To think maybe grandparents are closer to their daughter's children?

[CedricSydneySneer]

I probably am.

I feel as though my parents are closer to my dc than my brothers dc. They don't treat them differently or anything so it's hard to explain.

I like my in laws but I don't feel close to them, when my own parents are with my dc it just seems more natural, hard to explain. I try not to let this get in the way. It might be because with my own family we can say what we think but it's all faux politeness with in laws.

I've noticed this with a few people, the daughters are the main carers and seem to go to their own mum for advice or for babysitting. I've even seen situations where the dads parents have been banned from seeing grandchildren when relationships break down.

Is this just me? I've got boys and although it's a long way off I wonder if my future dil will feel the way I do.

[Bluebolt]

I know that my DM whist she tried to be fair she only really had access to DB2 children after the divorce. The amount of MIL stories and the NC posts compared to DM posts is heavily outnumbered, how do you treat fairly when relationships are so frayed.

[Lesley1980]

My mum has 3 daughter in laws & 9 grandchildren & she is closer to my kids although we don't live the closest. She loves all her grandchildren & other than the ones 600 miles away she sees them all atleast once a week. However the relationship differs in that I speak to my mum most days & she gets daily updates & speaks to my kids so they have a better bond. My mum also feels totally comfortable overstepping the mark & interfering with my kids but would never do the same with the DIL. My mum would never call her DIL daily to ask about the kids or visit when she hasn't been invited as she is always worried the DIL thinks she is interfering or won't want her. Other than one daughter in law who we all think is a little crazy my mum has a great relationship with them but is held back by the fact she doesn't want to fall out with anyone & not see the kids.

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

My MIL told me not to expect any help/babysitting etc as "mothers look after their own daughters". I can't even begin to explain how much this hurt DH (but then again DH was very obviously never her favourite child) She has 0% relationship with my DC, and I can tell she views my Sils DC as her 'proper' DGC. Her loss. Big time.

[SandyY2K]

I agree with you Cedric.

I think it's because daughters make more effort to see their parents, then sons do and the grandparents feel closer to the grandchildren they see more often.

[Frockingst]

What utter ridiculous and sexist bollocks Sandy.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Well going my experience they are. My mum had 2 brothers and my grandparents saw them only once every blue moon, but. They saw me and my sister every day.
However my nan would discipline me and my sister, but not my cousin. I don't suppose she felt she knew them well enough. They were another women's children. The bond is entirely different

[Greengager]

Apparently this is the case. My mil read a book about being a grandparent that said the mothers parents will alway be the 'first grandparents'. She appears to have taken this on board whole heartedly and informs me she is saving all the nice toys that DH's grand father made and all the baby blankets etc for when SIL has children ( don't think this will be any time soon) so my children are clearly down in the pecking order below children that don't actually fucking exist.

[HeCantBeSerious]

DH has only brothers. His parents are close to the 6 grandchildren that live near them but usually always forget ours.

[ParanoidGynodroid]

I came on to say the same as TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot - i.e. that subconsciously grandparents favour their daughters' children, because daughters' children are certainly genetic descendants of grandparents and sons' children aren't.
I read years ago that it was not just a theory, but that studies had been conducted that showed that grandparents gave better gifts and spent more time with their daughters' children than their sons'. No idea if it's true though.

I have no personal experience... my DB has no children, and my DH has no sisters.

[MadisonAvenue]

We always tried to include my MIL but she hasn't exactly shown much interest in our children whereas she's always been there for SIL's family.

For instance, the junior school that our children went to always used to put on what they called "The Grandparents Show" in Year 3, to coincide with learning about World War Two. Only grandparents were invited and it consisted of the children singing songs from that period. MIL wasn't interested in going because, she said, she wasn't born until after the war had ended so therefore didn't have any interest in it and wouldn't have known the songs. No, but she'd have known one of the children who was there singing for his grandparents and would've liked to have seen her there.
However, she drove 200 miles especially to see one of SIL's children in a school play.

Before SIL moved away, MIL quit her job to look after her eldest grandson when he was born. Any time we've asked her to babysit she's accepted but it's never done just out of love for her grandchildren and to help out her son and myself, she always expects us to do something for her in return.

[Cineraria]

I'd agree that this is often the case but luckily we really haven't experienced it, although my very lovely MiL said something about understanding that I'd want my mum around more and that the dad's mum needed to take a back seat in the early days. Fortunately she soon realised that this wasn't what any of us were hoping for and visits frequently. It is so lovely seeing how much she loves DS, who looks just like photos of DH at the same age, and how excited he is to see her. My mum has much the same relationship with him at the moment. I think MiL does still spend more time with SiL's daughter but that is because she is older and can visit MiL by herself for a few days in the school holidays, whereas DS is still a baby.

DB doesn't have children yet but I'd imagine that how close my mum is to them in comparison to her relationship with DS will depend more on distance than the fact he is her son. He lives overseas at the moment but if he moved back, she'd want to be as involved as possible without being a nuisance.

[Showgirl109]

So interesting I was just thinking this yesterday. We have a newborn and although both parents live the same distance away we see my parents (and whole family) so much more. I like my MIL and have no issues with her. I almost feel a little guilty that my parents have so much more contact as she was desperate for a grandchild and always offers to babysit.

For us I think it's as simple as I communicate with my parents and he his and I have always spoken to, seen and organised things with my family more. I just don't ring mil for a chat or invite her over, that falls to her son and he although they are close he just dosnt do it. (My brother is the same with my parents) Im interested to see how this evolves over time.

[GotItInfamy]

My widowed MIL has 3 sons and 1 daughter, all with children. She massively favours her (only) daughter and the daughter's two dds. She sees us all regularly, so it's not a case of more interaction. It's noticed by the others but has never been discussed with her for fear of ructions.
My mother has only one grandchild (mine) so have no comparison there.

[milkmilklemonade12]

Wow. This thread is incredibly depressing if you're a mother of a boy

[kateclarke]

I ony have the one daughter who has recently come out. Obviously I love her for who she is and have no problems with it whatsoever. It does feel very stange that I may have a grandchild who is not carried by her and I may end up having a dil who wants her mum to be more involved than me.

[Purplehonesty]

I'm the opposite. My mil adores my children. Dm does too but the whole in law family absolutely dotes on my two DC.

If given the choice my DC would rather go to the inlaws

[Tryingtostayyoung]

My DD definitely spends more time with my DParents (especially my mum) because I'm a SAHM mum and she lives locally; so we see her on average twice a week (sometimes three).

MIL lives 45mins away and she normally comes to us once a week for dinner after work for a couple hours.

In regards to babysitting I think it's split pretty evenly between them as if I need time in the week I'll ask my mum but if it's on the weekend I'll ask MIL. I would say that DD's relationship is excellent with them both although it is more natural and relaxed with my mum but I do think it's something to do with personalities. DD is very much like me so my mum has the same dynamic with her as with me whereas my mil is entirely different and sometimes that creates a barrier. I do think with children it's what you put in.

[liquidrevolution]

Totally agree with this. DSIL lives 3 hours away and i live 15 mins away and they babysit more for SIL. My DM lives 4 hours away from me and she is my emergency babysitter . Mind you MIL did accuse me of poisoning her poor precious grandaughter when she was 10 days old which is why I don't go out of my way to visit them . And because ILs spoil golden grandchild DN he is a right wingebag whereas DD is really chilled and couldn't care less (DD is 3 months younger). I think keeping them away from DD is a good thing .

[user1471734618]

my parents = one parent and one stepparent = have no interest in my brothers children whatsoever, absolutely zero.
they used to be good to my children when they were small but my sisters younger babies have taken over.
Mind you if my brother hadnt gone around looking like he had a bad smell under his nose for all those years, things might have been different,.

[willowtreecottage]

My Mil does this.
Even gloats about it, and rubs my DH's nose in it.
Spending a small fortune on the Grandkids,then coming up with a completly absurd reason why.
We are talking cars, for her daughter's - and a second hand sandwich maker for her son's.
If it wasn't so upsetting & unfair - it would be comical.

[Sassypants82]

In my experience, in my own family, no. They're equally close and we see them as much as each other. I think of my nieces & nephews it's similar. But I can definitely understand how it could happen. I'm very comfortable with my in laws, but if course I'm totally, utterly & completely comfortable with my own parents and of course I'm closer to them, but my DC I would say is equally close to all grandparents.

[Charlieismydarlin]

Oh this is so sad! I do think there is an element of truth in it.

Not in my case as my own mother is absolutely zero help in terms of childcare whereas my MIL will get a bus for an hour and a half each way just to see them. They have built a really strong bond with her - and we get in well. This has led my own mother to feel left out but she is happy only to spend 5 mins with them before getting bored!

My MIL has a daughter who just had her baby and hasn't "switched" her feelings so I feel very grateful.

[milpool]

It was certainly true for us growing up. Not for DH though, he was much closer to his paternal grandparents.

In an ideal world I'd like my children to be equally close to both sets of their grandparents, especially as both live really close. I can already see a bit of a gap forming though. But I think it's because DH doesn't make the same effort for DD to see his parents as I do for her to see mine.

[puglife15]

YANBU, sadly. But geography plays an important part too.

My parents live a long way away and we see them maybe 5-6 times a year. They are closer to my DSIS children as they live v close by. I think they'd help us out a lot more if we were equally close by.

My PILS are of the "you're closer to your daughter's children" belief and despite DSIL getting loads of support from her own MIL with her children and being in a much more fortuitous situation than us (ie doesn't have to work and has an au pair), helps her out way more with childcare than she does us. It's clear to me that she favours the other GC too.

We are down the pecking order with both sets of grandparents. Yet we are the ones most in need of help. It fucking sucks.

[Stevefromstevenage]

Not necessarily true in our case. DHs parents dote on our children as they are the only grandchildren. I do live closer to my own parents and they love ours to bits but it is pretty equal.