To expect my 13 year old to clean her bedroom

[Horsegirl1]

Just that really . Her room and wardrobe is a disgrace and according to her she shouldn't have to clean her room ?? What are your 13 year olds bedrooms like and do you clean them ? I am ocd in the house and do her room when I absolutely cannot stand it anymore and it gets a thorough deep clean and looks lovely. 2 days later it's back to a hovel. Make up everywhere , clothes all over , cups of half drunk tea or glasses of juice left on her computer desk ,clothes that iv ironed and laid on her bed ready for her to pop in wardrobe are always just rammed in a heap at bottom of wardrobe . I have always cleaned the dc bedrooms but at 13 should she not be doing something to help keep it in order herself ? Thoughts please

From high school age I stopped entering their rooms unless invited
Their mess their problem
Only rules were any washing needing doing including sheets had to be brought out to me on my request
No eating in rooms, cup and glass amnesty once a week
They both got better when romance came in the scene and they were inviting someone into their domain

Back in the Dark Ages when I was young, my mother insisted that every Sunday was spent 'cleaning my room' (not a huge room either). She would then 'inspect' it, and if it didn't pass her standards, I wasn't allowed to go out, I had to stay and 'tidy it up'. I was never sure what i was supposed to be doing, I'd already tidied what I considered to be the mess...I was also called a 'slut' for leaving clothes piled on a chair and for not dusting the skirting boards. At this point I was about fourteen, and I don't think i even knew what a skirting board was!

So I let my kids do what they wanted with their rooms. Okay, there was mess, crusty cups (even the odd maggot). But they all live away now, and their homes are fine. Plus I don't have the awkward and removed relationship with them that I have with my mother.

Sometimes it's just not worth the fight.

At that age I would go into their rooms once a week to strip the bed and pretty much left them to it. Their room their mess. They do however grow out of this phase. Two dc have now moved out and they keep their homes lovely and tidy, they even iron. It's just too stressful nagging on all the time and hearing your own voice over and over again. At the end of the day the teenager ain't listening.

Same as post above. My room had to be spotless by 10 AM Sat., or I was not allowed to watch my fav.tv show with my best friend. We took turns watching it at each others houses and her mother had the same rule. No tv until room passed inspection. Also, no allowance if weekly chores not done.
This was age 12.

Number one rule is no food in the room under any circumstances so not much can go wrong after that. When my teens asked me to drive them someplace l used to say sure when you're room is done. They were trapped and it's amazing how quickly they got going. Also if a friend was coming over to stay my dd went like lightening and it was sparkling when friends arrived.

So l wouldn't expect perfection and l wouldn't do it so someplace in between is a happy medium. I only did their rooms at exam time as a treat.
My dd was a top student with loads of hobbies and lovely friends. She rarely answered back or gave me hassle but her room was a state. She once said cut me some slack here l can't be good at everything and my room is where it gives. So usually l just shut the door and averted my eyes. NO FOOD THOUGH!!

Oh yes, the perfect 5 and 7 year olds who know they have to keep their rooms tidy and their parents who are convinced they have it all sorted because they have taught them well.
They will change.

Shut the door. You have a say over what happens in the 'common' areas of the house, but her bedroom is up to her.

It's up to you whether you want to insist on her cleaning it, OP. Certainly, though, you shouldn't be cleaning for her at this age. I would be inclined to make her do it or she would lose privileges, but then I don't hold with the idea of her room being 'her private space' or any bollocks like that. It is a space she is granted privacy in, by me, the householder, but that privilege comes with a responsibility to not attract rats! 😂

DS I gave fair warning to...I'm cleaning tomorrow, so anything not put away tonight gets binned. Be it school books/homework/bestest clothes/ANYTHING.

Never allowed food in bedrooms anyway, meals got eaten downstairs, so that wasn't an issue.

(By binned I meant straight into the communal dumper,btw.)

It worked.

As others have said pick your battles. DSs rooms were tips but there was a strict no food upstairs rule which helped slightly. I only did washing that was brought down to the washing machine and no ironing except school uniform. Other than that I kept their doors closed & left them to it. By about 20 they had turned into civilised humans & are now both quite house proud. I suppose it depends on how much energy you want to devote to it v. the aggravation it causes you.

"don't hold with the idea of her room being 'her private space' or any bollocks like that."

That's awful!

Awful? Why is it so awful?

Because her room should be her private space.

Well, that's implicit in 'awful' isn't it? 😂

What is your reasoning? I don't mind giving privacy up to a point, but it's not an absolute right if a child is taking the piss with hygiene.

I had this with a young lady who,lodged with me (she was 16). It got to a stage where the smell from her room affected the rest of the house. She has 1 warning to keep her room tidy or anything left on the floor or bed would go. She ignored the warning. I got 2 black bin liners and removed everything on her floor or dumped on her bed. Make up, clothes, CD's, phone charger etc.

I'll admit to being a bit at that.

'Private space' oh please what utter crap. So you think you should just shut the door because they might be scarred for life their private space was intruded upon
And what about teaching them not to live in a pigsty or have basic hygiene standards.

YANBU. But I'd say it's up to you - you can try to enforce a tidy room, or let her have control over her own space. However certain stipulations should be made - eg room needs to be hygienic: no rubbish, food or wet clothing/towels; and the room should be tidy when visitors are around (or she keeps bedroom door closed and no visitors in there).
She also should pick up after herself in common areas, of course.

However if she is "allowed" to not tidy up, then the responsibility is hers - you won't tidy up, rewash or reiron (no matter how urgently she needs it - she should have brought it down).

I have 2 teen boys and I'm definitely of the "shut the door on it" persuasion. I don't clean, bring washing down or go in there really. They go through phases of a tip or must tidy it.

Life is too short to make their rooms an issue unless a) there is mouldy food in there or b) they have to share with a sibling.

They have both spent a week decluttering and tidying their rooms without any prompting from me which is nice - not sure how long it will last though

Going against the grain, I have 2 teens and a preteen and I often go and tidy / clean. It's my house i don't want maggots ! They work hard at school are polite loving etc so I help them out with clearing up and organisation. I don't think leaving them to it leads to them learning to do themselves I think they all get there eventually when they grow up. In the mean time I pick my battles and I'd rather bring down ups and make beds than have a smelly / unhygienic room in my house .

Cups not ups