To feel disappointed in my family at this particularly difficult time

[Loumar82]

Don't get me wrong I know that families aren't easy and I relate that very few families are like the ones you see in the movies. Getting on 24/7, no fall outs, bending I've backwards to help each other etc. But still, I can't help feel disappointed as upset, mainly with my parents, brother and two sisters. I'll stop rambling and explain.

So I'm married, we have three children, two daughters and one son. My ds who's almost 7 was diagnosed with high functioning autism, sensory processing disorder and dyspraxia just over a month ago. I can't tell you how much of a relief it was to get the diagnosis after battling for 4 years to be heard. Don't get me wrong nothing has changed at home, we still have the challenging behaviour daily and we are are all struggling to cope.

Our ds is absolutely beautiful and can be the most loving happy boy but he's also very aggressive, impulsive, hyper etc and whilst he's better than some kids who have his condition, in that I can nip to the loo in peace and get on with a bit of housework here and there, he still needs to be watched almost all of the time. He will sit and watch a bit of TV or play on his iPad but it's not usually for long.

So the day we received his diagnosis I let my parents know who were relieved and showed it in their own way I suppose (they're not big on showing emotions) as well as my two sisters who basically just said oh that's great it must be a relief and they hadn't mentioned it since. My brother, well he's a man so I didn't really expect much from him but to be fair he gave me a hug and came round with a bottle of wine when ds was asleep and we had a good chat.

But recently I've realised that my mum dad and both my sisters just don't give a damn, and if they do well they don't show it. My parents know how much me and my dh are struggling yet they never offer to help out. It was my birthday recently (a big one) and I "celebrated it" by being slapped in the face by my son, having my birthday cake thrown on the floor (that my daughters had made) and in general being screamed at. They knew me and my dh were desperate to go out for a meal just to get some alone time, as the last time we went out together alone was four years ago. But they didn't offer to babysit, not even for an hour or so. But to be fair them not babysitting isn't the main issue as I'm used to it really but the fact that they don't acknowledge that me and my dh are struggling and that I myself am feeling extremely down lately, well it's a horrible feeling. They expect me to paint this huge smile on my face every time I see them when deep down I'm sinking. They expect favours down for them and other family members at the drop of a hat and I think they just assume I can do it because all my kids are at school (I'm a sahm).

My sisters, well one practically reduced to acknowledge my ds's diagnosis and I'm convinced she believes he is just a naughty spoiled child. My other sister, who I'm usually closer to lives in her own little world at the minute. She is a drama queen and makes problems were there aren't any and will then moan that her life is exhausting and that she struggles with her kids. Now whilst I acknowledge everyone needs to vent (especially us parents) she is very selfish and on the odd time I've needed her support and just a shoulder to cry on I've gone to her house and sat there just to be told how hard her life is and she completely refuses to acknowledge how much I'm genuinely struggling. I know this sounds ridiculous but it's like everything is a competition for her and she likes to play top trumps ie who has it worse, it's rather ridiculous to be honest.

The thing is they will all come visit us and see our three kids but they are always short visits and me and dh feel like they are doing it out of duty rather rhan they actually want to be here.

I just lol at my parents and my sisters and they are all the same. Too engrossed in their own lives to see what is going on around them and to see that me and my dh are on the verge of a breakdown. I don't moan excessively to them as there's no point in it as nothing will change ge but Aibu to just expect some support?

Of course they're focused on how disappointing my family are, buts that because they have disappointed me! I'm accepting of my ds's condition and I've no idea there as he is who he is and despite his condition he's an amazing child, but I can't help feeling upset that my so called family won't help me when I need them. I couldn't treat my own kids like this. If they grow up to have children then they will get my help whenever they need it, within reason.

I understand. I have a NT DS1 and a DS2 with ASD and other developmental delays. It is very very hard, unpredictable, exhausting and emotional. My DH works very long hours too. I have stopped trying to understand my ILs, who have never once asked how we are, or how we are coping, or how they can help. They sort of pretend that our little family ( me and DH and the DSs) are the same as their other children's families, and we are not. It is hard for us, me especially. But they don't acknowledge this, and the social events that we are expected to attend are a huge challenge for us. We need support and help and understanding. Not lip service.

That's my rant over.

I really do get it. Much love to you and your family.

You say your dad is offering you money. Can't you get a sen trained babysitter with that kind of money? Maybe that's his way of providing the birthday outing without actually having to baby sit.
Is your son ever violent to the rest of your family/their kids?

Stop running round after them when they pop by. In fact, tell them you don't like it when they do this.

But you'll need to let go of this meals out, posh hotel out, even for birthdays, unless you're able to find someone else to sit for you. Perhaps from a support group you attend, because your family just isn't going to do it.

I realise it sucks, we have no one to sit for ours, either, and cannot afford to hire a sitter, but that's just how it is.

So sorry OP at this, and all other posters too.

Same here.

and Ive had D & V the past 2 days and srill had to get on with things as my so called family cant be arsed.

poor DC never sees her grandparents/aunties/uncles/cousins.

its like shes got the plague in their eyes.

ASD/Touretts/OCD/ODD.

He's never been violent towards any of my family only to me dh my two ds's and he's had issues at school. I wouldn't feel comfortable taking my dads money and whilst I said we don't need it, we aren't well off. We live to our means and manage each month and afford treats and days out etc but one to one care costs a fortune round here and we couldn't stretch to it.

I can't see why you won't take money when it's been offered to get 1-1 care that might give you a break.

I don't get why you won't take money that's been offered to get the break you desperately need.

I won't take the money because I feel like my dad is doing it out of guilt and I'm not comfortable with that.

I'm not sure what you want from this post OP? Was it just to vent or are you listening to the suggestions? Either way is fine but I'm not sure if you want actual practical help?

I don't blame you for being frustrated but you have more important things to focus on that the stuff your family doesn't do. If they haven't started to pitch in by now, they're not going to.

Look at what they can offer and use it to make your life easier. If your dad offers money, take it and arrange care for DC.

If they're not willing to look after all 3 DC, can ds stay with your parents and Dds stay with your sister? You need to specifically ask this.

When they come over, why aren't you telling them it's inconvenient? Why haven't you sat and explained that them turning up unannounced is stressful to ds so they need to ask when they can come or they won't be able to come in?

This is your family. DC and DH. They are watching you run around keeping everyone happy but you're frustrated. Take control here, put your foot down. They don't help you now so you're not going to lose out.

Also, where is your brother in all of this? You dismissed him as someone you didn't expect much from but he was the most supportive person (from your post) and yet you haven't mentioned him since? Could he help? Is he waiting to be called in but actually, you're not leaning on him as you're assuming he isn't interested?

Well then, you can really kiss goodbye meals out and the like because the only way that's going to happen is if you pay for childcare and take the money that's been offered. Stop being such a martyr, it's really not benefiting you or the family to do so.

I'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed with problems. My family helped as much as they could when we had problems in the past (DH had terminal illness) but my ILs were terrible - they are rather self-obsessed but mostly pretended that nothing was amiss as they like to pretend that problems don't exist and couldn't cope.

Is there an organisation that specialises in autism which could help? They can be worth their weight in gold not just for practical problems but someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. We always preferred to be independent but at times like these help is needed.

I'm not being a martyr. Have you even thought for a second that my ds won't be left with complete strangers? It's not allabout the money. We could save up for an odd night out but our boy has meltdowns at being left at school, were he goes almost every day so can you imagine how he'd be if we left him with a stranger. My point is he wouldn't mind being left with family but they just don't want to help.

Yes, I've thought of that. My son has ASD. Your point is your family don't want to help. Well, that's that. Nothing is going to change that. You can be as disappointed as you'd like but it won't change a thing. Money, however, can change things. There's potential for your son to develop a 1-1 relationship with someone who then becomes someone he might be able to be left with. But you have to take it first.

Money is a form of help, even if not the one you'd ideally like. As I said up thread you can use it to find a suitable babysitter and build a relationship between them before trying to actually leave them alone together. This is not cheap, it may not even be possible but actually, it may be.

It is not great that your parents won't babysit but as they won't, it would be very wise to find an alternative if at all possible. The money can help with that.

My brother is great but he's going through a messy divorce at present. His ex has gone all crazy on him and is refusing to let him see his kids. So asking him for help right now wouldn't be appropriate. I've told my family (many times) that they need to let me know when they're coming if they can but they insist my ds is happy to see them, which he is but he is secretly anxious and then will blow up once they've left. My ds's can stay at friends which they do probably two or three times a month as they have some really good friends and they like to escape from their brothers behaviour so finding someone to mind them isn't an issue.

It's not just about the lack of babysitting though, that I'll just have to accept. It's about the lack of support is a bit of help when they visit so I can actually make them a cup of tea or answer the phone without having to grab my ds off of the cooker, or a kind supportive word here and there.

Have you even thought for a second that my ds won't be left with complete strangers? It's not allabout the money

same here.

I don't want their money either, that's their excuse for never being there.

As much as I struggle financially, its not about the money. then they use that to make themselves feel like they've 'helped'.

its physical help one needs.

I know exactly where you're coming from OP.

If they were to babysit,would they recognise his triggers and know how to deescalate the situation,would they know how to deal with a tantrum etc. ?
They might just be worried they might not be able to handle it or worse do the wrong thing,so they're offering money instead as another way of practical support.

This does not excuse the lack of emotional support though,and i totally get where you are coming from.

That's the thing though, if I pre warned our ds that me and dh were going out, he knew his grandparents, aunt, uncle were coming to mind him etc I am 99% sure he would be absolutely fine. I'd literally have everything organised like a military operation ie favourite sensory toys laid out, fave foods and drinks out on the counter, dvd set up, mood lights on in bedroom etc etc. I wouldn't leave him in the first place if I doubted he would be ok. My parents know I'd have everything organised and all they'd have to do was play with him, give him his toast and milk before bed and settle him down to bed. He goes down ok to sleep usually (it took years of working out a routine) and my mum and dad are aware of what I do. They are always saying he's fine for them on the very rare time they have him but they never have him fro more than 45mins/1 hour.

Sounds really tough OP and although I do not have a child with any additional needs I also never had any family support (my family live abroad and DH's just not interested)

Like you I have vowed to make sure my DC's are supported by us when they have their own families. But I am also aware that I will be in my sixties at the earliest if/when I get grandchildren so I appreciate some of that support may well be financial.

If the only support your parents are capable of giving is financial then grab if with both hands! It really does not matter what you believe their motivation is as long as you use it to make your families life better for everyone. As expat said money really does make a difference.

It's early days yet for you but don't let your pride get in the way of any help offered.