Please tell me if I'm being U and touchy here and I'll buck my ideas up for the rest of the holiday

[Ohdoshutup]

I'm currently on the annual holiday with DH's family. Every year, his family book a gathering in cottages and we stay for 3 nights. We never hear from his DP's or family any other time really but it's nice nonetheless.

It is well known that DH and I have been trying unsuccessfully to conceive our first baby since we got married 3 years ago. At a famy wedding I was mid ivf and DH quietly told family that this is why. In the time we've been going through this, DH parents have never once enquired. Fair enough.

Anyway, last week I get an extremely excitable what's app from mil to reveal "amazing news" that her niece is pregnant after only getting married 3 months ago. Of course I immediately replied saying it was lovely. The niece is also on the holiday and it's been nothing but "baby talk" and how they are "fast movers" after only just getting married. Another of the cousins is pregnant and there are a few babies in the family too. Constant baby talk with seemingly no consideration for what is happening to us. I'm not drinking at the moment and I've had constant comments on how I don't drink much. Yawn. I have said that I am currently mid clomid cycle but the comments ("go on, just one") persist.

Absolutely nothing has been said to acknowledge this by MIL and I'm say here quietly fuming to be honest. This shit just wouldn't happen with my family. PLEASE tell me that I am just jealous and unreasonable. I don't want to feel like this.

I've been through this, first baby took 10 years to conceive. Unfortunately it is something you'll have to get used to. It does hurt, but at the same time the world doesn't stop and it's really not fair to expect them to pretend it's not happening or the niece to miss out on the excitement and fuss over her.

Also, from personal experience I would say it's actually much, much worse to face the situation where everyone stops talking when you come into the room or the baby is whipped away every time you might see it and you get shut out of a happy family event because they don't want to upset you.

You are not being unreasonable, they are being insensitive.

They might be thinking that acting as if everything is fine is the way to go, but that's not really an excuse for not asking how you are every now and then.

Some people are just oblivious to other people's feelings unfortunately

Where is your DH in all of this?

Another one wishing you luck. I have been where you are too. Hearing other people talk about babies didn't upset me but I think the way they are banging n about it all the time and making comments about "not wasting much time" is tactless in the extreme.

What used to irritate me was my then SIL, who had one DC, asking whenever we saw her when we were going to get on and make a little cousin for JJ.

None of your damn business would have been my preferred response but, of course, we just used to laugh it off and make non-commital remarks

YANBU
I'm with you mate, been through this shit myself when miscarrying or TTCing for years! Had same issues with MIL

All I can say is chin up don't let fuckers ruin your psychology ! You need to be relaxed when you TTC
Sending you a hug, you ll get there

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It is true that you cannot censor conversations and it WOULD be unreasonable to expect them to not mention the other pregnancy/babies at all. However, there is such a thing as sensitivity and considering other people's feelings.

I cannot have children; finding out and then going through the surgery and the aftermath was, to put it mildly, hell. The day I returned to work after my hysterectomy the woman who shared my office announced she was pregnant. She fully knew my situation. Now, I didn't mind her announcing her pregnancy and I congratulated her on it. I was genuinely happy for her.

What followed, however, was horrendous. She literally did not stop talking about it or rubbing it in my face for the next 9 months! She asked me to help her pick out a pram, did "pregnancy exercises" (whatever those were) on the floor of our office so I had to climb over her to get out... she would stand next to my desk (had no need to do that) rubbing her belly - I mean it was really really bad and it was all day, every day until she went on maternity leave. There was another woman at my work who was also pregnant but you barely heard her mention it. I didn't even know she WAS pregnant until she was quite far on. But this woman in my office - OMG - she was so bad.

Thing was, I was like you, I thought it was ME being over-sensitive due to my situation and I didn't say a word about it; that is until colleagues started asking me how I could possibly stand it because she was driving them ALL crazy with it and they all thought she was completely out of order given my situation. Eventually a colleague pulled her aside and told her to knock it off and to show some sensitivity. It didn't stop her - but it was good to know other people had noticed it and it WASN'T just me over-reacting and being over-sensitive. Just having some support helped.

Anyway - no you're not being unreasonable. Is there any way your DH could have a word? Or alternatively, the next time they go on at you to have a drink, say firmly that no, you do not want to drink, and then tell them in no uncertain terms why it is important for you not to drink, the reality of IVF, what it means to you, etc.... etc... - really get stuck into it - and don't give them a chance to butt in. Really paint the picture of what it's like for you. It's not that you owe them an explanation - you don't - but it might shame them into adjusting their behaviour perhaps?

Btw I wish you every success in conceiving! xx

YANBU! Constant baby talk from over excited couples and their over excited relatives is bad enough when you are not ttc.
You are feeling sensitive but as someone else said, people will continue to have babies and although it's really hard when you want this so badly, for your own sanity you need to learn how to grit your teeth.
As you say, this is a 3 day meet up once a year! You now have 12 months peace and quiet to look forward to!

Have you tried talking about your IVF with them?

I have a friend who will not get pregnant without assistance (her husband's sperm count is close to non-existent). I'd occasionally ask how things were going, had she heard from the hospital about an appointment for X procedure and she finally snapped that she didn't want to talk about it with anyone. She said they'll either have a baby or they won't, and discussing the in-between stuff was just upsetting.

Now I would never try to take an interest in a similar situation unless the person brought it up first.

Does your DH say anything to them?

You poor thing. Sometimes it can be v hard. As someone who did 4 years of ttc I really get where you're coming from. I found the best thing to do was to explain in small words what was happening and how it felt- I tried to think of it as giving people the opportunity to be nice. If they don't take it, and not everyone will, I think you're ok to avoid them.

Have you considered checking out the amazing supportive and generally ace group of mnetters the Berries?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/2529829-Pom-Poms-Placards-and-Picket-Lines-The-Berries-are-putting-up-the-barricades-and-will-not-be-crossed-A-delightful-bunch-of-30-something-Ladybros-TTC-1

Before joining MN and before following a blog (it was great - baby after infertility, called 'a little pregnant' if you want to look it up) I had no idea how hard it was. This could be a combination of them genuinely not knowing about IVF, what it involves, how hard it is, plus the fact that they don't know you very well and don't know how you feel. And a few of them could know all this and just be insensitive dicks. Hopefully not.

If you're comfortable with it I agree with pp that a long and detailed account of exactly what you're doing in this regard and how it feels would probably work wonders! but it's perhaps a bit too personal ...

How relentless is it if it is 3 days once a year?

I understand it is sensitive but you will be home soon.

Has your DH noticed at all?

Just want to wish you all the best OP and hope things work out for you

💐 sending you massively 'good luck' vibes.

I hope that by the next holiday you can be the pregnant one - mind you, then they'll be bloody annoying with their 'advice' 😖😂

It's 'not you', they're being really insensitive going on & on when they know you're having difficulties getting pregnant.

Next time of one then says 'Oh, go on, just one' I'd snap and say 'Did you hear what I said? I'm taking CLOMID for my infertility issues. I CANNOT drink. Drinking isn't as important to me as having a baby, so I am fine with that. What I am not fine with is people trying to pressure me into drinking & showing NO sensitivity, at all, regarding our infertility issues. Ginger nut anyone?'

That is tough - I had the same with colleagues (who didn't know my situation) and my Dsis who jolly well did and was completely useless, until I took the same approach as some posters have suggested and told her in grim detail what it was like. Then she was just quite useless.

As you only see these people once a year, I'd grin and bear it, however, generally, I found the 7 years of infertility/investigations/being rejected for adoption/failed IVF/successful IVF really showed me and DH who our friends are.

I never actually gave this fact sheet to anyone but the advice is quite good, I think:
www.infertilitynetworkuk.com/uploaded/Fact%20Sheets/Families%20Parents%20Friends%20Colleagues%20April%202014.pdf

Hang in there.

I do feel for you.

If I were your MIL I would probably take you to one side, just for three minutes to say I knew you were happy for other family members, but that I appreciated how difficult things had been for you, and that I was with you every step of the way.

Agree with PP - where is DH in all of this?

Does the niece actually know that you are going through IVF?
(I didn't know what clomid was until a good while into TTC, if she fell pregnant from taking off her wedding dress she might not have realised what you were saying?)

This is why I don't spend any time with family. Friends you choose to be with are far less crass.

I would definitely go with the sharing of the gory details. That approach worked for me with a friend who only had to look at her husband to get pregnant and just couldn't get her head around the fact that it's much harder for most other people.

Unless you've been through fertility problems / treatment you have no idea what it all means and what an awful process it is, both physically and mentally.