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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel it's not worth going out, if it's after 3pm?

47 replies

GreyParrot · 26/08/2016 17:17

I had a baby a few weeks ago. I recovered sooner than I thought I would, and wanted to make the most of the summer holidays with my other children. I am feeling the baby blues, and really hate being 'trapped' indoors staring out the window. I have 4 children including the baby, and can't drive right now, so rely on DP for longer journeys.

DP has been out often since late in my pregnancy, he goes to the gym 5 days a week, has been out with friends, and this weekend will be attending a wedding I am not invited to (no children are allowed).

So far we have been out a handful of times, and it is always late in the day. As I'm up at 6am I am feeling resentful and upset that I have missed the best of the day and the warm weather. For example, a few days ago DP insisted we all go to the seaside a 2 hour drive away. Due to DP's faffing, we didn't leave the house until 2pm, arrived at the seaside for 4pm, and spent only a few hours there before having to leave to go home.

Today DP wanted to take the kids to the park 30 mins away. He promised we would set off early. He went to gym at 10, and then decided to go and get the car washed. He didn't get back until late afternoon. By the time the kids had had lunch (which they needed by then) it was after 3pm. I told him there was no point going, and have now left the house to have a breather at my mum's.

Am I being unreasonable in being upset by this? On top of the above life is also complicated by having a stepchild that constantly needs to be ferried between ours and his mum's at times that have no regularity. I feel like I have no life, and no time to ever enjoy myself. But to DP it is not an issue.

OP posts:

PovertyPain · 26/08/2016 18:02

It sounds you're married to a child, OP. It's all about what he wants and needs, isn't it? Nice for him to be able to look after his own health and weight, while you can't even get a minute to yourself. He needs to grow the fuck up and stop being so selfish.

SemiNormal · 26/08/2016 18:03

Has he always been such a selfish person or did this only happen after the 4th child was born?

Molehillfromamountain · 26/08/2016 18:06

If it's the 90 day plan I am thinking about it doesn't require that much gym time (I do it at home with a toddler and 5 month old ) meal prep is a faff but I do it at night when the kids are asleep. He's being selfish and YANBU, the idea is to change lifestyle, not just for 90 days but forever so it has to be sustainable for the whole family...maybe remind him of this!

ijustwannadance · 26/08/2016 18:07

No way I would want to go out at 3pm with for DC's including a new born when I had already been up since 6am.
Going the beach late is fine if you live near one but a 2 hour drive to get there at 4pm is ridiculous.

Sorry op but your DP is a self centred nob.

mumofthemonsters808 · 26/08/2016 18:07

I'm a morning person and if we are going anywhere I always go first thing, well about an hour after we wake up. I would not dream of going anywhere at 3pm, for me, the day is almost over, we are usually leaving places at this time and I often wonder why people would arrive this late. We all keep different time schedules, but if he were my OH I'd be insisting gym time was after the family day out. I'd even probably be very mean and insist he went when the kids were in bed.Put your foot down.

ijustwannadance · 26/08/2016 18:08

*four DC's

hotdiggedy · 26/08/2016 18:09

I know what you mean. You want to get up and out as early as you feel possible, even if its just for a couple of hours. Then you could go home while the sun is blazing and them perhaps go out again for an hour or two if you are up to it from 3pm.

I often feel the same, if you have had to hang around hours for people to be ready, you feel fed up by then and feel like the day has been wasted, therefore you dont want to go out anymore.

Mov1ngOn · 26/08/2016 18:17

We usually choose to go to thebeach at 3 less busy, miss the heat, take a tea-picnic or hotdogs/ buy chips. Arrive as some people leave. It's beautiful and perfect time.

However this isn't about that is it. Whats he doing mon-fri? Does he help in the evenings after work or is it gym then too? It does seem unfair he's at work in the week the. Out until 3 at the weekend. Is he aware he as a family or just oblivious??

LucyLocketLostIt · 26/08/2016 18:22

Your DP sounds breathtakingly selfish. Sorry you are in this situation.

Bringmewineandcake · 26/08/2016 18:26

I don't think it's the going out at 3pm that's the problem, but having been up at 6/7am it's a very long wait before doing anything! If you were up at 10/11am then it wouldn't feel so bad. Yanbu OP, must be very frustrating.

happypoobum · 26/08/2016 18:48

DH sounds very selfish to me. Can't you go out earlier and he can go to the gym later?

It's not really on to be that self obsessed when you have a newborn and three other DC.

DeadGood · 26/08/2016 19:55

Wow, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. Your Dh went to the gym and then got the car washed? Jesus Christ! I would have been fuming sitting there at home.

I have to agree with other posters that your statement that you are "not invited" to the wedding is a bit much though.

Talk to your partner and also have a think about possible solutions. That way when you go to sit with your partner, it's not you saying "you need to make sure we all leave earlier" as he has shown he's not capable. It can be more like "if you are not prepared to go the gym later then I will be taking a taxi and leaving DCs 1 and 2 with you so I can get out at the time I have stated" - something like that.

DiegeticMuch · 26/08/2016 20:34

It doesn't really matter what we think about going to the beach at 3pm. The point is that you were waiting to go since breakfast time! He sounds very selfish.

I hope he won't be at this wedding from early in the morning until gone midnight, then spending the next day in the gym. A few hours away to see the couple marry and have a glass of champagne with them is plenty, when there is a very young baby at home.

This behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud. It's time he grew up.

Ameliablue · 26/08/2016 20:38

3pm is fine for going out for a little while close by but I don't that is the issue here. Your oh is being very selfish.

2rebecca · 26/08/2016 21:14

I agree that gym can be done on an evening. If you want to go for a day out then give a clear time when you are leaving. Leaving at lunch time or after lunch isn't a day out.
I don't get why you partner requires "loads of foods" if he's trying to lose weight. Can't he just eat less and buy more veg and salad stuff.
You need to agree exactly what you are doing on your holidays/ weekends if "a day out" means nothing to him.
Be prepared to go places without him.

eggyface · 26/08/2016 21:22

Children are usually climbing the walls by 10am. With 4 I can't see how you manage them until late in the day. And a new baby! I think it's incredibly rude and unhelpful to opt out of parenting until late afternoon. Yanbu. He should be ready, on, presenting himself for parenting, from 6am any day he's not working. And sod the gym. This isn't the time in your lives for personal projects. He'll have years to do that shit. If he's got the kids eow if you leave him...he won't be at the gym then, will he?

pontificationcentral · 26/08/2016 21:33

I get that the do is being an arse, but I don't fully understand why you need him to be able to leave the house? If he was working from 8-5 then you'd have the kids on your own anyway.

There are two issues here I think - the do being a selfish that, but also the op feeling like she can only do stuff with the kids when he is available?

How old are your other kids, op? Old enough to help with the baby and toddler, or young enough for you all to get out and go to a mum's and tots/ soft play/ playgroup scenario?

Staying inside is a sure fire way to get horribly depressed - definitely start to get out more on your own as well as sorting out the gym bunny. You don't need him to leave the house?

CatherineDeB · 26/08/2016 21:33

If I had been looking after a newborn, toddler and two other children alone since 6am I would, categorically p, not be going anywhere appt 3pm.

You must be knackered OP .

CatherineDeB · 26/08/2016 21:34

At 3pm!

Artandco · 27/08/2016 06:23

It's not sustainable him doing that forever is it?

He needs to change his routine. Get a jogger buggy, he can take toddler in and go for a run each day and stretch etc with toddler.

Then you can take older two out with baby in sling for a play in park at least

Needs to dinner prep for all of you first thing or in evening.

Then most the day you can do something together

JudyCoolibar · 27/08/2016 07:00

The issue seems to me this fitness obsession. If it's a 90 day plan, how come he's been on the diet for several months? With four children including a baby and a child prone to meltdowns, going to the gym 5 days a week is totally unreasonable unless he does it during work hours, and his "need" to exercise on certain days should have been put on the back burner at least till the baby is more manageable. As Artandco suggests, he needs to rethink his exercise so that it incorporates taking the children with him when he goes out, and getting more exercise by doing housework.

CatherineDeB · 27/08/2016 07:36

I think the issue is more than his fitness obsession! Lack of consideration for the poor OP.

I think you need to get tough OP - you have recently had a new baby and in your own words 'recovered' quickly. I think it is really unreasonable to expect you to look after everything, four children, baby in the night, etc., etc. - and be up for a late afternoon trip to the beach/park.

You and your wellbeing/making everything easier for you should be your DH's prime consideration at the minute.

I really feel for you.

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