To not want my friend inviting men to my house

[dranaksjd]

There's a woman who I was friends with as a teenager. We are both 27. She's not a bad person but while I've matured, she has stayed exactly
Like she was at 18.
I arranged to go to an event that goes on for four days this weekend. I arranged to go with my two best friends. My friend then asked if she could go. I said she could come along. She is a single mother and is isolated as she only has me as a friend. She literally has no one else and gets lonely.

The problem is she has explained to me her plans for the weekend and I'm concerned.

She is staying at mine for four nights (she never asked me, just informed me). She explained that if she doesn't stay at mine she can't go as her parents don't let her drink and she lives in a rental property her parents own (this is true).

She is also paying her friend to have her daughter for four nights and her parents don't know.

So I said okay she can stay. She then suggested she brings a guy she met online over for a drink on Saturday night. I said no I don't want anyone I don't know over mine.

She has this guy she met online a few weeks ago, and she regularly meets up with him for sex. She asked if she could have him stay overnight. I said no as she would be sleeping in my Sons bed and I don't know him.

She has brought loads of alcohol and is planning on getting off her face all weekend.

The thing is, my other friends and I are very different people. We rarely drink and if we do it's only getting tipsy. We don't have friends with benefits and only have people in our house we are close friends with. We don't judge her if that's what she wants to do. But I honestly am really worried about having her in my house for four nights. She will be drunk, inviting men online to come to my house, talking loudly on the phone until 3am. It's my idea of hell! If I thought she would respect my house I would not be worried but she isn't like that.

Everyone else says why are you even friends with her. But she has absolutely no one else. And would be so lonely without me. As soon as she thinks she has a boyfriend And starts seeing him I never hear from her until they've broken up so I suppose I owe her nothing but I feel a responsibility to give her company as she is unhappy and men just use her for sex. She is quite a troubled person.
Despite this, I'm thinking of not having her at my house. I have major concerns. Would I be unreasonable to say I can't have her at mine?

I doubt she will behave in a way i consider acceptable in my house. She might respect my
House rules but then again might not.

I also like my own space and the thought of having anyone but my close family at my house for four nights make me feel stressed.

Am I being grumpy?

"I don't understand why they have such a hold over your friend's life choices and parenting."
I have no idea and am only guessing, but I found myself wondering if the parents aren't giving her a rent-free place to live in exchange for conditions like 'no drinking' because they know that when if she goes off the rails (again?) they'll be the ones picking up the pieces (again).

She's buying all the food and drink for the four days. So I feel at leadhe isn't expecting me to pay for her.

I will also be there. My son is at his dad's for the few days.

I agree she is a user though. Basically she's lonely and has no one to spend time with so spends time with me. She got a boyfriend and never spoke to me for four years. Turned out he only wanted her for a visa and as soon as he got leave to remain he left her. As soon as she got back to the uk she text me to say hi. Suddenly I'm now her 'best friend'.

To be fair she has In Some ways, been a good friend. She put on a party when I qualified as a teacher.

But I do get this feeling that I'm being used in some way.

This is the first time she's wanted to stay at mine. But she has asked me to watch her daughter for her several times. I've never agreed to that though as that's really not my responsibility.

I just don't know how to slowly Unfriend her!

Her parents are Muslim. Drinking alcohol is forbidden in their religion. She lives in their home at the end of the day. Rent free. It's still owned by them even if they'd by share he house with her.

No to all of this!

Yes, she is probably like this as a reaction to her controlling parents and her challenges through life but she probably only has you as a friend for a reason.

I'd tell her you guys aren't getting drunk etc and suggest she goes to a hotel for a weekend with this man instead of coming with you. If she can pay for a friend to baby sit for 4 days, she can pay for one night and a hotel and let you and your friends enjoy your plans that were nothing to do with her. If she gets huffy about it and flounces then it's her loss.

More often than not I will sit there and say support a friend with this sort of thing but she needs to be aware of other people and grow up. Letting her do it how she wants just enables that behaviour. If she can't enjoy the event without getting rat arsed or hooking up then she should go and do that somewhere else as she's not there to enjoy your company.

Your friend is in the wrong here

Its not ok to bring some random shag to a mates house and spend 4 days drinking! Just cancel, say No. Dont let feeling bad about that or sorry for her stop you protecting yourself.

I just don't know how to slowly Unfriend her!

Ok, so the crux of it is that you don't want to be friends with her anymore?
Forget everything in your OP then as it's completely irrelevant. If you don't want this person in your life anymore, then you have no reason to let her come with you to this event and to stay at your house.

Please don't feel obliged to remain friendly with her because she is a single parent and lonely. Yes you've been friends since you were teenagers but you've outgrown her. Such is life. She is not your responsibility.

Firstly, tell her you've changed your mind about her staying at yours. You've decided that you're not comfortable with it anymore. No further explanation needed.

Then tell her plainly that you feel as though you're now just two very different people with nothing in common anymore. And just because you've known each other since you were teens, that is not enough of a reason to force a friendship that just isn't compatible anymore.

Or if this might be too blunt, just start avoiding her and dodging her calls/texts etc. Before you finish this friendship, advise her to deal with her parents. How will she ever turn in to a mature adult if her parents are dictating what she can and cannot do? The reason she is still acting like a teen is because she's still being treated like one.

Sorry, cross posted with your explanation about her parents being Muslim.

So she has to abide by their rules in order to live rent-free in her their' house? Okay, that's fair enough I suppose. But I certainly couldn't live like that. I'd rather pay rent to a landlord and live my life the way I wanted to rather than still be following my parent's rules when I'm almost 30. She surely has the choice to do the same? She either needs to stand up to her parents and find her own place to live in, or accept that if she want to continue paying no rent, then she has to follow her parents' rules.

She clearly can't have the best of both worlds. So has some tough choices to make. Choices that I think should have been made a long time ago when she entered adulthood.

Thanks for the replies everyone. She has left her things at mine so I feel like I can't turn her away as she will have to come and get them.

Maybe I should put up with it for four days and then Unfriend her.

I will most certainly not have any of her hook ups over though. If she bring a guy over they can leave.

It sounds as though she was brought up quite strictly and can't cope with the freedom now available to her. Lots of Catholic teenage girls used to go off the rails in the same way, because they couldn't talk sensibly about relationships and sex with anyone - adults forbade it and their friends didn't know any more than they did.

Doesn't she realise what a dangerous position she's putting herself in, inviting random men to her own home, never mind yours?

I think you need to have a really good talk with her about the risks in what she's doing and in how that is affecting your friendship. I wouldn't have her to stay for those days, no matter what she says. It won't be fun for you having to either babysit her or lie in bed listening to her carrying on with random strangers.

Send her a text before she arrives saying that you are happy for her to join in with you and your friends but she has to be aware that she will need to fit in with the group. You three are not planning excessive drinking or hook-ups with men so if she wants to join in with you she will need to fit in with that. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. (Star Trek geek alert.)

I would at least explain to her what you and your friends will be like and what you expect to do at the event (ie not getting drunk) as you don't want her to ruin it for all of you

X post with timtam.

I would also warn your friends what might occur. They also might have ideas of how to handle the situation.

Set boundaries. Either tell her that her male "friend" (and she, if she comes home accompanied by him) will stay outside. That he will sleep on the doorstep if he didn't make arrangements to stay at a hotel, because you will not open the door to him.
Or tell her that she won't be staying with you, period, and should look for a hotel.

She needs help, but you are not the person who can give her that help - she needs psychotherapy. And for that, she has to realize that she has unhealthy relationship patterns. One or two men who just use her for sex can be a coincidence, a never ending string of them indicates that she looks for love in the wrong places.

Perhaps being unfriended by you would give her an incentive to change her behaviour. Dropping friends immediately when a man appears in her life is something that she should know leads to being rather friendless.

I suspect her parents still have this control over her at 27 because she is a bit of a lose cannon. DD has an acquaintance exactly like this and she behaves dreadfully. Her parents are happy to look after their grandson and support their daughter all they can emotionally, financially etc but not whilst she disappears on a four night bender.

I agree with what TimTamTerrier says, Lay down the rules now in advance.

If she doesn't behave then you have adequate grounds to send her packing and a valid reason not to maintain the friendship.

Surely, if she has someone she is friendly enough with to leave her daughter with for four days, she has another friend? Therefore you aren't the only person she can turn to?

sounds like shes very troubled-rebelling still against her parents but not taking reponbility for anything

she shold move out get her own place then wont feel tied to them

definitely no to bringing men round to yours

The 'friend' she is leaving her daughter with is a family friend not her friend. She is a registered childminder but as she is known to the family she is doing it for a cheap rate.

My friend says she has told her not to tell her parents and she has promised not to. I suspect the fact her daughter is at a babysitter for four nights might still get out though!

My friends father is a psychiatrist!! Yet they are so critical and controlling. They are very unsupportive.

Definitely no to bring men round. That is not even in question!
The rest you can deal with, tell her you are looking forward to a nice 4 days with her & thank her for buying the drink & food. Tell her she can certainly take some of the drink back with her as it is unlikely that you will both get through it - make it clear that you don't drink much and that you do not want a drunk person in your house.

Her parents sound vile, she sounds annoying as hell and you sound like you don't actually like her or want her to come to your house. Not looking great, is it? I would just tell her you have felt increasingly uncomfortable with her plans and you would rather just nip it in the bud.

You should not be putting up with this crappy behaviour AT ALL not for 4 minutes, nevermind 4 days. Why are you friends with her? And her having nobody else is not a valid reason to maintain what looks like a pretty poor friendship. Tell her it's no longer convenient for her to stay with you as it appears you aren't on the same page. Then start distancing yourself - you don't have to just tell her straight out you're dumping her, you can just be unavailable when she wants to hang out. She'll eventually get the message or perhaps she'll be just too busy with her latest boyfriend to care.

Take all the alcohol and put it away somewhere, tell her she won't need it as you're not into drinking much yourself and don't like spending time with drunk people. If she insists on drinking tell her to go and take it all with her.

If you plan to stop being in touch after the four day thing you'd be silly to risk it being spoilt by letting her come. End it now. It's not even a real friendship.

end it now.

she has problems, but until she recognises them and agrees to deal with them there is nothing to be done. Enabling a drunk doesn't help - I've seen this recently, the drunk has to reach their own rock bottom.

also bringing a random into your house puts you in danger too. And do you really want a weekend with a disgusting drunk, body fluids everywhere?

she's driven everyone else away - you now need to walk away too. Tell her you are ready to help when she is ready to sort her life out.