something like to offer, then remove without fuss after 5 minutes if he hadn't started to eat, and wait for the next meal. If he complained of hunger before that meal, to offer a small piece of fruit and a drink only.

The problem was, while my daughter was prepared to follow this and thought it would probably have worked if applied consistently, if the father was around, depending on shifts, he couldn't hack it and would do the "Just a mouthful and then you can have ice-cream" thing.

I think you are on the right lines. Food should be food, neither reward nor punishment, and definitely not a lever. Your daughter needs to get past this while she is little.

OlennasWimple · 02/09/2016 17:38

Interesting, Madrid. Will be applying that when DD starts with her fussiness next time...

SanityClause · 02/09/2016 17:41

As others have suggested, I would have made lunch, and let her eat it, or not, as she chose.

Why were you eating a sausage sandwich at 3 o'clock, if you'd already had lunch? Confused

RiverTam · 02/09/2016 17:46

Surely this isn't really about the food at all, but about engaging her cooperation with regard to stuff that needs to happen? If it's been going on for two weeks that really needs to be addressed.

Without knowing the context in which this is being said it's hard to really know what's going on.

Original poster
MomOfMoo · 02/09/2016 17:47

I have no idea where it has come from but I imagine it's stuck because she knows it bothers me. While I'm faffing about trying to get her to eat, I'm not nagging her to tidy her toys etc.

It works better than "I won't be your best friend any more."

And yes, she did tidy her toys and get herself dressed today Grin

OP posts:
drinkingtea · 02/09/2016 17:50

I think a few people are replying to the title without having read the post Confused

This is nothing to do with "picky eating" whatsoever, is it?

This is a child who, at 4 years old, chose to threaten not to eat as a way to try to get out of a non food related chore.

My question is what on earth is the background to your shared meal times that has made this something that would evrn occur to her, at 4??

Using food intake to control the people around you and to make ypurself feel in control of unconnected areas of your life is 99 shades of messed up and not remotely normal in a 4 year old!

BarbarianMum · 02/09/2016 17:51

In future I'd suggest you make the lunch, then it's that or nothing til the next meal. No way would I be handing over sausage sandwiches.

Silvercatowner · 02/09/2016 17:54

Using food as a bargaining tool as your daughter is rather expertly doing is a slippery slope to an eating disorder later on.

diddl · 02/09/2016 17:55

I don't understand the sausage sandwich!

Do you often have such snacks at three?

If so, surely missing lunch isn't a big deal?

dylsmimi · 02/09/2016 17:57

I would be wary in turning food into a battleground especially as the request from you was not food related. I would have put out lunch and not mentioned she had said she wouldn't eat it. Can there be another consequence of not getting dressed / not doing as she is told?
I am firm on messing about so when ds who is 3 threw his cereal straight on the floor he didn't get a replacement but got his lunch without anything being said.

Original poster
MomOfMoo · 02/09/2016 17:58

Maybe because she sees sitting down and eating a meal as a "chore" as in it's ANOTHER task I'm giving her to do. It's not about the food intake, it's about the leverage.

She's 4 years old for christ's sake - she's not a psychological mastermind.

OP posts:
CakeWouldBeNice · 02/09/2016 18:01

You're not a monster.

I've dealt with these kinds of issues with a professional hat on. We would have advised that you made her lunch at lunch time and put it in front of her for 5 minutes with a warning that if she hadn't started to eat it ion that time it would be taken away, but with no further fuss or encouragement to eat. If she didn't eat it then take it away but if she later complains she is hungry to respond with a "oh that's a shame. It's because you didn't eat your lunch. Tea will be at 5pm (or whenever)" and then not give her anything else until tea time. Going hungry for a short time will not hurt her every once in a while - and it is through her own choice.

RiverTam · 02/09/2016 18:01

Then you need to work out new ways to engage her cooperation, be it with tidying her room or sitting down to eat. DD isn't keen on either of these, but they are absolutely not connected, nor should they be.

CrazyNameCrazyGuy · 02/09/2016 18:02

drinkingtea

I think we often let children know from a young age how important them eating their meal is to us as parents. It wouldn't be hard for an intelligent 4 year old to have worked out that was a good lever and one she could use to 'control' the OP.

I don't think it's any big deal that she went an extra 3 hours without food because of the missing lunch. If she does it again, however, I'd give her a small snack and make her wait until tea-time for a proper meal.

Sniv · 02/09/2016 18:05

No advice on the parenting angle but surprised at the number of people quivering with bafflement at the idea of a sausage sandwich between lunch and the evening meal.

Surely it's not that out there? I'd crumple without an afternoon snack.

drinkingtea · 02/09/2016 18:08

No she's not a psychological mastermind - she's an anorexic in the making.

What you are describing is not normal but I have seen it happen in a sibling who absolutely innocently stumbled on the fact she could control mummy by not eating.

You need to put the food on the table and make her sit with you until you are finished then remove plates - full,empty, or picked at - with no comment. At every meal. You need to make more effort than most to have no reaction to whether she eats because she already thinks (innocently and without any particular dwelling or analysis of why) that refusing food will bother you and threatening to refuse food is worth trying to get you to let her be the one in control.

It is not a funny little meaningless battle you've "won" its a sign of how she already sees eating Hmm

JudyCoolibar · 02/09/2016 18:12

I'm not quite getting it either?
I'm thinking that she missed a meal (lunch?) & then ate at the next opportunity after that.
So she did what she said she would?

I'm not getting why people aren't getting it. As I understand it, the scenario was roughly along these lines:

OP: You have to get dressed now.
DD: Shan't. If you make me, I won't eat lunch.
OP: No, you are going to get dressed.
DD: OK, I'm getting dressed because you made me, but I'm not going to eat lunch.

Come lunchtime, DD is still saying she won't eat lunch to punish OP, so OP doesn't make it for her. A couple of hours later, DD caves in and does eat lunch.

Net result: DD has learnt that making that threat doesn't get her out of whatever it is that she doesn't want to do, and actually it doesn't work because the only person it hurts is her and she can't carry it through anyway. So she probably doesn't try it again. That seems to me to be a win for OP. Yes, DD might try something else next time she doesn't want to get dressed, but that's tomorrow's fight.

JudyCoolibar · 02/09/2016 18:13

I have to admit, I don't see how a child who tries out the threat not to eat but then does eat when she realises it's not working, is a developing anorexic. I'd be far more worried if she actually carried the threat through.

LuluJakey1 · 02/09/2016 18:14

I would have done the same as you OP. You can't be held to ransom by a 4 year old.

My 20month old DS, who usually eats anything put infront of him, has started having food fads- only wants melon or strawberries and a hard boiled egg. I just let him get on with it. Within a couple of days he is bored and eating normally.

We have also had the refusal to eat and we just take the food away. When he says he is hungry it comes out of the fridge and he then eats it. if he wanted it all the time.

RebelRogue · 02/09/2016 18:14

I see it the same as Judy so op... YANBU

Original poster
MomOfMoo · 02/09/2016 18:14

The concern over the timings of my sausage sandwich are hilarious!

I had porridge at 6:30am, and a chicken salad at around 11:30pm. I felt peckish at 3 (and slightly guilty that DD hadn't eaten either) so had a sandwich. I didn't realise eating when you're hungry is a crime?

Unless you're 4 and trying to get out of tidying up the SHopkins you've left all over the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
MomOfMoo · 02/09/2016 18:16

Anorexic in the making! HA!

Get a grip woman.

OP posts:
Ameliablue · 02/09/2016 18:18

Absolutely not unreasonable, you didn't withhold food, it was her decision not to eat.

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 02/09/2016 18:19

Sorry I don't understand why the OP sees it as a victory for herself. Her daughter threatened not to eat, didn't eat and then when she was actually hungry the OP caved and gave her food. That's a win for the DD.

Sorry I would have put something out for lunch for her and if she didn't eat it then the next time she would have been offered food would have been tea time.

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