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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just wish I had my old life back?

16 replies

Thebean123 · 25/08/2016 01:01

Brief history.....

I'm 30 years old and lived in London for the majority of my 20's Young free and pretty much single. I'm originally from Wales and moved back at 29 following a career decision and if I'm honest, lack of other options. I happened to meet an amazing man who has 2 children. Never ever wanted step children but here I am......11months later living with said amazing man and children and not quite believing my luck.

We on the whole are very very happy. We share 50/50 custody of the kids and I am crazy about him. I enjoy my new job but have taken a MASSIVE pay cut. It doesn't really matter as the cost of living plus his wage means we get by quite happily how we are.

I suppose my AIBU is........

Am I a bad person to have finally found someone I love and want to spend my life with but secretly miss my old life? The life in where I could do what I wanted when I wanted.....spend what I wanted on what I wanted.....have time to spare with whatever I wanted to spare it on....and just be young free and careless again...?

Does anyone feel the same?

OP posts:

hazeimcgee · 25/08/2016 01:12

Think its normal. Grass looks greener outside the windw but too cozy having cuddles by the fire to really want to check it out - just look a bit wistfully at it from afar.

VioletBam · 25/08/2016 01:13

Well...if you're not married to this man, then on paper you should STILL be able to spend what you want.

They're not your children.

Cavogirl · 25/08/2016 01:18

Ok - so if you knew they wouldn't get hurt would you leave? If the answer is yes there might be a problem. If the answer is no it's absolutely normal. We all want what we can't have and it sounds like you would have a lot to miss. X

FayaMAMA · 25/08/2016 01:19

Totally normal! YANBU!

Right now I'm 24, a working student and mum to two DDs. Life is busy, stressful and carefully organised to the minute. I enjoy it; I'm studying what I've always wanted to study, I have amazing daughters and my job is fulfilling and creative and gives me a real sense of accomplishment. BUT sometimes I really miss my life before kids. When I fell pregnant I was travelling in Asia, doing whatever I liked whenever I liked and only ever had to think about myself - and felt very free. I miss it sometimes, and I occasionally resent my friends because they still live like that. It's perfectly okay. I felt guilty for a while, but after confiding with a friend I realised that the grass TRULY is always greener.

AnnaMarlowe · 25/08/2016 01:19

I think it's ok to grieve for your old life a bit. It's the recognition that a phase of life has passed and that you are getting old and moving on.

It took us years to get pregnant and two rounds of IVF. My twins were very, very much wanted.

While they were little I used to occasionally fantasise that I had a time machine where I could pop back to the days where I could get a full night's sleep or leave the house without a military operation.

I didn't in any way regret my babies but there was a sense of something close to grief for my old life for a little while.

I don't feel that way at all now.

AnnaMarlowe · 25/08/2016 01:20

Getting "older" that should be not "old". Oops

daisychain01 · 25/08/2016 01:26

sorry if this sounds harsh, but you do realise that while you're playing at 'happy families', there are DC involved who may be forming an attachment to you. They may not be your kids but being in their life does carry some degree of responsibility with it, esp. if you and they are resident.
It's all very well getting nostalgic about your freedom, doing what you want again etc, but maybe the time to have thought that way was before getting involved with someone with DC not afterwards?

It just seems incompatible with the big gush about how happy you are.

hazeimcgee · 25/08/2016 01:36

She's clearly said how happy she is - this isn't a should i leave thread is it just a does anyone else ever get nostalgic for how things were.

I adore DS but when he's thrown uo for the second time that day and he's poo'd so bad he's gassed half a nation and my friend in Australia heard it, i occasionally think back fondly to sitting for hrs alone in a coffee shop with a book and no responsibilty. Then i change his nappy, blow raspberries on his tummy, cuddle him and kiss his neck and thank god for my good fortune in having my baby

EttaJ · 25/08/2016 01:37

They're not your stepchildren, yet. Why should your spending change? All sounds very like playing house to me sorry .

BlueFolly · 25/08/2016 01:38

daisychain the OP is just saying she has conflicting feelings, that's all and is quite normal I think.

hazeimcgee · 25/08/2016 01:38

Of course her spending will change. New house, new job, new country, new life. Soending like she did before she had responsibilties would make her selfish

DeathAnTaxes · 25/08/2016 01:40

How the hell would she have known that before she did it daisy?

I don't think she gave it all up on a whim.

I feel the same way..I gave birth to the kids in question though. Don't worry I won't be sending them back...

HalfManHalfBiscuit · 25/08/2016 01:44

You might miss being 'young, free and careless', but sadly you can only get two of those back if you try. When the children are grown-up you can still go off and do what you want, but have someone you love there to share it with you.

OrsonWellsHat · 25/08/2016 01:47

You can have your old life back

Mummyshortlegz · 25/08/2016 01:47

I think it's a pretty normal way of feeling when you become a parent or step parent. Life has changed massively and you suddenly appreciate all that was before. You also appreciate what you have now but that doesn't mean you can't pine occasionally. My Dh and I often talk about not realising how much money and freedom we had.

Hidingtonothing · 25/08/2016 01:53

I think it can be a big jump from footloose and fancy free to a ready made family even if the DSC aren't with you all the time. I met DH in my mid twenties having been single for a couple of years and it was a shock to the system adapting to having his DC every weekend plus a night or two in the week. Mostly I loved it but there were times when I struggled with having no freedom to choose what I did with my weekends, it's a big change when there's no real transition period and totally different to going through pregnancy and having some time to adjust to how different your life will be with DC. So no, I don't think you're a bad person but I do think you have to be really sure you want the settled life with the person you love (who happens to come with DC attached), you have to be prepared for the long haul. I would be a liar if I said there haven't been times when I've struggled with it but I knew what I was signing up for and, in the long run, it's been worth pushing my own occasional feelings of missing my freedom aside to support DH and help give my DSC stability. My feelings do resurface every now again, even now, 15 years down the line when they're more or less grown up, they still come for tea twice a week and there are times I feel a bit restricted by that but then I look at it from DH's perspective and remind myself that he deserves to have the best relationship possible with his DC. You don't mention how you feel about the DC, do you enjoy being with them OP?

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