To think maybe grandparents are closer to their daughter's children?

[CedricSydneySneer]

I probably am.

I feel as though my parents are closer to my dc than my brothers dc. They don't treat them differently or anything so it's hard to explain.

I like my in laws but I don't feel close to them, when my own parents are with my dc it just seems more natural, hard to explain. I try not to let this get in the way. It might be because with my own family we can say what we think but it's all faux politeness with in laws.

I've noticed this with a few people, the daughters are the main carers and seem to go to their own mum for advice or for babysitting. I've even seen situations where the dads parents have been banned from seeing grandchildren when relationships break down.

Is this just me? I've got boys and although it's a long way off I wonder if my future dil will feel the way I do.

[Floisme]

...I also hate the expression 'mummy's boy'. Lets call it as a term of abuse whenever we see it on MN. It's loathsome and perpetuates the sexist view that men should not have a close relationship with their mothers.

I'll join you if I may.

[user1468518769]

My in-laws really upset me, my mum is really poorly and may not have long to live. I was hoping my in-laws would step up to ensure my dd is surrounded with family and love. But no, once a month they take out or look after our niece and nephew. They see us about 4 times a year. I'm devastated for my dd.

[Endofthelinee]

My mum lives 3 hours away. My ILs live 5 minutes away. No surprise who is closer to my dc. I would love my mum to be closer, but very happy with the relationship my dc have with ILs.

[PuntCuffin]

Totally disagree. My parents adore my brother's daughters and completely ignore my sons. We live 15 miles away, brother more like 40 miles. They don't ring, they don't visit, they miss birthdays. It is too much hassle to come to school events. They won't babysit etc. But they do all the above for my brother and his wife.

My inlaws will drop everything to help out even though they live 2 hours away and are older and more infirm than my parents. They have no daughters or granddaughters so maybe they are at lower risk of bias like this.

My parents have even been known to refer to my older son as 'Boy', not even using his name.

[AgentPineapple]

We have 3 kids, My MILs only grandchildren. She has never come out to our house (ever) and the only time they see her is when we go out to her. She has never looked after them, we can't rely on her for anything. Even when one of my 1 year old twins was ill 2 weeks ago (suspected meningitis) she wouldn't even get her arse in a taxi to come out and watch the other two so I could take her to hospital, my DH was working away and had the car. My DH had to drive 60 miles back to take us to hospital. They wouldn't send an ambulance either. We have now bought a second car because that can never happen again but she would rather give them sweets and toys than make the effort to spend time with them. I keep taking them to see her because I don't want them to miss out on their granny. My parents live abroad and still see more of my kids than she does, they also spend more quality time with them. I really don't understand. It's her only sons children yet they fall way down her list of priorities

[squoosh]

I also hate the expression 'mummy's boy'. Lets call it as a term of abuse whenever we see it on MN. It's loathsome and perpetuates the sexist view that men should not have a close relationship with their mothers.

It doesn't really exist as a term in Ireland where the mother/son bond is the one that's revered above all others!

[freetrampolineforall]

I think it's more to do with amount of access. My mum was very close to my sister's and brother's children but less so to my lovely girl because Mum is too poorly to see her and do stuff with her. My dh's parents are younger and fitter and see my dd all the time. Much as I wish it could be even Steven they are closer to dd than my mum.

[FoxInABox]

PIL have always looked after and favourited SILs children, don't bother with ours at all or care much, even when one was seriously ill. However, my parents don't bother much either but at least that's the same for my nieces and nephews too. I can handle it if it's the same- it's the favouritism that bothers me. I've often wondered if it is because they see helping SIL as just helping her, but they think if they help DH in any way it's helping me not him- and as a man he shouldn't need their help, I'm not sure.

[eloquent]

Different here as we are 3 sisters. My parents don't bother with my kids at all.
They do my middle sister, baby sit and all sorts. Don't know about eldest sister.

This is why I no longer bother with any of them. The blatant favouritism was driving me mad. I'm no worse off now without them.

They see the paternal gp when my ex takes them so yeah they spend more time. No baby sitting etc from either side.

[Koan]

When I read your post OP, I thought about the old saying:

'Your son is your son till he finds him a wife, your daughter's your daughter for life.

I think, all other things like geography being equal, it will be a tendency unless the mother fully trusts the PIL and feels at ease with them. She is usually quite pivotal in fostering relationships with others when the child is little. Even with DH, I remember how much I could ease his path by relating things of the day in a way that gave him more of an 'in' as could use that knowledge in his interactions with DC1 as their bond developed.

[MammouthTask]

My parents see more of my dcs because they are retired whereas my PIL aren't.
When the dcs were little and my parents weren't living as close as they are now, they were seeing much much more of the dcs.

I saw more of my maternal grand parents than my paternal ones because unfortunately my dad's parents were bonkers. Even my dad had very little to do with them (eg he hasn't seen his own dad for years now). Whereas my maternal garnd parents were much more 'normal'.

Another issue I see with our case is that DH issn't that keen on organising to go and see them. He doesn't do the 'effort'. But then I suspect my PIL woouldn't be tht keen on seeing us every other week either. Not out of lack of interest or bad relationhsip. They are just not that sort of people.
Now that they are semi retired and have less to do, I suspect it will change things again.

Fwiw, I have talked about the dcs to my parents just as much as I have to my MIL. My parents tend to be the ones to look after the dcs because they aren't working.
And if we were to get divorced, I would expect their father to organise something so that HIS parents can see the grand children. The 'dad parents have been banned' is bollocks IMO.

[SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes]

My pils are closer to their granddaughter who is the only child of their daughter. The kids of their sons barely get a look in. We keep seeing pictures and posts of activities and days out involving my mil sil and niece. I'm really suffering with depression at the moment. I find myself getting very jealous. Of course I'm not expecting the relationship they have but my eldest dd(10) has noticed and gets upset. Dh mentioned it to his mum but she gets defensive and cries. She promised to be a little fairer but it soon fell by the wayside.

[Lullabullacoo]

YANBU. There will always be exceptions to a rule but I think generally it is true.
When I was married my FIL virtually lived in our home (he and exH worked together). He picked up GC regularly, fed them & generally spent lots of time with them. He & MIL lived next door. MIL once went 6 weeks without seeing DS but never went a day without speaking to SIL's children. Any time I spoke about my 2 then they were instantly compared to other GC.
After I left my (violent) husband things were vaguely amicable. I was very fond of FIL & he was aware that there were problems with his DS. Especially as his DS had previous with first wife. My DC do not see their father (by choice) but are devastated that their grandparents have made no effort to keep up. I have told them they are welcome to visit or call - but nothing, no cards etc. My DS sent them a card and nothing. My DS thinks he is a bad person etc because his grandad doesn't seem to care (obviously I have reassured him this is not the case). I am shocked they can just walk away. My parents would do anything to see their GC & would never give up.

[RepentAtLeisure]

In my family it's definitely true, going back more than one generation too. We socialized a lot with DMs family, hardly ever (like once every 2/3 years) with DFs. And we would never see anyone from a male in-laws family at any parties or gatherings, only family of female in-laws.

More directly I have multiple DBs and one DSIS, all with DCs. My DBs have pretty much been absorbed into their wives families and we only get invitations to events that everyone in their lives is invited to en masse. My DSIS and I see each other a lot, and our DPs. We did not see much of ex-DPs families - in my case because their body language made it very clear that they didn't think I was good enough for their boy...

So yes, my family proves the rule without exception! But I don't want to lose my DS to a future wife's family, so I intend to be as welcoming and helpful yet not smothering as I possibly can!

[RepentAtLeisure]

*My DSIS and I see each other a lot, and our DPs (meaning dear parents)

*We did not see much of ex-DPs families (meaning 'dear' partners)

[Vintagegirl1]

Certainly true in my family. My mum bends over backwards to help with the dcs even though she still works full time. In laws see dcs for a couple of hours on a Sunday and have babysat 3 times (my eldest is 13) This is one of the reasons I am now nc with them.

[VestalVirgin]

There seems to be a pattern of parents in law treating their daughter in law badly, and that might also extend to the grandchildren. I've read the theory that humankind evolved to live in matrilineal clans, so women never evolved to be nice to non-related women.

Be that as it may, in civilised society, it should matter little. My paternal grandma was closer to her daughter's child, but that's probably because her daughter lived closer. I was definitely closer to her than to my maternal grandmother.

[squoosh]

There seems to be a pattern of parents in law treating their daughter in law badly

Only if you believe everything you read on MN!

[Badders123]

Just to give a different perspective....
I'm much closer to my mil than my own mother.
My pils have always provided childcare (yes they offered!) whereas mum and dad were both still working ft when my eldest was born.
When my sister had her e,fest my mum left work to help my sister care for him!
My brothers dd is the golden child (as is my brother) and is materially and emotionally favoured over all the other gc.
My eldest is 13 and I could count on one hand the amount of times my parents babysat. They even refused to have them for 2 hours when I had a funeral to go to.
All gps live locally btw.
I don't really try with mum anymore tbh. Pils still see the gc a lot...their choice.

[SeaLionsOnMyShirt]

It's true in our family as well, but I think DH has to take some of the blame here. He loves his parents but has never had a close relationship with them, and I have to nag him to organise a visit to them every couple of months, or for him to call his DM for a catch up otherwise we'd never see them or hear from them, it's v rare for them to initiate contact (mainly as they think it's my responsibility as the wife....) Therefore, our DC are a lot closer to my DM as she will just pop over or suggest us going round to see her every few days as opposed to the ILs who we only see a few times a year. They adore the DC, but it's a very different kind of relationship.

[LardLizard]

I think this is on the whole true, and in a way only natural

[MammouthTask]

Why is it natural Lizard?

[Notagainmun]

I was closer to my Father's parents as they lived nearby but my parents were a lot closer to my DC than my in-laws because I worked part-time and visited my parents often. I usually visited my in-laws with DH on weekends.

My sister has grandchildren with both her son and daughter. My niece lives locally and my nephew a few hours away so she spends more time with nieces children but is adores them all.

[moggle]

It's partly true in my family. It'll always be my mum I turn to with problems etc, never my MIL. But partly that's because my MIL is quite an anxious person and both DH and I keep things from her to manage her worrying. And my mum lives half an hour away whereas the ILs are 2 hours away. Having said that, my ILs look after DD for a whole day once a month, as do my parents, and my DD appears to be equally enamoured with all four of her grandparents even though she sees my parents a bit more.

But on the other half of the equation - I have a brother too, married with a DD of about 10m; they live fairly nearby and my parents see a lot of them too. And I really don't think my parents favour my DD over my niece, apart from the fact that she's a little older so they do more things with her (SIL isn't back at work from mat leave yet). My SIL will go over to my parents house with my niece on her own for a day, which isn't something I'd really consider doing but again my MIL live 2 hours away. My SIL's mum lives abroad, and they don't really have a typical mother daughter relationship, so again that changes things. My niece will be looked after twice a month by my mum and dad once SIL goes back to work.

There are so many factors at play, of course nothing is true for everyone, but I would definitely say that in my experience most (ie more than half...) women get on better with their own mother than their MIL. Surely that's natural... and then yes the effects of that can affect relationships with grandchildren. I'm not necessarily sure it goes the other way though, that mums tend to favour their daughter's children if they have both a son and daughter... but I can see how it can if DIL is very close to her mum and sees a lot of her... there are only so many hours in the day, weeks in the year, etc. It would be hard to be completely equal and maybe the father's parents lose out.

[EddieStobbart]

Isn't this heavily influenced by the relationship between the adult children and their parents (the grandparents)? I'm not close to my DM but she loves her GCs and treats mine and my DBs the same. Neither of us have a close relationship with her as it was pretty messy in our house growing up.

PILs only have sons though DBIL isn't showing any signs of wanting to have DCs so my DCs are likely to be their only GCs. They are very close to both their sons and fantastic with the DCs. They are much more hands-on than my DM (fitter). They live about as far away from us in the UK as you can get but visit often. They are so different as people than my DM that they actually play quite a different role in the DCs' life to the one my DM plays. DC2 loves hanging out with all of them, DC1 is preteen and has started to want to be left alone most of time anyway...

I lived close to my GM who was DF's mother when I was growing up. DB and I saw her weekly. We saw DM's mother once or twice a year. She was a lovely woman but I didn't know her very well so couldn't help but be closer to my DF's mum as I knew her far far better.