To be really angry with my mum for kissing our newborn

[freakedoutlady]

Baby is just over 2 weeks. My DD developed a coldsore a day or two before he was born. Midwife and GP warned us to be very careful of him catching it from her as it can be fatal as apparently newborns are very vulnerable to this virus until they are over 6 weeks. Queue an week and more of anti viral handwash and lots of supervision. We were also told and googled that apparently people shed tge virus all the time so no one apart from mum and dad should be kissing baby to minimise the risk. I had no idea but heeded this info and told my mum amongst other peoplw not to kiss him until older...

Vent alert: My mum constantly causes dramas with me and offers no help or support. Despite living 5 minutes walk away and being retired she has never once looked after my other kids, cooked a meal, helped in ANY way since I had the baby and before. I don't expect her to as she's always been this way. My partner works away and so I'm on my own. She let herself in at 9pm last night wanting to cuddle baby. Got very sarcastic and rude about not kissing him. Did the same tonight and kissed him defiantly and was incredibly rude and sarcastic when I asked her why she had gone against my wishes! She then helped herself to some food off my daughters dinner plate, by hand, without asking my daughter and left the house as cool as anything saying "don't worry, I wont kiss any of you goodbye " and left.

I'm so upset.

AIBU at least for the kiss?

I know of a baby who died from the cold sore virus. How ignorant of your mil to flout the medical advice given to you.
She's a gem to be sure.

I feel awful reading this, I began suffering from cold sores when my DD was a baby, and am obviously really careful about not kissing my DC when I have a cold sore, and if I touch it at all then I wash my hands. Hyper vigilant with it. But I didn't know the the virus can be shed even when there are no actual cold sores, does this mean I should never kiss my kids? 🙁

YANBU and she sounds so like my own mum. Also doesn't help, even in the hardest of times - won't even pop round and make the kids fish fingers if I'm dying of flu, just zero help at all. Barges in and helps herself to food like a greedy teenager home from uni. Undermines me at every turn. We also have a kissing issue, my son is autistic and doesn't like being pounced on and forced to kiss her. She does it anyway, every single time she comes round. I don't know enough about psychology to understand what on earth makes a person carry on in this way, but just wanted to let you know.... You're not alone in having a selfish mum, it causes a really particularly type of pain. All you can do is aim to accept it and move on, because I doubt she's willing to consider changing. Try and save your emotional energy, and shake off the anger and enjoy your lovely new baby. Don't let this horrible experience cast a black cloud over the first weeks with your baby, there's just no point.

If I've read the op right the mum doesn't have a coldsore - only the dd. YABU not to let your mum kiss her grandchild. I've never heard the advice that no-one other than parents should kiss a newborn just in case they have a random disease in my life. Not surprised your mum was a bit snippy about not being allowed to show affection to her grandchild because you've scared yourself on Google.

DD had Herpes at 4yrs, was in HDU at Alder Hey because of it. We got told that the virus is everywhere, even airbourne and on the handles of supermarket trolleys etc so there is little you can do to totally eradicate the risk. Although the new advice about not kissing babies makes total sense to me!!
I think the best thing you can do if you do suspect Herpes is to get proper health care straight away.
Our DD had been treated with antibiotics (totally ineffective) as our GP had suspected tonsillitis. So she was very delayed in getting the right treatment.

Forewarned is forearmed! You sound like you have a great HV. As for your mother, I have no words.

Congratulations on your new baby!

I think that link was aimed at me but that's ok, hopefully the op got where is was coming from. No rudeness here.

There is another thread here somewhere about generally pants advice from health professionals, so that's what i was getting at- whatever anyone says for you to do with your baby, you do as you see fit.

That's all. Peace and love.

Nanny misdiagnosed sarcasm- I put a smiley face so people would know i was making daft suggestions. I think the op got it though so that's all right.

Congrats on your baby and commiserations on yr Mum - what a PITA. Talk about drama queen. Perhaps she is jealous of you ?

Take her key back, you can't have people barging in when they feel like it, especially with a new baby. Congratulations.

Why would she be more likely to pass on the virus than you? Surely if you want to be safe no one -including you and DH- should be kissing the baby? Babies don't need kisses.

Your mum should still respect your wishes, though, and has no business acting like it's her problem or ignoring your instructions whatever she thinks of them..

Oh my gosh op, YAtotallyNBU. You poor thing, she sounds dreadful. Especially being like that at a time when you need the most help and support you can get.

Please do yourself a favour and keep her away, for a while at least, she's not doing your health and wellbeing any good whatsoever. No one has a right to ruin this precious time for you

I think it's a power thing with her.

You have hit the nail on the head there OP. Lock the door/get key off her if she has one.

Not at all easy to stand up to this sort of parent, but if you don't set the boundaries now this will only get worse.

OMG she sounds vile. Take the key away from her - if you feel you can't, change the locks.

She sounds dreadful. Agree, lock the door and be very cool with her.

freakedoutlady - very apt user name.
Yanbu, your mum is. I didn't realise that about the herpes virus either, so thank you for a valuable lesson learned.

Obviously your mum thinks she knows better than health care professionals and medical evidence- does she always have to be right about stuff? Just because she's your mum, it doesn't mean you have to welcome her. She sounds a pain in the bum to me. I'd be double locking or adding a safety chain.

Congratulations on your new born .

Take back the key, or change the locks, she sounds so entitled.

Not very clear why your dd having a coldsore means your mum shouldn't kiss the baby

Really nasty behaviour. My friend lost her newborn to the cold sore virus.

Why can't people respect the wishes of parents. Everyone loves to tell us we're being over protective when we have newborns.

The only advice on the NHS link says that you shouldn't kiss babies if you have a coldsore or are coming down with one. The op's mum doesn't have a coldsore so I can quite understand that she is annoyed she isn't alllowed to kiss her own grandchild. I'm really surprised at the responses on this thread.
You say you were told and read it on Google that only parents should ever kiss a newborn. I would be interested to know if it was a healthcare professional who told you this.