To think it's kinder to spend time with someone you find annoying than unfriend them

[dranaksjd]

I have a group of close friends. We all get on brilliantly and truly care for each other.

Recently I got back in contact with someone I've known from a young age. She can be attention seeking, selfish, a bit of a fantasist, and a user of people. But she can also be kind, loyal, supportive.

I wouldn't say she's a bad person, just lacking in social skills and has a lot to learn before she becomes someone others would want to be friends with. She has literally no one but me.

I invite her out with my friends sometimes but they have now asked if she can not be invited as she spends the whole time talking about her boyfriend she's met online. While we've tried to encourage other topics and teach her how to converse l,
she cannot seem to converse normally and her conversation is very draining.

She is also very attention seeking.

She started calling me her best friend and coming round to my house constantly which I found smothering.

I decided to meet up about once every month for a few hours as she has no one else and invite to a few social events where she can maybe meet someone else and have some company.

But I don't enjoy her company. I would be doing it for her.

My friends feel it's not my responsibility to be her source of company and I owe her nothing. They also said its not a lack of opportunities but her personality which is the reason she has no friend (this is true).

I've always continued meeting up but I'm beginning to think I'm being two-faced. My friends think if I don't really Like her or enjoy her company, it's kinder to not meet up at all as meeting up will make her think she has a friend.

Are they right? My heart was in the right place, but I guess I've done the wrong thing without meaning to.

Claims to went to I mean.

No she doesn't have Aspergers I don't think. I think she has low self esteem and gets obsessed with things. She also feels the need to lie about herself a lot.

I have a friend like you, she can't bear to leave anyone out or see someone lonely or abandoned but the friend she persists in including all the time is friendless for a good reason, she's rude, judgemental, self absorbed and rather nasty and has caused bad feeling and unpleasantness on several occasions. We've talked to her about it and suggested if she really wants to pursue the friendship with this woman then do it away from the wider group.

I'm not trying to be patronising. Just honest. I've tried to understand her that's all.

Is this actually a post about her, or you?

I very rarely now take her to group events as no one can stand her. But I meet up 1 on 1 with her.

How would you feel if someone you thought of as a friend not so secretly thought this way about you?
I would be gutted. And it will get back to her, since your friends already know.

I think op wanted to moan about her friend but wanted to appear 'kind'

I have a lot of sympathy with the OP because this is the kind of situation I tend to get myself into. The trouble now is that if the OP abandons her, this girl will have no-one except the boyfriend (if he exists). And let's not pretend that abandoning her is the "kind" thing to do - it would be very hurtful for the girl, even if it made life a bit easier for the OP.

Can't think of any solution other than moving to the other end of the country, however.

where did she go whilst out of the country? surely she made friends there

dont feel too much guilt she'll make other friends

She may or may not have a diagnosis (very few people know I have ASD), but you're saying she has obsessive-compulsive issues, low self-esteem, gets fixated on things, struggles socially....it's quite possible she does.

Do you actually want to be her friend? Its worth reading up about ASD to see if it fits and then you might find it easier to support her. The [[
taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/ Tania Marshall website]] is great (that's what I read that made me realise I have ASD before I got a formal diagnosis).

However, if she is simply too much like hard work, take a step back. I'd hate to think any of my friends didn't really like me and just felt sorry for me. I know I'm odd but my true friends appreciate me for who I am.

It's a bit of a red flag that no-one else can stand her and I think if you're only seeing her out of a sense of duty that will come through, which won't exactly help her self-esteem.
Does she work full time? Could you encourage her to sign up for evening classes, voluntary work or some kind of hobby to broaden her horizons? If she's crap with people, maybe volunteering at an animal shelter (for example) might give her a sense of purpose and some real experiences to talk about.

Yes of course it's being kind.

If you were not to be this person's friend from here on, you would not be setting her free to make 'real' friends. Clearly, she is completely alone because there are no mythical people out there who would be able to tolerate this kind of behaviour any more than your friends can.

The comments on this board are typical of the selfish, self-excusing culture that has created a culture of loneliness in our society.

She lies because she thinks you won't accept her any other way. She's online to her 'boyfriend' because she can't quite believe that someone wants to be close to her. She thinks you're her best friend because she's never had one and doesn't know how it would feel.

No, you shouldn't feel 'obliged' to carry on with this if you don't want to, any more than you should feel 'obliged' to give to charity or recycle. But we should all stop and ask ourselves if life is so short that we can really afford to give up on kindness.

Every so often there is a mumsnet thread full of people who can't make friends and don't know why they're always rejected. This is why.

Forgot to add: Who is any one of us to think that another human being has nothing to teach us?

I think you are letting yourself be too influenced by your group of friends.

There must be a reason you were friends with this girl in the first place and you say she is loyal, kind and supportive. I think there is good in everyone and you can overlook a person's shortcomings if they are a friend.

You don't have to cut her off, just limit the time you spend with her.
As pps have advised, you can kindly steer the conversation or ask her to stop with her lies. You're probably right, she is trying to impress your group of friends so no need to ask her to socialise with the group.

Ranking yourself as more superior to others based on education or earnings is dangerous ground though.

No it's not kind - although I do sympathise because I find these situations difficult, and I'm conflict avoidant. But really, everything Arfarfanarf says is SPOT ON.

Also you say she's not good company but she does have some good qualities - kind, loyal and supportive. But judging from your post - these are not enough to sustain a genuine friendship.

gone, lost, you've hit the nail on the head.

OP, it sounds like you and your friends do a hell of a lot of bitching about this poor woman. You are not her friend, stop deceiving her that you are. You're dressing this up as 'kindness' but actually it sounds like you go behind her back to be very nasty about her.

OP, I had a friend from school who was a fantasist. She invented a cool new stepdad (her parents were very much together), amongst other things. She was a nice girl, we just didn't have much in common in later years and it's strange when you don't know if what they're telling you is true.

I personally wouldn't be able to stay friends just for her benefit. If you decide to do so, I would suggest that when she starts talking about her boyfriend, change the subject. if she starts again, tell her you'd like to talk about something else. If she persists, get up and do something else or suggest you leave where you are.

Oh ffs shes on the spectrum because she talks about her boyfriend? Ridiculous but op id say tell her how you feel and be an adult about this im pretty sure i wouldnt want someone to be my friend outve pity that isnt even a friend

I'm mean because I just can't do this anymore. I can't do pretend friends so I don't. I used to and find myself all drained of it all.
I would kindly detach

I don't think it's kinder at all. You sound like my mum, she likes projects too and that's inevitably what she ends up seeing the person as: something to persevere with and encourage to change.

It never works. Mum just martyrs herself and frustrates herself and the people never get the chance to meet like minded people who would be better suited.

If you actually genuinely like this woman thats different but I don't get the impression that the liking outweighs the frustration and annoyance