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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In this argument

21 replies

Littlelarger · 21/08/2016 02:34

Dh and myself been arguing a lot lately. His biggest issue is that I don't listen to him. Have a 14 month dd who has always been a bit of a terrible sleeper. She is bf and I get up a couple of times a night to feed when she wakes up, which is hard as I work ft. Dh has always been supportive, but there has always been little he can do to help, and often he just sleeps through.

I have sort of tried sleep training. Tried cc for a bit, which worked to reduce some of her night feeds, but often I am too tired and wind up feeding her anyway as I am desperate for sleep. Quite recently I discovered that dh can get her to go back to sleep by cuddling her. Didn't think it would work, as I have totally failed at it in the past. So I have been asking him to put her back to sleep if she wakes really soon again after her early morning feed (about 4am), which has been working.

Anyway, yesterday evening when we are going to bed I said I was going to wake him up to see if he could get her to go back to sleep when she wakes for a feed in the middle of the night, as I would kill to stop this one. His response was couldn't I try it myself? I said no - everything I have read online and in books has said that it's better if dh does it, especially if she is expecting a feed.

He gets a bit huffy saying I should at least try, and the argument goes on like that for a bit until he snaps saying he is just trying to make us a team, we should be working together and trying it together. He then says that I am ignoring him again, something I said I would work on and that I don't value the relationship and I'm not making an effort. He says that by immediately saying no, I wouldn't try, I got his back up and made him not want to help either. I argued that I wasn't ignoring him, I just didn't agree with him. He thinks that I should listen to him, and that having read a few things online doesn't make me an expert.

Anyway, it all spiralled out of control from there, ending with him saying that he was never going to help again and he didn't care if I never slept again.

Was I being unreasonable to refuse to try to put her back to sleep without feeding her myself?

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 21/08/2016 02:41

I've read the same advice as you on this.

How is your husband because my 'part of a team' when it's you doing all the night waking?

Tell him as he wants to be a team, you've taken on board his suggestion and as he's not woken at all for the last (however many) nights he can wake up for the next 14 months and when he's caught up you'll take turns waking up in the night to attend your DD.

He sounds like the unreasonable one. And he's not 'helping you' he's an equal part of the family and is merely doing his part in sleep training his child.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 21/08/2016 03:35

YABU to try CC.

DH is U to be so lazy. Show him the many reputable sources of information on this. If a BF baby smells breastmilk of course they want to feed! Not rocket science.

You could try moving DD to a full size bed (a trundle bed just off the floor with a barrier) and sleeping in there with her while she feeds. You should both get more sleep that way.

mumndad37 · 21/08/2016 04:16

The way I understand it, and remember it, is that the baby wants to feed, so if Mum tries to just cuddle back to sleep, the baby does not accept it; but will accept it from Dad. So Dad has to be the one to try this. No?

I was never able to sleep with either of my babies, as I am a light sleeper, so I can really see why OP wants her husband to help out here!!

DesignedForLife · 21/08/2016 04:26

he snaps saying he is just trying to make us a team, we should be working together and trying it together

What exactly is he doing here? Doesn't sound like teamwork if you're the one doing it all. He needs to pull his finger out. Does he help much in the day or leave everything else to you?

The only way we stopped night feeds, and bedtime feed, was by DH settling DD. It was hard work for a couple weeks, but he did it. He also does most of the night waking say the moment as I'm heavily pregnant and can't get up easily. He hates being woken up, and would sleep through her crying most the time, but he's understands that it's his responsibility too. I think you need to have a real discussion (not last thing at night) with your DH about his responsibilities. You are a team, and that means him pulling his weight.

Also you were not BU to try CC. It works wonders for some babies. Seriously upsets others though.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/08/2016 04:27

Controlled crying worked for my son at 14 months.

First night he was awake till 11pm, with me going in at 5, then 10 etc minutes. Second night he was asleep within 20 and third he was asleep almost immediately. I did take a week off work to tackle it though - I was working full time and like you, just feeding him off to sleep because I was so knackered it was easier.

I agree your husband should be pulling his weight more (I understand that no one wants to be woken at 4am!) especially as it's short term. Also others on the thread shouldn't be so judgey. CC is tried and tested for a lot of families.

LindyHemming · 21/08/2016 05:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoublyTroubly · 21/08/2016 05:16

To be honest, do you think the issue might have been that you told him what was going to happen rather than discuss it with him and come up with an agreed approach? This might well have put his back up and then things just escalated.

43percentburnt · 21/08/2016 06:07

Dh can cuddle or sing our babies (twins) back to sleep, they lay there happily for him- if they glimpse me from the corner of their eye holy hell breaks loose they realise they are desperate for milk, starving in fact. i swear they have noses like blood hounds too.

Your dh sounds like he is worried he will have to get up every night - which makes him sound like a lazy arse. It's ok for his wife to manage on broken sleep for months but not for him to manage for a few nights. He may criticise you for taking internet advice but how much reading up on the matter has he done?

What other things do you apparently not listen to him about? Is this his way of getting his own way? Cos it sounds to me that you totally listened and answered etc. you definately didn't ignore him. He has escalated the arguement and taken it to the point where he can blame you for him not getting up in the night - what an arse.

Original poster

Littlelarger · 21/08/2016 07:04

Iwadjustabouttosaythat: I have tried cosleeping in the past, and I must have the only baby who wouldn't do it. She seems to be of the opinion that if I am there it is playtime. It took seriously strict 'no talking, no eye contact' etc for her to realise night feeds weren't play time.

Doublytroubly: he has always said time to just tell him what I need at night and he would do it, so I didn't think telling him what I needed would put his back up. I did specifically ask him during the argument and he said that it was my not being willing to try it myself when he suggested it that got his back up. Apparently if I hadn't outright said no he would have been fine with it.

43 percent: the not listening is a real problem for us in terms of arguments. There are times like this where I will tell him to sod off as I clearly am listening just not agreeing. He takes this as me not listening to him even more since if I was listening to him presumably I would understand why I also wasn't listening to him in the first place. I do have instances where I genuinely don't listen - either I don't hear him or my mind wanders during a conversation. I try not to though. The other big example would be where he says something and I misinterpret it for him meaning something else. Can't think of an example, but there have been times when I have gotten shitty thinking he said one thing when actually be meant something else.

It's good to know Ianbu. I'm not good at being angry with him, and tend to dismiss it if I even suspect I might be being out of order

OP posts:

user1471443957 · 21/08/2016 07:25

YANBU
Who settles your DD to sleep in the eve? One of my twins woke for feeds in the night and only stopped when I stopped feeding him to sleep in the eve. Started with cuddling instead, then to stroking in the cot, then to just standing nearby and eventually I could put him down and walk out. At this point he stopped waking me in the night. Could you DH work through something like this? Not saying you are BU for asking him to help at night at all though.

Original poster

Littlelarger · 21/08/2016 07:29

I settle her to sleep. Despite not staying asleep, she actually has a really good bedtime routine and goes down wide awake quite easily the majority of the time

OP posts:

KatieScarlettReregged2 · 21/08/2016 07:30

Substitute "listening" for "obeying".
Because that's what he really means.

MiniCooperLover · 21/08/2016 07:30

Where was his teamwork when he slept through all the night feeds? Does he understand the reason you can't settle her is because of the smell of milk? Yes it'll be tough on him at 4am but all being well it may be 3 or 4 wake ups tops?

KP86 · 21/08/2016 07:35

Oh dear. He was already being a dick but it got worse when he said he'd no longer 'help' you. He isn't helping, it would only be doing his share.

Explain again about the science/thinking re. smell of milk, then refuse to do it yourself. A stand off. Then what happens?

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 21/08/2016 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaudlinNamechange · 21/08/2016 07:42

"Substitute "listening" for "obeying".
Because that's what he really means."

Yes, that is what I thought.

I think the "can you try it first" is a red herring. I think you effectively have tried it, in the sense that you have long experience of her waking and sleeping habits at night and how they interact with feeding, and you really do know what you are talking about here. I think you should say that. I'd even be tempted to say simply "I have tried everything and now I am asking you"

what he means is "can you just do all this stuff by yourself like you are doing now. For ever. thanks"

Even if you could settle her without feeding in the night: why is this your job anyway? You work ft, he works ft (I'm guessing). Why isn't it his turn to do this one thing now anyway? Which is presumably finite (i.e. you're hoping it will lead pretty quickly to not waking at this time)

My heart goes out to you, broken sleep and partners who don't understand / won't help / think the status quo is fine, are killer. I went through this kind of thing and I'm sorry to say it was one of the big things that made me lose affection and respect for my ex - he just didn't see why me being long term worn ragged for lack of sleep was in any way a problem. And the effect that it had on me - making me boring, emotional, very uninclined to try new things, very unimaginative, and frankly, fat - he saw as just my personal inadequacies.

I think you need to tackle this head on. Don't do what I did and think you are keeping the peace by putting up with it, because his is being unfair, and it will impact your relationship. Get someone else involved if necessary. He needs to see that accusing you of not listening, because it's his easy go-to way of defusing a request that he be a decent partner by turning it into an opportunity to criticise you - that this has no bearing whatsoever on what is really happening and he is really not in any way the good guy here.

MaudlinNamechange · 21/08/2016 07:44

(My ex did this too - I was unable to ask for support for him, specifically in the form of not being selfish about certain things, because every time I asked him to do or not do x or y the conversation would immediately move to him criticising me, so that all my requests were invalid)

GoldFishFingerz · 21/08/2016 07:51

Working as a team for him means you doing as told. However the smelling breastmilk thing is a fact

Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 21/08/2016 07:54

My 12 year old says that nobody is listening to him when he doesn't get his own way. We are always listening, just not doing exactly what he wants. Your husband sounds the same.
I also have a baby who will be cuddled to sleep by DH but will not by me and demands that I feed him to sleep.

bakeoffcake · 21/08/2016 08:04

I agree with the poster who said "substitute listening for obeying".

He's also playing mind games, (gas lighting?, I'm not sure) by saying he'll do anything to help you, yet when you ask he says he's not doing that, thus instigating an argument and then telling you he never helping again! (He actually never helps in the first place)

When I wanted to stop night feeds with DD, she was 16 months, the only way it worked was DH did everything for her in the evenings, I had to just keep away, it took 3 nights and that was it, no more night feeds.

HYour H is being unsupportive and nasty.

KatyN · 21/08/2016 09:27

Is he working ft as well?? I would suggest while you crack the night waking you plan to do nothing over the weekend (and maybe have a couple of days off work) except take it in turns to sleep. But you need to make a plan together for how to drop night feeds and approach it as a team.

Good luck k

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