To not want my mother to have anything to do with my family?

[watsy]

My hands are shaking with pure rage as I type this. I'm White South African. My husband is Black South African. We have two daughters - one who is 11 and another who is 14. I'm sure most of you are aware of SA's shameful racial history. When I first got with my husband, navigating through the social ramifications of such a union were difficult to say the least. But we pulled through. Our daughters are the loves of our lives.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my mother. Even when I was a kid. In the beginning she opposed my relationship with DH but eventually came around. Anyway, last weekend my girls stayed at my mother's place. When I picked my girls up, my youngest started crying. And then my 14 yr old also started crying. I asked them what was wrong.

It turns out, my mother (their bloody grandmother) has been favouring my eldest daughter. And you know why? Because she has lighter skin (her skin tone is almost white). My eldest daughter explained that for several months now (when my mother is alone with them) when it comes to treats, compliments and just general friendliness, my mother is much more receptive to her. And that she always compliments her skin colour. And last weekend my mother told my youngest daughter "if only you had your sister's skin colour, you'd be so much better looking."

I can't explain how angry and heartbroken I am at hearing this. After I comforted my girls, I cried for 2 hours straight. I can't believe I exposed them to such horrible things. I failed them. And the fact that it's been going on for months (MONTHS) without me knowing just makes it even worse. Colourism in South Africa is a huge problem, especially among females. And to think that my kids were so cruelly exposed to it is killing me. Sometimes I just burst out crying. And sometimes I just want to smash something as I picture my mother saying those horrible things to my babies.

I've spoken to my mother and told her I don't want to see or speak to her again. She's tried calling a million times but I keep ignoring her. I don't want her coming anywhere near my kids.

My mother turned up to our house today. Tears and everything. I turned her away. For me it's simply unforgivable. Had she done something terrible to me in the direct sense (and she has done before) I could find it in my heart to forgive. But I can't forgive what she did to my children.

Yanbu - my siblings and I have dealt with this all our lives. We are mixed and as a result having very different colouring to each other.
For your dcs sake I'd cut her out.

Vladmirs - I really hate that in this day and age, something as trivial and as meaningless as skin tone is still an issue.

I took after the Spanish side of the family, I am dark skinned, dark haired, dark eyed. My sister took after the English side, fair skin, light brown hair, blue eyes, very pretty. My mother made it very clear which she favoured, and it wasn't me. YANBU.

So sorry you are going through this. I had similar when ds2 was born. My boys are mixed race and when we told a relative his name she was visibly disappointed.

She said, don't you want to give him a more English name like ds1 so he's more passable. For a start ds1's name isn't English either, they both have simple names which are easy for both cultures to pronounce. But after some probing she thought it would be better for them if they could pass as just English (whatever that means). I had no idea what to think, and told her I'd specifically had mixed race babies to take advantage of positive discrimination.

I've not spoken to her since.

My DDs are racially mixed (English, Polish, Asian, Black) and have substantially different skin colouring and hair from each other. Thankfully my parents don't comment negatively on any difference between the 'whiter' and 'darker' one - if they did, I'd be gone too. They think they are both beautiful. Poor you OP.

YANBU. As a grandparent I just can't imagine feeling any differently to a grandchild of mixed/different ethnicity to ours. Just totally impossible to get my head round . It's not in your dd's interests to be around that attitude from anyone and it's doubly upsetting that it's from within their own family. So sorry to hear what's been happening. You couldn't have known unless you have psychic powers, so all though I can understand your outrage and distress, please try not to be too hard on yourself. If you had known before, you would have acted on it before. You didn't know, so you couldn't though.

I am a very easy-going person and will forgive most things. But what your mother has done is actually unforgivable. It wasn´t a one off, it is something she has done over and over again - in other words, it wasn´t an accidental slip of the tongue, it was a deliberate action.

I think posters often jump far to easily to the conclusion that contact should be cut off, but in this case, I think that is the right action. Your daughters cannot be subjected to this.

Just wanted to add my YANBU.

I'm white South African, and I really really can't get my head around what your mother did. It is despicable.

Good luck and you really don't need her in your life.

Thanks for the support, everyone. It means a lot. I was speaking to my sister earlier about it (she's coming round tomorrow) and one of the things she said (and understood) was the trust element. There's no way I could ever trust my mother with my children again. No way. I hate the situation but there's just no way of getting around it.

It's so awful what some women have endured to make their skin lighter to the point of harmful so I can see why you are upset. However although it was upsetting for them you are their main inspiration and your unconditional love will cancel out what your mother has said. You sound lovely OP and so do your girls looking out for each other and so does your dh. Your girls are just going to be fine.

Awful, so sorry your beautiful girls had to be witness to such.
But they are very lucky to have a mum that cares for them so much and will put there happiness before and over family members and in this case it is for a very good reason.
Your girls will grow up to value a person by who they are and not judge the colour of one's skin.

Have you heard your Mum's side of the story, or only from your daughters?

YANBU at all!

I'm white British, my husband is mixed-race Antillean. My grandmother refused to come to our wedding because of this and we don't have any contact with her now (not that I had a great relationship with her even as a child, for various unrelated reasons).

The rest of my family are accepting of our relationship, at least outwardly, and my parents are friendly with my stepdaughter (who is mixed/black). But I'm currently pregnant and I sometimes worry about how my family will react once the baby is here and they have a grandchild/niece/etc who isn't completely white/British. I already know that I will severely reduce, if not completely cut off, contact with anyone who says anything horrible about my baby or DH - tbh this would be true whether the comment was racist or about something completely different - but it does worry me a lot.

Sorry about going on like that I think I just needed to write it down

Justmyview, yes I have heard from my mother's side. I confronted her about everything my daughters said. She didn't deny any of it. Her excuse? "I'm from a different time."

WyofBathe, don't be sorry at all. It's nice to know that there are others in similar situations. As to your grandmother not attending your wedding - ugh. It's simply disgusting. It's just so deflating to hear stuff like that.

I wish you a happy pregnancy and birth. I'm sure your baby will be a gorgeous little cupcake :)

Ah, sorry to see that. I was hoping there had been some misunderstanding.

Would your Mum be willing to apologise to your daughters?

What do your daughters want? Do they want to sever contact completely?