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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To think boyfriend/girlfriends shouldn't be encouraged before the age of 16?

51 replies

CadburyChocolateCrunchie · 02/09/2016 07:01

My niece is 11, nearly 12 and has a "boyfriend". Her parents seem to encourage this by allowing him over for "date night" where they watch movies in her room. They refer to it as date night. They've been allowed to go to the cinema alone, eat out alone (Mcdonalds..) etc.

Someone else I know allows their 14 year old's girlfriend to stay the night (separate rooms)

Surely this is too young?

OP posts:

Helmetbymidnight · 02/09/2016 12:18

Its not a choice between banning them from seeing each other and getting them to have date-nights in their room though, is it?

There's a huge grey area in-between. Most parents manage to walk that.

I think any parent who talks about her 11 yr old having 'date nights', is an idiot.

LeslieEllary · 02/09/2016 12:22

[quote]My niece is 11, nearly 12 and has a "boyfriend". Her parents seem to encourage this by allowing him over for "date night" where they watch movies in her room. They refer to it as date night. They've been allowed to go to the cinema alone, eat out alone (Mcdonalds..) etc.

Someone else I know allows their 14 year old's girlfriend to stay the night (separate rooms)

Surely this is too young?[/quote]

You didnt say how old the BF was, is he 15 or 16.

At 11 or 12, unless they live miles apart and it is in separate rooms no problem, but it sounds to me your Brother or Sister is borderline breaking the law. It is an offense for underage children to engage in sexual acts, putting them in a room together without parental supervision would open you up to all sorts of legal issues, the lightest of which will be having the kids put in the care of a responsible adult with the worst (and not unlikely) a criminal charge.

Do I think its right, absolutely not, it is at that age that boundaries are established and in a years time, or two, three or four, all before they are 16, the will think its fine to sleep with boys/girls.

The law is there for a reason, its liberals who encourage this that will create a society of rapes and teenage pregnancy and apologise for the criminals because they were only human.

ISIS are human but its not right to kill innocent people.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 03/09/2016 10:29

Okaaaaaay

Caffeinator · 03/09/2016 22:37

HarryPottersMagicWand · 03/09/2016 22:54

YANBU. My aunt was like this with my cousin. From the age of 10 she was pointing out random blokes saying "look at their bum" add and "oh I'm going to have problems with this one ha ha, she will be pregnant at 15"

Boys were allowed to stay over from a young age, aunt all keen to appear 'cool' and 'with it', yep cousin got pregnant young, got talked into an abortion, regretted it, purposely got pregnant again, literally will.sleep with anything male that happens to glance in her direction and is 'in love' with them and totally obsessed, especially When they eventually dump her and now moans about having to look after her child too much as the father has got a job and doesnt have his child much as he did before. This cycle.will.never and with her and her mum as her cheerleader the entire time. Now the.mum spends he time.moaning about how her DD has turned out and says that she tells her, far too little.too.late.

squoosh · 03/09/2016 22:55

I think any parent who talks about her 11 yr old having 'date nights', is an idiot.

I'll second that!

PurpleTango · 03/09/2016 23:20

How can parents discourage a teen relationship OP?

ApocalypseSlough · 04/09/2016 00:12

Purple by talking from a young age about dating at college/ doing A-Levels rather than SATS and not encouraging an 11 yo to have date nights

Jaimx86 · 04/09/2016 00:19

What are the negatives to this, OP (IYO)?
Teens will have partners (not necessarily sexual). If you push them away, you will lose any trust with the teen and control over them. A 'date night' might sound cheesy, but is harmless.

elliejjtiny · 04/09/2016 00:32

I'm on the fence. I felt so grown up at 15 with my boyfriend going to the cinema, mcdonalds etc. But my DS1 is 10 and seems so young still, I can't imagine him having a girlfriend.

squoosh · 04/09/2016 00:35

A 'date night' might sound cheesy, but is harmless.

Is it though? I think it's putting a bit of undue pressure on an 11 year old who may just be watching a DVD with a pal. Why the need to give it an adult tag?

PerspicaciaTick · 04/09/2016 00:42

If the children are at school together, then it is next to impossible to stop them being GF and BF. If you ban it outside school hours then they will carry on as before during school with the added frisson of being misunderstood and divided lovers - the two of them against the world.
I think all you can do is to react minimally, not do anything that actively promotes the relationship and to start teaching you child how to be in a healthy relationship (most of which applies to the intense friendships that form during teenage years too).

GreatFuckability · 04/09/2016 02:07

my daughter is 13 and has had the same 'boyfriend' since she was 7. Its all very very innocent, they hold hands sometimes, and thats as far as it goes.
I wasn't allowed a boyfriend at her age, and all that did was make me lie about where I was and who I was there with. it doesn't encourage anything, it just teaches them its ok to have feelings and she is very open with me about her relationship. she tells me that she hasn't kissed him, she doesn't want too, and the very idea of anything more than that freaks her out totally.

KickAssAngel · 04/09/2016 02:38

DD kind of has a 'boyfriend'. She just turned 13 but the two of them have been 'crushing' on each other for over a year. They sit together in school or when out with a group. They often email/text about books/movies/stupid jokes. One time he kissed her on the cheek.

I teach at their school, and it's a very small school so I know ALL the kids and see them several times a day. I'm very sure that there's nothing more going on - someone would tell me very quickly if they thought there was.

It seems age appropriate. However, neither of them want to go on a 'date' to the movies alone (they'll go in a group and sit next to each other) or to each other's house as they feel it would be too awkward.

For DD it feels about right. I'm not sure I'd be happy with much more than that for a while. I know that there are LOADS of younger teens who are sexually active, but that doesn't mean that they really understand what they're doing, or that they could cope if they got pregnant.

monkeymamma · 04/09/2016 06:42

This is madness! Of course it's fine to have a 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend' at that age. The parents leaving 12yo alone in her room, no - that seems very silly (but then we'd never do TVs in rooms anyway). But McDs together and cinema is lovely and I totally remember the joy of having a big crush at that age especially if reciprocated. I had boyfriends, one serious, from age 13 but didn't have any probs waiting till 16 (and till I was comfortable doing so) to have sex (with the more serious boyfriend). We were together till I left school and to be honest, it was a very staid and settled relationship which probably saved a lot of angst and distraction when I was doing vital studying. I think it also set the tone for me in terms of relationships being fairly serious and gentle and kind. No dramas. Children and teens want to mimic adults and practice for adult life in a safe secure environment and I don't see what's bad about that really. I think in terms of sex, underage is a big no obviously, but getting them to stick to that is much more about raising them with self-esteem generally. A boyfriend you know about and make time and space for in your family home is a much better prospect than a vulnerable teen getting up to God knows what with God knows who.

FreshHorizons · 04/09/2016 07:01

While I don't think it is something that you wish to encourage I don't think that you want to ban it either- depending on the teen it can then just go secretive.
The important thing is to keep the lines of communication open. Those who say 'my 14yr old has no interest in boys' - can you be absolutely sure?
Are you views so strong that they simply wouldn't say?
I didn't have a boyfriend when I was 14yrs and I didn't show an interest with my parents but I was actually interested in boys.

MothershipG · 04/09/2016 07:47

DD is 14 and has her first boyfriend, honestly I preferred it when she thought all boys were smelly. But realistically he's a nice boy, she's going to see him everyday at school so how would I 'discourage' it? Ban him from the house? Cut her allowance? I think this would only be counterproductive.

Instead we've had chats about parties, drink, drugs, sex, what some of their contemporaries get up to, self esteem etc.

I'm just doing my best to keep the lines of communication open, I think she is sensible and has good self esteem, but I will be watching like a hawk and ready to be all over it if the situation requires that.

PurpleTango · 05/09/2016 18:25

Purple by talking from a young age about dating at college/ doing A-Levels rather than SATS and not encouraging an 11 yo to have date nights

Good luck with that! I wouldn't encourage "date nights" at age 11 but you cannot stop children forming relationships. Obviously at age 11 the boy/girl "relationship" is likely to be just friends. I don't for one minute believe there is anything to worry about 11 year olds relationship.

As for talking to an 11 old year about A Levels taking precedence over normal, childhood friendships [ROFL]

Nataleejah · 05/09/2016 18:53

I think you need to relax. A concept of boyfriends/girlfriends at 12 is very different from 16-18 and onwards. Going to McDonalds or watching a film together is very innocent and harmless.

Chopstick17 · 05/09/2016 19:16

YANBU that is plain weird to encourage 'date night' etc. I think that the child is probably acting up to the parents' expectations and what they have encouraged. My DDs are 16 and 12 and I would never encourage that behaviour. If the 16 yr old shows interest in a boy then that is normal but I'm not looking to actively be involved, she would hate me!!

Chopstick17 · 05/09/2016 19:19

11 is not a teen!!

Shallishanti · 05/09/2016 19:30

the point about 'talking about A levels' is to give kids especially girls, something to aim for besides having a boy/girl friend. It's not an accident that young women with limited aspirations are more likely to have babies very early- they don't have any other plans that a baby would disrupt.
Obviously pointless banning teenagers from having relationships but stupid, IMO, to stick adult (and heteronormative ) labels like 'date night' on a boy and girl socialising- they can just be friends.

vdbfamily · 05/09/2016 21:06

I agree with shallishanti that it is all about labelling that is the problem. We have recently been away with friends who have an 8 year old. He has been encouraged to have a girlfriend and go on dates. My 10 and 13 year old daughters were continually pestered to hold his hand and he kept telling them how many girls he had kissed. He actually refused to camp one night as a treat with my son and DH because my 13 yr old DD was sleeping indoors and refused to camp with him. It is fine for 8 year olds to have close friends of both sexes but for the parents to actually start encouraging the dating is counterproductive and I suspect they might start to regret it as time goes by!!

ApocalypseSlough · 05/09/2016 21:34

That was to me, I think purple the bit about SATS and A Levels?
It's what I've done with my dcs- no boyfriends/ girlfriends, off to or already at v good universities. It didn't happen by accident.
I was driving a friend and her daughter who's the same age as one of mine who's just off. The 18 yo said she couldn't imagine ever leaving home 😮
We've been having the 'you go to school then university then live with friends/ get married/ maybe move back home as houses are so expensive' conversation since they were toddlers.

Shallishanti · 05/09/2016 21:56

extremely odd behaviour for an 8 yo, vdb !

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