Wedding related AIBU

[HeeHee]

I have another thread relating to this, but have started a new one to ask this particular question.

Last year my partner and I were invited to a - no children allowed - wedding of a friend of his taking place this summer (DP being a groomsman). Not an extremely close friend, but someone he has known for over a decade, and who I have met before. Some point later I became pregnant, and as it turned out the wedding was to take place 4 and a bit weeks after my scheduled c-section. I had a conversation early on with DP that it may be better for me not to attend, but we agreed that we would see how things go.

Fast forward 9 months later after a baby and a full recovery, out of the blue DP informed me I could no longer attend. He 'assumed' that due to the conversation above I didn't want to go, and so he declined my RSVP. It was too late to change it he said, he apologised and that was that. To note the groom really has been a groom from hell, ordering my DP and the other groomsmen around, being rude, bratty and even insisting DP pick up his suit only days after our baby was born, with no acknowledgement that I was still in hospital with him.

On a separate note I have been feeling very sad and resentful about being so often indoors with the children, especially on warm summer days, and the upcoming wedding has been a focus of animosity, as it would have been the only excuse in the near future for DP and I to get dressed up and spend the day together without the kids. DP has been out himself, with friends, and of course has done lots of running around for the groom. On the eve of the wedding and after an argument DP disappeared, came back and said he had 'sorted it'. I could go, but would have to be ready for 10am, with no outfit, hair not done, no accessories etc. and that we couldn't sit together! I told him I could not be ready with no notice and asked him why he wasn't able to sort this out weeks ago!

It turns out that I was in fact uninvited to the wedding way back when on the basis that the groom didn't know me well enough. Out of all the groomsmen, I was the only spouse who had been uninvited. DP called the groom on the eve and said if I couldn't go, he would not. But he still ended up going and didn't tell me the truth until after the wedding.

AIBU to be both extremely hurt and annoyed? He left me alone at home after seeing how miserable I have been to go and support his friend, who didn't even want me there. He has again apologised, but after the fact it doesn't really mean anything now.

Thanks Edmund, but I'd accepted the invite as far as I knew.

Wam - DP knew I wanted to go I had never said otherwise. The only thing that upset me was assuming that I did not, based on a brief conversation. When in fact I had no chance of going anyway.

Sounds like a cock up tbh. Groomzilla sounds like a selfish cock. Sounds like your DH was embarrassed about the uninvite (who the fuck does this) and tried to cover it up (badley) then tried to rectify the situation in a bloke way (you've got loads of dresses, just have a quick shower in the morning kind of way). Your DH knows his friend had been a dick. Just move on. But may be try and address why you have felt so down and felt trapped. Get a baby sitter and go out with DH. You can get dressed up without his twatty mate being there making unreasonable demands all day throwing girly strops as prob happened at the wedding

Not the point of the thread but...

Wedding party

1. Maid/Matron of Honour
2. Best Man
3. Bridesmaid(s)
4. Groomsman/men
5. Ushers (occasionally, mine had none)

1 - 4 stand up at the wedding while it's all going on
5 only escort people to their seats

An usher and a groomsman are not the same thing at all.

^ I'm guessing that's American, sykedelic.
Sounds tacky, like a bloody circus says the person that had 8 bridesmaids, bf, my nieces and his nieces.
Think you dodged a bullet there, OP.

the upcoming wedding has been a focus of animosity, as it would have been the only excuse in the near future for DP and I to get dressed up and spend the day together without the kids.

Who was going to have the kids while you were at the wedding? Why do you need an excuse?! Use the sitter and sort yourselves an afternoon/evening out together each month or so. The 'excuse' is that it keeps you both sane! Forget about the wedding stuff. Not worth the angst.

Tiggery TBH my sisters wedding (Australian) did not include ushers, never heard of them till I moved to the US. Mine didn't have ushers 'cause, like I said, I'd never heard of them so it didn't enter my head for it to be an option.

I personally consider an "usher" to be that position that someone is given when they're not good enough to be part of the normal bridal party (i.e. groomsman). Of course I might just feel that way because SIL had my DH/her brother as an usher and it totally felt like an afterthought rather than something special and designed so I didn't try and be in any photos (no joke, not ONE and we'd been married almost 3 years by that point) she filed for divorce before their 1 year anniversary

The uninvite was shirty. However, I think you're generally being unreasonable. You say you probably won't go because of the baby - then suddenly change your mind and throw a strop because people who, by your own admission, don't know you that well, hadn't put their plans on hold to incorporate you when you decide, with weeks to go, that you will grace their wedding with your presence after all. The main reason apparently being that you fancy a day out in a posh frock.

I really dislike this idea that, once you're in a couple, there's no way one of you can do anything the other isn't included in.

I don't really understand why the day before wouldn't be enough notice either.

The only thing that upset me was assuming that I did not, based on a brief conversation.

Gosh, surely taking back the invite is worse than miscommunication (which it seems it was). They took back the invite and your DH didn't want to hurt your feelings when you are pregnant/with newborn so takes the bullet and thinks maybe it'll be ok because she may not want to go anyway. You seem more upset that you feel he made a decision for you than seeing he was trying to not let you get upset (irony)

Regardless of what you think about this "friend", your DP obviously liked him enough to want to be a groomsman (whatever that is) and attend his wedding. It was a bit shitty to uninvite you having already first invited you, but if the bride and groom had to cut numbers for whatever reason (over budget, perhaps?) then it makes sense to cut the people they didn't really know. Should your DH have told you? I'm on the fence, as it sounds as if he might have been trying to spare your feelings - a white lie, rather than a big lie out of malice.

DP's ultimatum to the groom about inviting you indicates how much pressure you put him under, and whilst getting a wedding appropriate outfit together for the next morning without notice is a bit of a stretch, I can totally understand how a bloke wouldn't get that. He tried to do a nice thing, and you sulked. Again. Now, I'm not saying I wouldn't have done the same thing, but it doesn't make it reasonable.

I think both you and the groom have been unfair to your DP about this whole mess. However, I suspect your DP might have neglected your general needs outside this wedding and you've been using it to vent. Accept that the wedding is over and was a bit of a car crash for all concerned. Speak to your DP about the importance to you of spending alone time together, and more generally, you getting some time away from the kids.

Are you on maternity leave, or are you a stay at home parent? If you're so miserable at home, it may be worth looking for a part time job even if the childcare results in zero profit, just so you can get some interaction with adults. Something to debate with your DP.

Why would you want to go to a wedding where you were uninvited and where your DH had to beg for permission for you to attend. I would feel so awkward and unwelcome, it sounds horrible and cringy. Chances are your DP would be caught up doing goomsmaid duties and you'd be left talking to deaf aunt Maud anyhow ( I've been there)

Maybe plan some time to yourself or with DP doing something you might actually enjoy.

Is it possible that there was an issue with numbers (I.e. mistakenly invited too many people or someone thought they couldn't go but then could) and the couple needed to uninvite someone to make it work? If so, your DP may have already mentioned you weren't sure if you could make.it and the groom.maybe then thought you wouldn't really mind being uninvited because you didn't seem that keen? Potentially he has made a flippant remark to Dp about it along the lines of "well she didn't want to come anyway and I don't know her that well, so..." and your DP has realised he cocked up a bit and so emphasised the bit about him not knowing you very well? It may well not be the case but there has been a bit of Chinese whispers here so it's hard to know exactly what happened.
You say they are not very close but if the groom chose him to.be a groomsmen perhaps he sees your DP as closer that your DP sees him, so maybe that's why he didn't want to let him down by not attending?

YABU and not very fair to your DP. I agree with pp that the wedding is a red herring.

Do you really think your DP could have gotten out of the wedding at such short notice when he's a groomsman? It does sound like he was trying to spare your feelings regarding the disinvitation (his friend does sound like a d*ck but that's another matter).

Congrats on your baby and hope you feel better soon!

sykadelic any wedding I've ever been to had best man, bridesmaids, usually including a chief bridesmaid, and ushers (mine were his doldier mates, also a great way to keep nephews occupied). Flower girls a newer thing, my smallest two bridesmaids wore cream with sashes to match the bigger ones dresses but were still bridesmaids. Not convinced with the ushers being 'lesser'. They were literally ushers though, helping people to seats, giving out order of services and hymn books. But we don't have groomsmen, guessing Australian weddings are more American then. When do your bridesmaids come in? Here it's after the bride, they are brides'maids' after all. Attendants should bring up the rear. This is a thread all of its own.

Yabu, quite exhausting and causing unnecessary animosity between you and your DH.

• you said you probably couldn't go, they couldn't hold a place for you on the off chance you could go, then waste the space/money/opportunity to invite someone else if you couldn't
• the groom didn't want you to go, it doesn't matter than you're the only spouse of the groomsmen not there, if the groom barely knows you why would he want you there? why would you want to be involved in the day of someone who you barely know? You seem to only see their wedding as na opportunity for you to get dressed up and go out.

Your DP going to a wedding isn't keeping you indoors on warm sunny days, you can go out and do things without him. Someone else's wedding shouldn't be your only reason why you can get a babysitter and go out for the evening together.

Tiggery yeah it probably is :P

I've seen it done 2 ways

1. (Main) the groomsmen walk with the bridesmaids (arms linked etc)
2. the groomsmen are all waiting with the groom/best man as the bridesmaids walk down (alone, one-by-one) and then the bride.

It sounds like you guys actually have groomsmen but call them ushers, whereas ushers here are a different thing (and do NOT stand with the groom).

sykadelic typically in the UK only the best man stands with the groom and bridesmaids walk on their own. It is still considered a high honour to be an usher though, so maybe status wise it is the equivalent of a groomsman. It is usually the groom's closest friends/male relatives from either side after the best man.

For me, I think you have the right to be upset and it's not being childish!

DH could have handled the situation better.

First, he should have told you straightaway the real reason why you were not invited, with that then at least you are not expecting anything.
Second, you said you were the only partner not invited, hmmm, maybe your dh didn't really want you to go as he didn't ask/ insist if he can bring you in the beginning when he knew he will be an usher ?

Lastly, wjy would he make a last minute call to the groom like a child ' if she's not coming, I am not' - then later on he still went? Erm?!

Oh well, again that is just me

If be disappointed that he wasn't honest. However he was probably just trying to protect your feelings.

Can't you just organise a child free day together another time if that's what you need. The wedding is irrelevant really, it's just a do and you don't know anyone. It's unkind to uninvited someone. However, there are nobody to you.

DH should just go and enjoy his day. Them arrange a nice day out for you two.

As pp have said, you sound stifled at home with the kids and regardless of whether your DP should have handled things better, the wedding is a red herring - you need to move on and focus on ways to alleviate the SAHM pressures niggling at you, whether by getting DP to do more at home (eg can he babysit the 5 while you go out with friends for a couple of hours), or getting some external help. Grandparents?

You both sound miserable .
You have "five children between you " do they all live with you or do some visit ? You had childcare for the wedding available to be able to attend at less than 24 hours notice so it doesn't sound like you have all five full time so it isn't clear why you can't go out as a couple for an evening paying for your own meal. Unless your partner works seven days a week why can't you go out for days as a family on one of his non working days , most people have two of these every week.

The whole wedding invite thing sounded really odd , He's close enough to be an usher yet you don't really know they but felt you could mess them around enough to expect them to put your invitation on hold until you decided. The reality was probably more like they told your OH months ago that they needed to know for sure one way or the other which isn't unreasonable for a wedding especially someone they barely know. He got it wrong but maybe you need to ask yourself why he couldn't tell you it wasn't reasonable to expect people you don't really know or whose wedding you don't care about to treat you as a special case with your lack of decision. Most people close to a B&G wouldn't mess them about let alone an acquaintance .

This all sounds a bit childish. If you want a night out as a couple then arrange it , if you want family days out then have them , if you aren't that bothered unless someone else is arranging them or paying for them, then don't.

How old is the baby? 4 weeks? Where was the baby going to go?

Secretmetalfan - Your post made me laugh! I think you hit the nail on the head there in all areas.

It may be childish for some, but so are about 90% of threads on AIBU, so I guess I fit right in.

Just to clarify the other posts, I DID accept the invite and at no point did I express to anyone that I wasn't going to go. Myself and DP discussed the possibility of complications after a caesarean. I didn't 'change my mind'!

• The groom and my DP are NOT close friends. But they have known each other for years, and DP was surprised at being asked to be a groomsman.

• DP obviously knew for months that I was unable to go, but didn't tell me that. He told me that it was MY FAULT I couldn't go, as I hadn't RSVP'd, which is why I had been 'sulking'. There are obviously other contributing factors as to why I was upset, not simply that I had my heart set on going to this wedding.

• Of course if I knew I wasn't welcome I would not have wanted to go! That is the point of my thread. I don't know why he didn't just tell me, and why he still went even after the groom was consistently disrespectful to him. But he is very often a doormat when it comes to his friends, so I'm not surprised.

• We have two sets of parents between us, they can do childcare with advance notice, but as I said due to the nature of my DP's job he has now used up all his time off until the end of the year - there are no further chances for us to go out as a couple.

Groomsmen side note. In the IS they have far more etiquette and rituals for weddings so those that do it the traditional route have a lot more jobs to hand out and events over days.

U.K. I think people just use the term for ushers. Most ushers include the mc etc and people just have extra roles rather than separate.