need advice, really don't know anymore

[Littlelarger]

I'm sorry for posting - I was reading another thread that really upset me, but I didn't want to hijack that one - I just really need another perspective on things. I m probably going to ramble a bit, as I'm just trying to get things out, and not sure it'll be in any logical order.

My dh and I have a lot of problems at the moment - we haven't been getting on for a while. There are a couple of arguments we have been having on and off for the majority of our relationship. The biggest one is that he feels I don't give him enough attention - and this mean both general attention and also sex. He has a very high sex drive, and I don't so much. We started going out when I was 14 (am now mid 30's). At this point it was 3 times a day. It reduced as time went on to once a day, and stayed at this for a very long time (he often lamented the purported lack of sex though). We recently had our first dd, and since then it has dropped off dramatically. I try for at least every other day, but often it will go for a few days without due to arguments.

No, I don't want it that often. I don't general want it once a day, and I certainly don't want it 3 times again. Sometimes every other day feels like too much, and I secretly enjoy these times for not having too. I would like to highlight, however, that when we do have sex, he is not all about himself. He always tries to make sure it is pleasurable for me - and I don't help the situation here by pretty much always faking my own enjoyment.

He is also quite a needy person (its a nicer way of saying man child, which I am very aware he is and thought I had accepted I could live with). He likes to be showered with affection, which I have never thought is an unreasonable thing. But its kind of perpetual. He also likes to be fought for - as in he pretends not to want any attention, and I have to fight to give it to him. I don't have a problem fighting for kisses and stuff, but really hate when he does it with sex. His argument is that he is not a cuddly person, and doesn't enjoy that sort of attention so much, but he gives it to me - so its fair that he gets some of what he enjoys in return. I am also getting told that he doesn't enjoy or want sex with me any more at the moment, because I am boring and he has to put all the effort in (this is most probably true). Historically, if we don't have sex, he will get into a grump asking me where is attention was. This happens even if he has told me he was not in the mood at the time - apparently it was my job to put him in the mood. And all of this is basically taken as a sign that I don't care about him or the relationship enough, and am not putting enough effort into it.

The other argument we are having at the moment is about my being a liar. I'm not talking 'I'm having an affair' sort of lies, which I would never do. But I do frequently lie to him about stuff I know he would be upset about. If I don't want to do something, I will make up a reason that is acceptable to him. I also apologise for stuff I don't think I should in order to end an argument. He says he doesn't want me to do this stuff, and wants me to be more honest - but I just can't deal with the fallout from when I do try to do it. He's been picking up on it more recently, probably because I don't have the energy to really commit to it like I used to.

I don't know what I want out of this thread, I just really needed to talk to someone about it all. I guess I want to know that it isn't all my fault, and that I'm not the unreasonable one, and that I'm not being an uncaring bitch by not making the effort that i have done in the past, because everything has been ok when I have. Strangely if there are any men out there who like to tell me I am not being a bitch, I think I would quite like to hear that. There was loads more I wanted to say, but I just can't type anymore.

I will try to respond if I can, and I'm sorry if I sound like a bit of an attention seeker - it might be difficult if my dd is being demanding, or if dh is around.

I was very distraught when I posted this morning, and looking back on my previous posts I realise that a lot of it sounds quite...immature, I suppose. Which is a bit embarrassing. It's difficult, because where I have been speaking to him today, he has been very pleasant. There is a complete absence of physical affection (because he is thinking about how he is going to cope having realised I am never going to change and he will have to spend the rest of his life with a big fat liar), but we are talking normally, almost as if nothing ever happened. Which stupidly makes me feel like I can actually do this and fix this and everything will be alright.

Greyhound: I worry about my friendship because I spoke to her once, ages ago, about a different argument we were having. It was a reasonably bad one, even for us, and I wound up breaking down in tears at work. She was very supportive, and I told her a lot more about what was going on than I have ever told anyone else. She was horrified by some of the things he had said to me, and told me I should leave him - which I did then try to do. He wound up being very apologetic, and I decided to stay with him. She thought I was mental, and I asked her to please forget everything I had told her, and not treat him any differently when we all went out together. To her benefit, she did. I understand that there are probably only so many times she would be willing and able to do that.

Not that it makes any difference, but the glass throwing was a couple of years ago. I feel a bit stupid bringing it up as a reason to leave him now. If I was going to, surely I should have done so at the time.

We only got married a couple of years ago due to our living circumstances (we wound up with his brother living with us for about 7 years, which caused a lot of tension). There wasn't really any pressure at home. And moving back with my mum (if I decided to leave) would be the easiest and most logical thing to do.

Our home is jointly owned, however we did put down a very large deposit when we bought it (which was only a few years ago), and all of that came from his inheritance from his dad and grandmother.

Just because it's good when you are mentally strong enough to keep all the balls he wants you to juggle in the air doesn't excuse the times it's shit. You can separate for any reason, even if it's as simple as you feel you've grown apart over the years. You shouldn't feel you're a liar for having changing feelings or feeling in the heat of the moment you have to agree with him to get the argument over.

OP nothing you wrote sounds immature. You sound like you were trying to portray DH in the best light, whilst also being very clear about where you felt you were not in the right.

People who are abusive are also very capable of being lovely. That is why you are with that person in the first place, and why you stay with them.

TBH just the sex thing would be a big fat there is something seriously wrong here warning light….it's just plain WRONG

I wouldn't be worried about bringing things up from a couple of years ago as it sounds that in the light of motherhood you are re-evaluating your situation. And helping explain why you are scared of upsetting DH- maybe this is a factor in why you can't be honest with him.

Littlelarger it sounds to me like you are walking on eggs shells all the time. Do you think this is normal? Maybe you are seeing now how wrong all this is. You saw it before and tried to leave and your DH presumably convinced to you to stay but has not changed.

I don;t think it is the glass or the sex or the constant egg shells or the pathetic need to make you feel you need to convince him to have sex with you, while at the same time making you feel inadequate. I think it is any of these and all of these! You met him so young you did not get to grow realizing what is normal.

I don't think he can change, he had a chance and he failed. But either way, it's your life, your one and only life, how do you want to spend it?

Reading what you have written about your dh it sounds like he has never grown up. He sounds like a petulant over sexed 16 year old boy