I really need to know AIBU for still being sad

[Stressedoldmom]

Ok, I'm finally ready to take on board opinions on this without collapsing in a tearful heap. My situation is this.
Two and a half years ago, my only child ( who has high functioning autism and adhd) had just started a course to help with self confidence and employability, was walking to fetch lunch with another pupil -a great first for him - when he was knocked over whilst crossing the road. Critically injured, air ambulance and put into roadside coma etc. Not sure if he'd live. Long story, but upshot was 14 weeks of hospital and rehabilitation. He has been left with a severe brain injury.
He can do personal care but his memory and processing have been affected and his social anxiety is worse than ever. He has also developed a rare sleep disorder. I am heartbroken for him. He receives DLA and Support group ESA. He spends all day every day in the house unless I make him go out somewhere with me. He says he is happy but I think he's lonely. His father isn't interested, we divorced years ago. So we are mostly alone and are very close.
Now to my question. At work today, a colleague said I should get over my sadness, that I should grateful he's alive and I should get on with my own life. I do work part time, try to get out once a month and am trying online dating but I can't shake the sadness for my boy and worry about the long term. I was hurt by what was said but wondered if she was being unreasonable for thinking that way or am I and should I try harder to snap out of it.
PS. I've had counselling and am on antidepressants. Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Thank you again for the further posts. Mcchicken, that's how I feel, like my son has been dealt so much shit to deal with. I had trauma counselling, as I couldn't forget him lying injured in the road and out of his mind in hospital, sometimes he didn't know who I was and attacked me. The more I think about today, the angrier I feel, as the colleague who said it lost her father a year ago and I've really tried to be supportive and offered comforting words when the year anniversary came round.
She was very kind when the accident happended and often asks how my son is, so I was surprised at what was said today.
My heart goes out to those posters who have had losses and have disabled children themselves x
Sorry, I've gone on and said more tha I meant to, but it feels good to get it off my chest.

Your son was critically injured on his first excursion out into the big, bad world with a friend. Even without the accident, he faced challenges in his journey towards independence.

The fact that the accident happened in the circumstances described would naturally intensify the anxiety and worry about his future.

I don't think it's in any way unreasonable to be sad and anxious, particularly when if are long term implications for your son that you can't predict.

Two and a half years is no time at all. You're entitled to have moments of sadness going forward. Your colleague sounds quite insensitive.

What a stupid woman. And what an awful thing to say to you. Surely if your child suffers as yours has done then it's normal to feel sad for them. Empathy? You love and want to protect them.
I'm so sorry she was so callous. Wishing you and your son all the best.

I'm not sure how to do the quote thing, but thank you so much for the advice, best wishes and book recommendation.
I'm not sure if supported living for him, in the future, at the moment I'm happy for him to stay with me for as long as he wants and needs to.

Just read your latest update OP.

I wonder if your colleague is suffering from a sort of "I know what grief is" misapprehension. The fact that she suffered a bereavement recently makes her feel that she is an authority on difficult subjects.

She isn't. What your son is going through is entirely different and you have everything right to feel as you do.

It does sound as though work may not be the place to talk these things through, which is a shame. Do you have anyone you could talk to?

Sorry for what has happened to your son. Could you maybe contact a local care company and see if they have any young lads (18/19) working for them that could come and do some companionship with him? I know a couple of blokes where I work do this and really love spending time with the people they do?

Maybe she was just clumsily trying to be positive. I'm sorry you feel so sad OP. xx

Two and a half years is nothing, hardly time to even process such a traumatic life change for you and your son. People do mean well but often say the wrong thing, particularly if they think they have had a comparable experience. Your colleague doesn't sound like they have much empathy. I've had various bereavements and negative things happen to me and can really only talk about them with friends who have had very similar experiences. Having said that, I think it is good that you talk about it honestly, both for you but also for them. Grief of different kinds is not openly discussed in our culture and it is good to change that. Do you think you can tell her that what she said has upset you and you'd like to clarify what her intention was?

Takes a very strong person to go through what you've been through. And you are getting through it. You get up in the morning you go about your day, you hold down a job and more importantly your there for your son. You are right to be worried about the future but it's obviously overwhelming you. I used to worry sick about my son. But he's doing ok. Try to focus on one day at a time

I think as well after reading other posters heartbreaking experiences on this thread, that there seems to be this pressure or expectation from others to 'get over' grieving for a loved one or to be able to move on from a life changing incident. But why ? I think it's ok to not get over something but just learn to live with it. I can say this now in life as I have experienced grief therefore I know I don't think you ever get over loosing someone.

Sorry last post. RAVIOLIONTOASTS suggestion is a very good idea

I'm trying to give the colleague the benefit of the doubt by suggesting that she said what she said in a cack handed way, when what she was really trying to do was to try and help you. I only say this to try and diffuse some of your anger towards her comment - I felt angry and hurt on your behalf when I read it. I don't say this to let her off the hook for her gross insensitivity but more so that you can let the hurt go that she has caused you - so she isn't important enough in the grand scheme of things to affect you.

I know grief, and although your son is very much present with you, it interests me that lots of references to grief have appeared in the responses to your post, reflecting the fact that there are lots of types of grief. I believe grief is the price we pay for love. This principle has helped me out many times. The relationship you have built with your son before and after his accident sounds amazing. You sound selfless and a fucking great mum to him. If I was your friend, I imagine I would be wanting to encourage you and support you in your desire to continue as you are in your caring role for your son, because this sounds like what works best for you both, but I would also sure as shit make sure that I injected some opportunities into your life where your understandable sadness can take a backseat for a while. Bollocks comments about 'being grateful' say a lot about your colleague - you've got more grace in your little finger than she has.

I hope that you and your son find increasing happiness and you can forget this colleagues comments and listen instead to the comments you are getting on here.

How dare your colleague say that.

I'm currently in a situation where my aunt is dying (days left to live) and my cousin has Aspergers and we have no idea how she's going to cope in the days, weeks, months and years as they've been inseparable since my cousins birth. I am beyond sad at how close they were and now I'm sitting across from her in a hospital knowing she's losing everything. I am so angry for you and I'm appalled at the sheer fucking dickheadedness of your colleague. I'm sorry. This thread just threw up all my sadness

Her comment sounds like the sort of thing I have had to pull DH up on in the past. He lives with his foot almost permanently in his mouth. He is well intentioned, but cack handed, thinking everything should simply go neatly back into its box after a relatively short time and not being able to understand when that doesn't always happen.

I have no personal experience of what you are going through but it sounds very difficult. I wanted to wish you and your poor DS well.

I try to tell DH that it is probably nearer to the mark to consider that people have to learn to live with grief and/or the consequences of major accidents and illnesses, not simply get over them and move on. It can rarely, if ever, be compartmentalised in the way that he and it seems your colleague, seem to think.

I think it is totally understandable to still be feeling as you are. I am glad you are getting some counselling and hope it helps.

Don't confide in these colleagues again. They sound clueless.

Your colleague is awful to have said that. You are entitled to be sad, and to be currently struggling. Drafting in some practical care is a good idea.

People's memories are very short. If you are not singing and laughing constantly within days of anything like this happening allegedly you are at fault.

My mother died four and a half weeks ago and a 'friend' asked me today why I was still crying for her. She is no longer a friend and has been rebranded a cunt in my eyes.

What she said was awful. But I am just wondering if this was her grief coming out at losing her dad. Perhaps she is angry that her dad passed away and that you are grieving for someone who is still alive?

It's a terrible thing for her to say regardless, but her own grief may be clouding her judgement.

I hope you, your son and your colleague are all ok

for you.

I have a relative dealing with a very difficult medical situation and although it's short term situation, I've seen how hard things are for the whole family.

I can only imagine how much this time must have taken from you, emotionally and physically.

Nobody has the right to say how you should feel. Your colleague is ill mannered and out of line.

You are a wonderful mother and I wish you and your family a future of hope and healing.

Also like Ravioli's suggestion, what lovely lads.

It does sound sad to me and you sound a lovely caring mother .

Of course you are not unreasonable and can't just snap out of this. You are living with the awful consequences of your son's accident every day. It may be that your colleague thought she was being helpful in some way, but she seems to be showing an extraordinary lack of imagination.

As a matter of interest, is your son entitled to claim damages in respect of the accident? I just wondered whether that might help with your worries about the future. And I hope you're getting help from social services?

YANBU but your colleague is an utter cunt. How dare she say that to you. This is grief . You grieve for as long as it takes. You're not grieving a loss by death but the loss of your DS as he was. The loss of a different future.

Tell her to mind her mouth and if she can't be nice, to not address you at all on matters not related to work. I am so angry for you. Why do other people see fit to make such awful comments. Put her in her place. I'm so sorry OP 💐

Just hugs. You are carrying a great sadness with dignity and grace. She sounds awful.

She sounds terrible and YANBU op.