Is it me? Mother issues

[KaosReigns]

Backstory 9 week old DD is sick, and we have spent the day hiding in bedroom which is the only warm room in the house. I also have not slept or had a cup of tea. DP makes me a cup of tea every day when he gets home, I have been counting down the minutes until this.

DP arrives home, hear two voices. Mother's voice screaches "Hello Kaos" throughout the house, I don't respond as the baby is asleep on me. DP pops head in for 2 seconds ascertains that DD and I are alive and is called away by DM. I await my tea.

30 minutes later I manage to slip DD in her own bed and emerge. DP is doing the dishes, he immediately informs me that he is not "allowed" to make tea he has to do the dishes. DM is stacking firewood. The oven is on, apparently DM has just put some pork on. DD wakes, I go tend.

An hour later I am hiding in bed with DD, DP just brought me a cup of tea, and every now and again I hear my name mentioned in their conversation.

AIBU to be pissed off.

She had no idea DD was sick, because she did not call ahead and mention she was coming she just showed up. She does this at least twice a week, but she always brings gifts so Im not meant to find it annoying as all hell in fact I have to play thankful that she is here for an hour as soon as DP gets home and my house is filling with things we don't need or want.

I don't want pork for dinner, in fact I have chicken in the fridge that really must be used today. I have home made KFC seasoning, and I had a bloody good excuse to pop to the supermarket for 5 minutes me time and a nice dessert. Now the chicken salad I had been looking forward to is no more, the chicken is going bad and no dessert or me time for me.

The dish the pork is in is one I avoid at all costs because it is a bitch to clean. She forced DP to wash a baking tray that I do not wash (use baking paper) because it is hollow and full of holes and ends in a kitchen covered in rusty water, she has the same one at home but forgot...

I still haven't had a chance to talk to DP about last night which included a hospital visit for DD. And all I want to do is cry about the fact that Im hiding alone in my bedroom waiting (an hour and a half so far) for her to leave so I can have my house back.

So AIBU to be this upset by what is in short her showing up with firewood and dinner then cleaning my kitchen (or forcing DP to at least).

you can't leave DD all day and are waiting for a cup of tea all day, but when it doesn't arrive you do manage to leave your DD and come downstairs to investigate its non-arrival?

Are you really in the bedroom "all day", or "what feels like most of the day"; have you really had "no sleep" or "a lot less than you'd like."

Sorry to sound as if I am nitpicking but people often use these expressions non-literally but on the internet it comes over as literal as we don't know you or your circumstances. Then bits of the OP look odd, eg I have quite a bit of time on my hands at the moment but there is no way I have got the time to make hand-made KFC seasoning, so it all seems a bit odd.

Anyway - your Mum is clearly trying to help, even if the help is not precisely what you needed. If she didn't come over at all you might be posting "I've been stuck in with sick DD and have heard nothing from my Mum!"

You do sound quite vulnerable and anxious - have you a Health Visitor equivalent where you live you can talk to?

Sorry to post and disappear. Ok I'll accept that IABU. To be fair the reason I couldn't make my own cup of tea is that my kitchen was overtaken and I would have been barging around them cleaning.

No I'm not depressed just stressed (and even then only over the past 24 hours). There is backstory, she is not my mother but actually my MIL who hated me (and bribed DP to leave me) until I had her grandchild. I have seen her more in the past 9 weeks than in the entirety of our 5 year relationship, and every time is because she has just shown up on our doorstep.

She then cuddles my child ignoring when DP and I say shes hungry or tired. Last week DD had tears running down her face and MIL told her it was not a real cry and tried to avoid giving her back. Earlier this week showed up just as I was putting DD to sleep, but because she wasn't asleep yet she had to have her cuddles which only ended when DD screamed in her face.

I can't complain in real life because she's my partners mother and I don't want to be that DIL, and I'm doing everything in my power to keep our relationship friendly (hence the lack of bitch fit over her appearances and ignoring me).

I didn't mention any of this because I know I am biased against her and wanted honest opinions of the situation not clouded by these facts as my opinion is. It is nice to have an impartial voice to tell me in this case I'm wrong to be frustrated and angry.

People keep saying the mother came over and helped by tidying and making dinner. Well no, she didn't she came over and instructed her son in law to do those things. How is that helping exactly?

YANBU OP, I feel like you're getting a rough ride. Maybe talk to your partner and let him know that your mother isn't welcome like this and could he run interference if you're not up to it.

Also please fuck off with vulnerable and anxious, I'm tired and a frustrated. I had literally no sleep, and stayed in our room literally all day (studying via correspondence, not sulking in bed) because it is the only warm easy to heat room for sick DD. Obviously left for bathroom and quick drinks, but DD wakes every time and gets upset and I didn't want to abandon her for the time it would take to get my precious tea.

Which isn't why I was actually upset (more a woman barging in to my house without warning and taking over) but a more tangible issue to focus on than the complex relationship/control issues. She didn't know DD was sick, so why would I be bitching she didn't contact me about it?

Ah. X post. You need to be telling this woman to get to fuck. As does your DH. Be that DIL or it'll only get worse.

Thank you Deus, DP is well aware of that distinction too and is pretty irate at being forced in to doing my jobs too. He had just completed 8 hours work, and suddenly has to do the dishes too. He also ended up doing most of the cooking.

This would drive me bloody insane, OP.

YADNBU. She is treating you and your family as an extension of hers: you will have pork for dinner, you will eat it at this time, you will clean the kitchen.

I'm anybody thinks this is acceptable. It isn't!

Oh dear, OP. Look, it sounds like you really don't like your MIL. And let's all be honest, it does make a difference that she isn't your own mum - if my mum did all this, I would know she was doing it to help me. If my MIL did all this, I would wonder whether it was implied criticism.

Tell her and your DP that it isn't appropriate for her to invite herself over and take over. End of. She needs to ask and give notice.

That being said, I think you also need to get a grip about leaving your DD on her own for five minutes while you get a cup of tea - it's not 'abandoning' her and the sarcastic 'precious tea' makes you sound like a bit of a martyr if I'm honest. You can't care for your daughter to the best of your ability by dehydrating and physically attaching yourself to her. Tea is a 3 minute job - just leave the baby to cry.

I don't spend all day every day in my room by the way just today because DD was sick. Normally I'd clean, go to baby group/visit friends, get the shopping done and function as a member of society. We just took today off from all that.

Dehydration will only make you more tired, frustrated and unhealthy. Get a drink for god's sake, stop playing the martyr!

Fair enough, OP. I think you need to take a step back from how upset you were yesterday. Speak to your DH and tell him he needs to set some boundaries with his mum, and if he won't, you will. Decide what you are and are not comfortable with (eg if you don't want her turning up unannounced, deciding what you have for tea, cleaning your kitchen) and make him tell her.

"is pretty irate at being forced in to doing my jobs too. "

Eh?

Why didn't he tell her to mind her own business re who does what & when?

Or do it herself if she's that bothered?

It sounds as if it's him that's the problem tbh.

She tried to bribe him to leave you-and he still sees her & allows her the privelege of seeing his daugter??

Spending all day in a room with a sick baby is something you can only do with your first of course. Maybe my attitude is hardened by having lots of kids. You its have to get on with it .