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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with an insensitive and tactless friend

51 replies

stirling · 31/08/2016 16:26

Hi,
In a nutshell Dh and I are separated due to his philandering ways - and I've been through a very harrowing 5 years. He lives part time with parent and part here in an annexe building. Eventually tried to have a relationship myself it didn't work out.

I have a (relatively new) friend (met a year ago -who - everytime she sees him, goes all leery, telling me how 'hot' he looks, bloody hell he's so good looking, crikey he looks stunning today... Right down to "can I have him for a while?". She sees him on the school run or at times here at my house.

I find her comments insensitive given that I became physically very unwell after I discovered his affairs, and none of my friends have ever done the same. They're all quite lukewarm around him. I know she wasn't in my life at the time of the discovery of the betrayals, but she has been told and she watched the separation happening.

He is good looking and to have her constantly harping on about it is uncouth in my opinion ( is it worth mentioning that she's been having an affair with the husband of a friend of hers for the past two years)?

I try not to judge people but yes, I feel very wary about her in general. She's cheating on her husband left right and centre, sleeping with builders, men she'll meet online etc - all because her husband is 20 years older than her and in her words "an old man"
So when I told her this morning that she is not to speak like that about my husband because I find its a sore reminder of how popular he is with women and all the pain I went through as a result, she snapped: well I'd be delighted if someone was to say that about my husband "

Well I'm not you, I thought, but didn't continue to argue.
I'm really talking myself out of this friendship aren't I? And clearly, I am judgemental. She is unfortunately obsessed with me - she's 6 years younger than me and is repeatedly telling me that I'm the best friend she's ever had. She's highly insecure and has been bombarding myself (and her lover) with messages throughout the day, everyday, despite me telling her that I can't cope because I have daily headaches. I realise she's highly insecure. You're probably wondering why she's a friend at all. She has many other good traits.

I don't mind hearing that I'm perhaps overreacting - but please could you be kind. I love the opinions I receive on this board but not in a good frame of mind for any nastiness.

Thank you in advance.

OP posts:
Original poster
stirling · 31/08/2016 16:57

You're right, a female version of my ex.

The most depressing part is that she showers me with gifts. What she did for my birthday last week - I was left speechless. And painfully aware that I feel duty bound to remain a friend. Horrible situation

OP posts:
ConkersDontScareSpiders · 31/08/2016 16:58

She sounds like she might be quite unwell. Of course it's not appropriate to talk about your husband,ex husband or your partner like that. Even less so given that she has presumably supported you through the separation.
I would be pretty hurt by that.
Get rid op-who needs that in their life?

WindPowerRanger · 31/08/2016 16:59

No, you really aren't duty bound to put up with transgressions because of presents. Return them if need be.

Middleoftheroad · 31/08/2016 17:00

You share the same taste in men too and it will not end well.

Personally I would not find a serial adulterer attractive and they sound well suited, so give her the cold shoulder.

SaucyJack · 31/08/2016 17:02

Hmm. The laughter and the lavish displays of friendship vs. the volatility, tactlessness and the personal relationship dramas are both sides of the same emotionally intense coin.

If you enjoy her company then keep her as a friend, albeit at arm's length.

If she's simply too much trouble then sack her off and go and find some more boring, but stable company.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2016 17:08

Are you glutton for punishment? You manage to extricate you from a very uncomfortable and painful marriage only to become best buddies with his female equivalent.

I do know what it is like to feel beholden to people. It is really hard to get out of a relationship with someone, who's treating you so conflictingly. She sounds very manipulative. That's not the sort of "friend" you need right now. And I would distance yourself from her in case they do become "fuck buddies". She clearly wouldn't care about your feelings. Mummy friends maybe for the sake of the children. But do try to cool it.

She sounds like she's got a lot of issues. She needs therapy.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 31/08/2016 17:11

She is insensitive and it sounds as if she and your philandering ex deserve each other. Sit back and smirk.

LeonardInTheArgosBag · 31/08/2016 17:17

Get rid. "Duty" is the worst possible reason to continue a friendship.

hippydippybaloney · 31/08/2016 17:17

Gross. YANBU. Get rid.

Sorry to hear you've had such a shit time of it Flowers

Bambamrubblesmum · 31/08/2016 17:21

The lavish gifts etc are just part of the overall pattern of behaviour for someone who is unstable. Think of a guy abusing his wife then bringing home a bunch of flowers to make it okay.

Friendship that is genuine doesn't have to be this intense. She's trying to control you and dominate your life by not respecting boundaries, both with the messaging and your ex.

Also have you considered the fact that her being a therapist gives her more insight into how to be manipulative? Scary thought.

She's not a friend she's a frenemy. Get rid quick before she does any real damage to you.

BlueFolly · 31/08/2016 17:25

YADNBU

burdog · 31/08/2016 17:28

She's not your friend. YNBU.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 31/08/2016 17:29

OP get rid of her. It's not your job to make someone feel secure about themselves. She sounds dreadful.

Flowers
millymaid · 31/08/2016 17:42

You ditched your cheating husband, and replaced him with "friend" who behaves in the same way. She's not cheating on you obvs, but she's a disloyal philanderer who doesn't seem to care about your feelings. It sounds like you need to distance yourself from her and figure out why you are attracting people like this into your life. You deserve better.

Original poster
stirling · 31/08/2016 18:47

Thank you thank you. Really do appreciate all the advice on here. It's going to be hard as she's made me feel so uncomfortable in the past when I've tried to express a concern - dramas galore.
Bambam, so true that she's trying to control and dominate my life. That realisation is awful.
Leonardintheargosbag - how true. Duty really is the worst reason to continue with a friendship.
Right then. Time to brace myself...

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 31/08/2016 19:22

Get through this drama and you're done. Avoid it and there'll be countless dramas ahead.
People like her like you to be weak and needy so they can be dramatic and save you. Regularly.

CoraPirbright · 02/09/2016 10:00

Good luck OP. Rip the bandaid off and you will feel so refreshed. She may well kick up a stink but remember what horrible behaviour lead you to post this in the first place and keep hold of that. Flowers

KoalaDownUnder · 02/09/2016 10:09

You are not 'duty-bound' to do fuck-all!

She sounds like an insensitive, sleazy twat. Seriously - distance yourself. And don't feel guilty (I can tell you're going to!)

ReginaBlitz · 02/09/2016 10:17

Sorry this is your own fault! You have stayed friends with her! I would have told her to stfu the first time she said it.

PovertyPain · 02/09/2016 10:36

If your husband behaved like this, buying you presents, being fabulous, discussing your concerns, treating you as if your opinions didn't matter, bullying you (because she is, even if you can't see it), then you'd be told that he is gas lighting you. She a gas lighting, manipulative fucker. Get shot if her, and why the hell is your husband still hanging around your home. Pull it together and get these scum bags out if your life. You will feel so much the better for it.

BiscuitMillionaire · 02/09/2016 10:44

Jesus I feel sorry for any future clients of hers, she could do some serious damage to vulnerable people. Can you imagine if someone comes to her feeling suicidal because they've just discovered that their DH has been cheating - I really hope she never qualifies.

Although it will be hard to ditch her if she's a neighbour, I would seriously cool it, tell her you're busy, etc. - and don't engage with any dramas.

alltouchedout · 02/09/2016 10:46

She's not your friend. You're not duty bound to have her in your life. Get rid. She's awful.

Whereismumhiding2 · 02/09/2016 10:56

Its not OP's fault. Her friend invegelled her way into her life when she was down and feeling broken. 'Friend' sounds v much like your XH. Charming, funny but ultumately toxic with a lack of ethical core or real (not faked) empathy to other's feelings. That's quite a deep flaw.

There are normal friends out there, who could equally make you smile & enrich your life. As she's a neighbour & your DC are friends, I'd be inclined to not to.a blow up but a drip drip on gradual step back. You'll still see her around. I'd 'be on the way out' grab my keys & kids when she turns up at mine unexpected, bust when she invites herself over. I'd see her only at her house and leave her house or wherever, the moment she brings up your XH inappropriately. No friend would talk about him or praise him, without taking lead from you. When she asks what's going on, when I had her full attention, or if situation was that I needed to say something. Ie if leaving early.....

I'd explain to her something like.., 'I've told you how inappropriate & painful I find your comments about my XH & DC's dad. You're damaging our friendship to continue. If my feelings mean so little to you over a reasonable request, then this isn't a healthy friendship for me & its not good for me to stay in your company right now, so I'm going...' If she's in your house, say 'it's time for you to leave now, because I've asked you not to make inappropriate comments about XH, etc... This ought to be mine & kids safe space' . once she hears it a second/3rd.4th time, she might learn.

I'm saying that, as there's a possibility that you've been over polite & the message was mixed up in other talk or she's not heard you clearly because she was too busy thinking in her head about herself. She sounds like the type, who is a bit narcisstic. They can be great fun and interesting as acquaintances, as long as they respect boundaries of which you've already identified one.

Oh BTW just don't answer her texts if u don't want to ..('my phone was charging.., I was busy..., I've only just seen your (11) text(s) from earlier, how's things? ' ). The more texts I get, off an annoying person, not genuine ones, the longer I want to take to reply... Days even! Then I tend to all one word replies and end with a 'no sorry can't do tonight' & 'gotta go, chat another day x'

Good luck OP anyway x such a difficult situation

Beeziekn33ze · 02/09/2016 11:16

Concentrate on your other friends and school mums. If you cool it with the entertaining drama llama you may find they become closer. Your closeness with her could put other friends off. You don't need her stirring up bad feelings.

MintyChops · 02/09/2016 13:57

Whereismum's advice is perfect. With someone like this you need to keep very clearly stating the facts about what they are doing/saying which is overstepping your boundaries. If she responds wth drama, don't engage with her. Just leave or repeat your request for her to leave.

Have you spoken to her in the light of the advice you have had on this thread? It's not easy but if you think about bad she is making you feel and how she is trying to control you, perhaps that will steel you...