To think maybe grandparents are closer to their daughter's children?

[CedricSydneySneer]

I probably am.

I feel as though my parents are closer to my dc than my brothers dc. They don't treat them differently or anything so it's hard to explain.

I like my in laws but I don't feel close to them, when my own parents are with my dc it just seems more natural, hard to explain. I try not to let this get in the way. It might be because with my own family we can say what we think but it's all faux politeness with in laws.

I've noticed this with a few people, the daughters are the main carers and seem to go to their own mum for advice or for babysitting. I've even seen situations where the dads parents have been banned from seeing grandchildren when relationships break down.

Is this just me? I've got boys and although it's a long way off I wonder if my future dil will feel the way I do.

[Iknowthisgirlcanx100]

In my experience most mums I know prefer, feel more comfortable having their own parents around when they have children. It feels more natural to them. It is incredibly hard to be a MIL or a paternal grandparent and get the tone right.
I know lots of women that make it clear their own family takes priority with regard to their children and I don't think this will change until men are allowed to do more childcare. I have seen posts on here where women visit their mums most days for advice and support but really resent their husbands doing the same when looking after children. How many times do we see the term 'mummy's boy' on here as a term of abuse. You never see it used for women who see their Mums every day. There was the research last week showing that most men disliked being the sole bread winner and yet also researched that showed men are not taking up the opportunity for joint parental leave. A lot of women value their maternity leave too much to share.
Many men are close to their parents until they have a partner. One of my friends openly admits she finds the notion of him being close to his parents as a turn off. She doesn't like to think of him as a small boy with a family of his own. Her relationship with his family is stiff and awkward and they are discouraged from being hands on grandparents. I had never come across the phrase 'Happy wife, happy life' until I saw it on here, yet a lot of men always defer to their wives/partners when it comes to family stuff.
The situation may change when there is a real shift towards parental equality when it comes to child care. Then perhaps new fathers won't feel awkward about seeking support from their own families. In order to encourage equality in the work place more women and men need to share child care and some women need to learn to let go of the reins and
allow both sides of the family to feel involved.
Easy to say I know, much, much harder to achieve and there has to be a real change with regard to gender stereotypes of the role of mothers, fathers and even grandparents. I really hope that in 50 years time things will have moved on with regard to childcare and fathers.

[otter2954]

I'm not sure why people are complaining about the thread! IME it's almost always true that men move on very quickly, and girlfriend then wife soon replaces Mum. Then, if you die, new wife will soon replace you. Decent DILs will encourage relationships between grandchildren and ILs.

[MargaretCavendish]

I don't think this will change until men are allowed to do more childcare

here was the research last week showing that most men disliked being the sole bread winner and yet also researched that showed men are not taking up the opportunity for joint parental leave. A lot of women value their maternity leave too much to share

Why are you putting the full responsibility for this on women? Maybe some women 'guard' their parental role - but many others would desperately like their partner to step up to the plate more and he just doesn't. In my experience both men and women come up with (often pretty flimsy) reasons why shared parental leave couldn't possibly work: notably, it usually seems unacceptable to contemplate any damage to the man's career. I don't think it's at all fair to say that this is all about women 'stopping' men from taking shared leave. For some - not all, probably not most, but a significant number - 'I would rather not be sole breadwinner' doesn't mean 'I want to do 50% of childcare' it means 'I want my partner to do paid work but still do the vast majority of the work around the house'.

[MargaretCavendish]

IME it's almost always true that men move on very quickly, and girlfriend then wife soon replaces Mum.

I've met a few men who thought their girlfriend/wife should be a mum replacement. It never occurred to me to breed with one...

[museumum]

I'm closer to my mum than my mil. It's natural and I won't apologise for it.
But, my ds who is 3 spends more time with my mil than my parents because she does some regular childcare whereas my parents are a touch further away and tend to visit when we're all here rather than have sole care of ds.

[Mybugslife]

I see my mum more than I see my MIL, partly because she's further away and partly because she can barely ever be bothered with us anyway.
I have 3 brothers but none have DC yet, I've often spoken to my mum about how she would feel towards their DC compared to my DD. She says of corse she would love them the same but she worries that she will be a lot closer to my DD still. I am very close to my mum, 2 of my Bros live pretty far away and for nearly 6 years my DD has been the only grandchild (I'm pregnant so not for long). We also lived with my mum for 4 years so I think all of that makes sense.

However, when I look back to being a child and the relationship with my grandparents I really feel they treat my brothers and I exactly the same as they treated my cousins (my uncle is their son, my mum is their daughter). My brothers probably had more time with than as they are 5-8 years older than me and my cousins are younger than me so by the time we came along our grandparents were older and could do less with us but I've never felt like we've been treated differently. Although my uncle was very close with my nan and my mum very close with my grandad so maybe that made a difference

[Helmetbymidnight]

True, ime, and I can't understand it because not only am I much nicer and kinder than sil, but my DC are much nicer than hers too!

[Floisme]

How many times do we see the term 'mummy's boy' on here as a term of abuse. You never see it used for women who see their Mums every day.
I was just coming on to say the same thing. I remember being really taken aback the first time I saw it on here. Even on a parenting website, there's a view that there's something odd about a grown man who's close to his mum.

I don't think it's only about childcare. I think it's something to do with the dynamic whereby a daughter in law and mother in law are almost set up to regard each other as rivals. That's a lot more complex than who does the housework and I don't know how it can be changed or even - judging by some of the threads you see on here - if there's the will to change it.

[FiveHoursSleep]

Yes, this happens with our kids. My ILs see our children 2-3 times a year and then only for an afternoon, but seem to always be having SIL kids to stay and go on holiday with them.
My parents don't see our kids at all so it's not like there is any competition!

[ExplodingIceberg]

I think it really depends on the relationship with the child. My parents have two daughters and spend far more time/energy/money on my sisters children. But then, she was always the favoured child. When they do bother with my children, they make it pretty clear that they only want to interact with DD and ignore DS. MiL is a wonderful woman and will come and help out if need be, travelling over an hour to take DD to dance class, sit and wait 50 mins and bring her home! See her once or twice a week, and call a couple of times a week. Our children are her only grandchildren though as BiL and SiL unfortunately are having trouble conceiving.

[Astoria797]

This is true. My dh sister's kids are always preferred over my dh brother's kids even though mil lives with the latter. She hates it when I buy gifts for dh brother's kids, but I've just learned to ignore her.

[BluishSky]

^totqlly agree

I also this it's about how hands on the father is. And how much he takes charge - what I mean is that he is likely to defer to his own parents in the same way as the mum defers to hers.

My dh is very close to his and therefore my children are close my is parents.

[CRazzyyAce]

I see a lot of these threads where grandchildren from DS are not treated the same. It's sad to see, I know my inlaws aren't as hands on with the DC within a year we have we have been child free three times and it's been my family who have babysit, mil has babyDS twice. She is already worried that DD mil will see her new baby more than her shame she's not as interested in ours as much. It hurts DH but you can't change people or make people bother.

[BluishSky]

X-post, I meant I agree with the 'mummy's boy comments'

And by hands on, I'm not taking about cleaning the house/ playing, I mean whether there is equality in sorting and arranging childcare and days out etc.

[Iknowthisgirlcanx100]

I wonder what family relationships are like in Scandinavian countries where there is more emphasis on equal parenting? Does the bias towards the female side of the family exist to the same extent there?
There have been a couple of threads on here recently started by Mums who in spite of secure council housing tenancies on offer cannot face being an hours drive away from their mums, so great is their dependency.

[Despicablyme]

Completely true.
It's often an expectation of course.
I think if you only have sons perhaps you make more of an effort with their children than if a daughter is involved.
Myself I make a big effort to involve my in laws and for them to have a strong relationship with my boys. I think it's important to set an example to my boys that paternal grandparents should and can be equally as involved. If you have boys and are worried and still favour your own parents then I think it's worth trying to make an effort to address the balance now.

[lazyarse123]

This was true in our case. I never had a problem with PILs but I always felt our dc were second best. eg; my mil used to take sils dc to the coast for a day trip or would look after her and teach her to bake, I will never forget the look on my daughters face when she told us about these things (I just explained that she was a bit younger than her cousin and grandma couldn't really cope) even though she wasn't. MIL spent every Christmas day with one of her daughters and the rest of Christmas week with the other daughter. To be honest I didn't want her but would have done to please dh and dc. One year in January we asked her to come to us the next xmas, she said "I always go to Sil and don't want to upset her", just didn't occur to her that her son was upset. After she died I mentioned it to Sil and she said that she wished they could have had just one Christmas without her, so it's not always Sils fault. I have 1 dd and 2 ss hope I will be a fair grandma to all dc they may have.

[BluishSky]

Re Scandinavian - I've experienced none of the 'mummy's boy' stuff (hence my post before). Families can be close or not, but if they are close, then no one bats an eyelid.

[lazyarse123]

That should be 2 sons not stepsons

[Iknowthisgirlcanx100]

Bluish Sky I also hate the expression 'mummy's boy'. Lets call it as a term of abuse whenever we see it on MN. It's loathsome and perpetuates the sexist view that men should not have a close relationship with their mothers.

[BluishSky]

I agree.

[FlemCandango]

I have not found this to be the case in my family. I have a large and complicated family, a number of older and younger siblings (Inc half and a step), my mum has been a widow for a quarter of a century now. She lives hundreds of miles away and I wouldn't describe our relationship as close, loving but very awkward.Dh has a tiny very close family, no siblings and a very good relationship with his parents, talks on the phone several times a week, goes to football matches with his dad, they live 20 mins away. So the children see them much more often and have a good relationship, closer than with my mum. Mum could do more to maintain her relationship, call them and write to her grandchildren, but she doesn't.

It may have been different if dh had a sister of course, on a purely theoretical/ selfish level I perhaps I should be glad my children don't have to compete with grandchildren from a sister of dh's. I think the individual family dynamic is more important. In ours my fil is the babysitter and sees the children more often as mil suffers from ill health and my mum is miles away. This is not the usual set up probably but is normal for us. I have plenty of siblings to be close to so my relationship with my mum is for many reasons, more strained, but I feel much more comfortable with my family than dhs and I am sure he feels the same.I am very happy to facilitate a good relationship for my children with both sides of their family and I don't feel the need to be particularly close to in laws for that. My children are forging their own connections, I just provide the opportunities.

[PeggyMitchell123]

Hmm I know my mil supports her daughter with her disabled grandson a lot and so is heavily involved however she does see my son a fair amount and looks after him now and again for me. I would say that is down to my doing rather than my partners though. My partner works and even if he was off work, he would never think to take our ds to his mother's or send her pictures etc and he does have a fairly good relationship with her.

I would say however I find it easier to lean towards my mum for support than my mil. I think it's because I know my mum will not judge and support me 100%.

[grannytomine]

I see my GC more than their other grandmother. The children live with their mother and my son has reasonable access. My DIL, well I suppose it is exDIL, knows I will always have them and work my holidays and commitments round her shifts. We discuss any problems and have no problems but I have noticed that very often the father's parents seem to be a bit pushed out or not as close or something.

[SparklesandBangs]

Growing up my paternal grandparents lived between my house and school, I spent a lot of time with my DGM especially at the weekends because my DP were always out either playing sport or socialising, my DM was a SAHP and we did see lots of her parents too just more in the week. Me and my sister were the oldest by 4years and the only girls followed by 8 boy cousins so we were spoilt by paternal DGD who never really bonded with the boys.

For my DC on my PIL side they were the only GC until they were 12 and 14 so they had undivided attention and I honestly can't complain as it was always appropriate and positive. I still saw my DP more (they had other GC to) and my DM was always my first call if my childcare let me down or if I just wanted help or advice. We have a close relationship and she was the only GP of the 4 who didn't work so was very handy.
PIL have 2 more sets of GC now and I am so glad my 2 don't have to fight for attention and that they grew the bond when their GP were young and able. PIL bend over backwards to do all SIL childcare even though they are quite elderly now. BIL also has 2 and when he was married his needs always came 2nd behind SIL but now he is a single parent they try to be more accommodating. I think if mine were also under 5 like their cousins I would be on here on AIBU about the PIL regularly.