To think this has stopped me living life to the fullest

[Moomoomango]

Today most randomly whilst emptying the paddling pool - I had a really gut wrenching feeling. I had a memory that when I say my 11+ my dad said to me "this was the making of your brother - probably the most important test you will do in your life" I failed. They put me in for the grammar test again the following year. I failed. Aibu to think that this might be the route of my problems? That I deliberately self sabotage so I'm in control of my failure and can protect myself. Or does this sound like a load of Mumbo jumbo and I am just naturally a low aspirational achiever?

Could be. Some DC whose parents have high expectations of them deliberately 'opt out' to protect themselves.

Hard to say really. There are four possibilities:

1. You should have passed and threw the test to stay in control of your life.
2. You should have passed but had a bad day (twice!)
3. You should have passed but you're not a good exam candidate and don't cope with that pressure.
4. You weren't good enough to pass.

Whatever the reason for your failure, allowing it to dictate the rest of your life is not a proportionate response, so it might be worth finding someone to talk that through with.