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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think we weren't wrong

52 replies

toastymarshmallow · 28/08/2016 13:47

DH has this friend. They were best friends since primary school, lived together in late teens/early twenties etc.

Just after DH met me his friend met his now wife. He fell off the face of the earth for a couple of years, changed his number etc. He then showed up again, messaging occasionally, but still really sporadic and he would often start a conversation on messages and when DH replied he would not reply again for months.

We got married, he was best man. His OH came and sat there all day with such a face on. She was rude to other people, she was in and out even during the meal and speeches. TBH on the day I didn't notice it much but a LOT of the guests mentioned it to me after, especially those on the same table. DH was annoyed as his BM had to keep running off after his OH. He told me a few weeks after the wedding that the reason she had been so annoyed was because she wasn't sitting at the top table with BM.

After that we saw/heard even less from him. They had a child, and then they got married. DH was BM. We all went to the wedding (DH me and 2 DCs) but we had to pay for our own meal (WTF??). We invited them round a few times, the friend would come but his wife didn't.

Then he arranged to meet DH for a few drinks, it was supposed to be just them. DH went and the friend's DW had tagged along last minute. She sat there the whole time giving DH dirty looks and making it all really awkward.

That was a year ago. Recently the friend has been messaging again, pretty consistently. DH seemed to be happy with it, it was going well. So I suggested we invite them to go to the zoo with us. They said yes (to our surprise) and we all went to the zoo with the DCs. IMO we had a nice time, we were all chatting away, there didn't seem to be an atmosphere or anything.

A few weeks ago the friend mentioned an event to DH, said they were thinking about going, would we like to go. We said yes, and they said they would confirm if they were going. It was on yesterday. On Wednesday DH messaged and asked were they going, and the friend said he still wasn't sure, but probably not.

Yep, they went. Now DH is angry at me for inviting them to the zoo in the first place. I know he is hurt and later he will apologise to me, I am not worried about that really.

But AIBU to think that enough is enough now? I wasn't wrong to invite them to the zoo, but now we should just stop making any effort as they have made their feelings really clear? I just know that we won't hear from his friend now for a month, and then he will be messaging DH again and DH will be pissed off about the whole thing. I can't tell DH who to be friends with, but if one of my friends treated me like this I would just cut them out and I wish DH would do the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
toastymarshmallow · 28/08/2016 14:32

I purposely didn't mention my opinion of their relationship, because we actually think there are some MH issues at play with her and we have been trying to be understanding.

But yes, it is a case of her trying to distance him from his family and friends. DH has heard from his friends family that the friend tells them it is DH that ignores him and doesn't make any effort, and I have been told that she was telling people I am a control freak. All very bizarre and absolutely not true. But that was years ago and we thought they seemed in a better place now and had maybe matured a bit. Clearly not.

DH has been very careful not to speak against her to his friend, or tell him to leave, but at one point did offer him our spare room, and told him the child was welcome too. Who knows, maybe he told his DW that when they made up and now we are even more the enemy, but again that was years ago, and there were no issues at all at the zoo.

OP posts:
UnGoogleable · 28/08/2016 14:36

Be very careful about offering advice or support in these circumstances - as you've already seen, it can be misconstrued as you meddling or trying to turn him against her. You're not, of course, but he may very well report back to her when you've offered a spare room etc, which will further cement her dislike of you.

Just let your DH be his friend, be there to listen if he needs him, and tell him he's always welcome.

2kids2dogsnosense · 28/08/2016 14:37

toasty Sounds like a bit of projection going on here. She's attributing her own behaviour and motives to you and your DH.

Keep your distance if you can, without any outright animosity.

Original poster
toastymarshmallow · 28/08/2016 14:38

That is totally my stance on it UnGoogleable. I intend to fully stay out of it now and I have told DH as much.

But I know that in a months time there will be another message and it will all be dragged up again and I am not about to ignore my husband when he wants to chat to me about something that is bothering him.

I have said that to DH Arf. Actually, I have been saying it for a while. DH is unwilling to do anything that is confrontation-like.

OP posts:
Original poster
toastymarshmallow · 28/08/2016 14:45

I actually told DH after that that their row would be forgotten, but his offer of a spare room would be held against us forever!

He had been called at 9pm by friend, asked to come, friend was being ganged up on by her and her parents, things were getting heated, DH needed to walk in and diffuse the situation. DH went. Was there until 2am sitting in the car outside the house while his friend talked about taking the child and leaving for good.

The whole while the DW screamed at him from the bedroom to see to the baby in the living room, but the friend had the baby monitor with him so he was seeing to the baby/listening for the baby, while she did nothing upstairs. DH came home that night and paced the place. I told him the friend wouldn't leave and he needed to stay out of it. 6 months later they were married.

DH vowed he would never go again, and thankfully he hasn't needed to.

OP posts:
UnGoogleable · 28/08/2016 14:47

Oh definitely be there as a listening ear for your DH, of course. But just make sure that any messages he relays to his friend come from him and not you.

In my experience, women are far more ready to dislike other women, than other men. So she probably dislikes you more than your DH (sorry). Ergo she will likely take offense more readily at anything that comes from you, than comes from your DH.

He may decide to say something to his friend, or he might just let things roll. Does it bother him much that you don't do things together as couples?

UnGoogleable · 28/08/2016 14:49

From your latest post it sounds like your DH was getting dragged into things far too deeply. Being a listening ear to your friend is fine, but being called over to get involved in an argument into the middle of the night is not ok.

Original poster
toastymarshmallow · 28/08/2016 14:52

I know, but DH just though he was being there for his friend. Its been years since and it really did seem like they had turned a corner and were in a better place.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/08/2016 15:00

Sounds like a horrendous situation, and I agree that your best bet, as you have said, is just to back off and leave your DH to deal with it. Yes it's going to keep upsetting him, because it's his longterm friend - but that is his "choice" really, either be there every time his friend calls and risk getting upset, or cut him off and leave it.

I really wouldn't bother putting yourself out for them again though - just let your DH see his friend as and when, and leave yourself and your DC well out of it.

meck · 28/08/2016 15:02

Eve you expect the plus one of the best man to be at the top table?! Really?! I've never been to a wedding where that happened.

This thread is an eye-opener Grin I've only ever seen that happen. That the best man's wife/husband sits with them on the 'top table'

UnGoogleable · 28/08/2016 15:05

Your poor DH getting dragged into that.

Friends change, especially when relationships are involved. As long as he keeps up the contact in whatever way is easiest, they'll weather this.

And you can feel relieved that you no longer have to try and force a relationship with the sour faced biatch. Not your problem. (I realise I'm projecting a little here on my feelings for DHs friend's GF. I cannot stand the woman and I'm delighted that I'm off the hook from ever having to socialise with her again!)

UnGoogleable · 28/08/2016 15:06

I've been to a wedding where my boyfriend at th e time was best man. I didn't sit at the top table, and I didn't expect to.

In fact, thinking about it, I don't think any wedding I have ever been to has had the +1s of the bridesmaids and best man at the top table. The table would have to be massive!

meck · 28/08/2016 15:09

+1s Grin I love that!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/08/2016 15:11

I've been to a wedding where there were 2 best men because the groom couldn't pick between them, and neither of their girlfriends were on top table with them. Only one of them kicked off about it though - but she was ignored. Plenty of people she did know there, so she was seated with them anyway.

My brother wasn't best man at my sister's wedding but was still going to be put on top table (not usual) until his GF kicked off about it - end result was brother was not on top table.

LellyMcKelly · 28/08/2016 15:13

No, the best man's wide doesn't sit at the top table, neither do the groomsmen' wives, bridesmaids/matron of honour's husband. The top table would be the size of France.

Happyinthehazeofadrunkenhour · 28/08/2016 15:29

They've been given enough chances, I would prob cut ties. People are weird!

Sillybillybonker · 28/08/2016 15:49

It sounds like she doesn't like her husband having friends. Let your DH and him sort it out between themselves. It is a shame that DH's friend has married a very difficult woman.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/08/2016 16:18

OP, it's a no win situation, trust me. For whatever reason 'friend' is now entwined with his wife. My DH's BFF just wants to be 'a husband', he wants to be married. He puts up with unbelievable shit (thank God no children) just for the sake of being able to say 'My wife'. DH has spoken frankly to him and he'll admit she's a nightmare one minute, the next his FB page is simply crammed with 'loved up' pictures and nauseating drivel about how happy they are. DH has given up. Basically told him that we'll always love him like a brother (I used to jokingly call him my 'husband without benefits' as we were very close, too) but that neither of us can stand seeing the way she speaks to him in public nor the way she treats him in private.

DH has pretty much given up on him, saying he'll never leave. He's probably right, she's run through his considerable savings and they've been married long enough to claim on his pension. Right now it's 'cheaper to keep her'. I just pray (literally) that God will open his eyes and that he'll leave her. Even if he ended up living in a studio flat eating beans, he'd be happier.

Sorry if I've derailed. I guess my advice is to just back away, don't speak ill of him to your DH. Suggest that your DH learn to say 'no' to him when he calls him for help, because nothing he does will make him leave this woman. Otherwise, just sit quietly and nod.

It's a bit of an eye opener to see how many other posters have similar situations. I thought it was rare. Apparently not!

Topseyt · 28/08/2016 16:19

Backing off and leaving DH and his friend to find their own way if they still hope to be friends really is about all you can do. Any other way lies madness as the friend's wife sounds impossible.

I also actually think that your DH should be wary of getting sucked too far into their domestic arguments. He has made the offer of the spare room. He can reiterate that from time to time and ensure friend knows that the lines of communication remain open, but actually being present during the argument certainly wouldn't be my choice. It would worry me.

His call though.

TaterTots · 28/08/2016 17:17

My ex's best friend was dating a nightmare of a controlling woman who did her best to drive them apart. My ex was a mature student (teacher training) at the time and she would always be on at his mate (who was still doing a fairly menial job) about 'why can't you need more like Peter and try to better yourself?' - but at the same time it was 'You do know he won't want to be friends with you once he's got a decent job, don't you?' It did eventually work, sadly.

Memoires · 28/08/2016 18:26

Well, I reckon that the next time - if there is one - your dh goes to meet his friend that you should go too. If she's there, you stay, if she isn't, you say hi and go. Do you think you could keep her attention off her husband and yours for a whole evening? It would be a major kindness if you could manage it, give the guys a chance without her beady eyes and ears on them?

WhatamessIgotinto · 28/08/2016 18:35

*Do you think it boils down to your wedding when she was forced to sit with random people when she was BM partner.

Tbh I wouldn't have been happy with that.*

Why on earth would a partner of a BM expect to sit at the top table, that's ridiculous. By that token, you'd also have to do that for the bridesmaids. So at our wedding that would have meant an extra 5 people at the top table, 2 of whom I had never met.

Honestly, OP I would let it drop and if your DH wants to see him on his own then fine, but I wouldn't be getting involved.

dizzygirl1 · 28/08/2016 18:38

OK only going on one bit here! My DH was BM for his best friend. I sat on a table and knew no one..... no issues I just chatted to other people. I'm really shy and quiet but I managed it and I was 6 months pregnant so quite vulnerable! They are just being funny with you because they are weird.

PGPsabitch · 28/08/2016 18:46

I think she doesn't like your dh tbh. She's probably more indifferent to you op. That's why she tagged along with your dh and his mate because she doesnt like or trust your dh.

Your update when he stood up for his friend makes me more sure and I suspect the 'always have a room for you and your dc' has made its way back to her as well.

I would tell your dh the truth that you think he gets treated like crap and ends up doing the running but you understand how hard it must be to not make the effort. It's his choice to do as he wants with his friend but maybe he needs someone else to point out that it's not the behaviour of a friend

Original poster
toastymarshmallow · 28/08/2016 19:13

Well DH apologised a while ago, like I knew he would.

He is pretty hurt over this. He says he is going to let it fizzle out. Probably going to just ignore any messages from now on. Whether he actually will or not remains to be seen.

I think she just wants him all to herself and is going to find any reason to dislike anyone that gets in the way of that.

OP posts: