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Original poster

Cousin's ex wife playing happy families on FB

178 replies

TaterTots · 20/08/2016 14:00

My cousin is long since divorced from his first wife. I hadn't seen her since until two years ago when it was their daughter's 18th. I and most of the family were perfectly civil with her; the day was about her daughter, not old feuds, and my cousin now has a civil, if not friendly, relationship with her after much antipathy in the early years.

The next day I'd put some pics on FB and she popped up saying how lovely they were. (She isn't my friend on there, but can see things her daughter is tagged in). Fair enough - but now she pops up every time there's a family do saying how lovely it all is and what a happy occasion. Then the other week I uploaded some old pics of my (deceased) nan, tagging family members I thought would be interested. There she was again. My nan hated her!

Today my other cousin's daughter (cousin 1's sister) turned 21. Ex-wife has posted long flowery update about 'Where has the time gone, your parents must be so proud'. To give this context, she isn't FB friends with the birthday girl - she's just posted on her timeline of her own accord. This is despite the fact that one of the proud parents - my cousin's sister - utterly, utterly despises her. Why would you actively engage in those circumstances?

I had a nosey at her FB and she has my cousin's surname listed under Other Names - yet not her maiden name. Wouldn't people who wanted to find her be more inclined to search for that than a married name she hasn't used this century (and went by for less than four years)?

She is remarried with two more kids, so unlikely she is looking for a way back in. Is this just for show ('look how civilised I am with my ex's family') or is she really wearing rose-tinted specs about the whole marriage and her relationship with our family? (As background, she was delighted to marry into a big close family at the time, but after the split we were terrible controlling people who never gave her a chance.)

OP posts:
WannaBe · 20/08/2016 18:11

I see that OP has recently joined MN. You know, one of those posters who posts a couple of inocuous replies before..... Hmm.

hownottofuckup · 20/08/2016 18:14

It's not re-writting history though is it, it's living in the present. She's obviously moved on and let old grudges go. Good for her.

Just5minswithDacre · 20/08/2016 18:16

Hang on. So op Isn't the cousin? She's the third wife? Or both; the third wife married to her cousin?! Confused

heknowsmysinsheseesmysoul · 20/08/2016 18:16

Oh I see.

RockinHippy · 20/08/2016 18:16

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
TaterTots · 20/08/2016 18:17

WannaBe - is the head girl saying I'm too new to play?

First I'm the wronged second wife. Then I'm a DM journo. Now I'm just making it up for devilment. Come on - accuse me of being my own cousin next!

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 20/08/2016 18:19

I too don't get this either.
Maybe the poor woman didn't think she stood a chance when she married into such a nosey family.
It's really none of your business what she posts on fb and she sounds more than happy to live in the future unlike yourself.
Her posts sound very friendly and you sound a bit unhinged to still be bothered about a cousin's ex wife, the cousin isn't even immediate family, but your extended family. You need to get some family perspective.

HeddaLettuce · 20/08/2016 18:21

So what did she do that was so bad your cousing "utterly utterly despises her" and your nan hates her too?

DoitotmeSheldon · 20/08/2016 18:21

Yellowbird Grin

Just5minswithDacre · 20/08/2016 18:23

She's got a point though; life would be so much easier if nobody were pleasant and everybody say rand their 'nan's' slagging everyone else off.

We'd all no where we were then Smile

Just5minswithDacre · 20/08/2016 18:25

She left the firm Hedda Sad

Sallystyle · 20/08/2016 18:25

I like my ex husband's nieces and nephews posts all the time. My ex SIL's as well.

I didn't speak to them at all for many years after I left my ex husband because they hated me for a while. I started speaking to them a bit about 4 years ago and when my ex husband died we got closer and I spoke to them lots more.

My children love that I'm friendly with that side of their family.

My only motive is that enough time has passed for everything to be water under the bridge and they were my family for a long time and it's lovely to read what they are all up to. I imagine your cousin's ex wife feels the same.

I used to spend Xmas with my dad, mum and my dad's ex wife. I was also very close to my ex husband's wife. It's just a non issue isn't it?

DoitotmeSheldon · 20/08/2016 18:26

I feel like I've fallen down a rabbit hole. But Tatertots you are incredibly entertaining. Try a few deep breaths, in through the nose out through the mouth and leave Facebook alone it's not healthy for you

Original poster
TaterTots · 20/08/2016 18:33

Hedda - not sure in my cousin's case (ie the sister). I don't really understand why she won't let it go. All I can think of is that she had her first child around six months before her sister-in-law did. She was an utterly devoted mother to a much-wanted child; SIL's child was unplanned, and was treated as something of a pawn during the divorce. I think this was just so alien to how she would be that she couldn't handle it. I will emphasise that I DON'T agree with this view myself.

As for my nan, she would've hated anyone who hurt her grandchildren. Not necessarily 100% fair, but understandable.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 20/08/2016 18:39

Tater I'm sensing that you have some ^anger.

Seriously you sound so aggressive. And really, it's not something that should raise even an eye roll from you at most.

GoldFishFingerz · 20/08/2016 18:43

I think you should keep your nose out. At least she's being nice, which you're not.

GoldFishFingerz · 20/08/2016 18:44

I don't know why you are giving any of this any thought. Non of it matters

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 20/08/2016 18:44

I think she's probably put the past behind her, is at a happy stage in her own life, and is filled with bonhomie towards the world. Most people think others will welcome their niceness. I understand you being curious about the motivation. That's what I think it is.

CalleighDoodle · 20/08/2016 19:42

This thread is hilarious!

The cousin's ex did nothing wrong. Op your family you sound mean.

i8sum314 · 20/08/2016 20:12

onemorecoffee your comment should have been liked!

I don't see this as ''playing'' and not playing happy families I'd see it as going in to situations that might be potential awkward, might be open to misunderstandings and waving a white flag.

sophiestew · 20/08/2016 20:15

I just don't understand why this bothers you? Surely it's nice that she feels positively towards all these people who are still part of her DC family, even though she is not?

I keep an interest in my XSILS and still consider my nieces and nephews on my XH side as very dear to me. I liked a photo on FB of my "xnephews" today in fact. I really doubt that anyone in XH family gave it a second thought.

I had no idea this would make me a pariah Grin

Sounds like the cousins XW had a lucky escape getting away if the rest of the family are like you OP.

VioletRoller · 20/08/2016 20:51

Why do you have an issue with her moving on from the past? X

almondpudding · 20/08/2016 21:07

So there are two cousins, one aged 18 and one aged 21, and their parents. One of the mothers is making an attempt to be cordial for the sake of their daughter.

Then there's you, OP, who are not a parent of either of the young people celebrating their birthdays, but merely a cousin of one of the parents.

It's not really your family is it? You're not a first cousin to either of the young people, but the parents kindly invited you to the 18th birthday party. I don't think any of this is really your business.

zerrydeeer · 20/08/2016 21:31

Op, the ex-wife clearly ruffled a few feathers. And it sounds like she treated your cousin like crap. But he has forgiven her & moved on with his life & it seems like she has done the same.

I don't think you should have been given such a hard time on here but the way you keep insinuating that she is no longer part of this wonderful family because she didn't quite make the cut, comes across as hugely patronising and a tad smug.

Your cousin clearly loved this woman and they had children together. Her children are biologically closer to your cousin than you are, and she is their mother. So, actually she may not be a liked part of the family, but she is still a part of the family, nonetheless.

I hope I haven't sounded bitchy, that was not my intention x

Original poster
TaterTots · 20/08/2016 22:40

Zeerydeeer - No, you haven't sounded bitchy Smile

Almond - with all due respect, you don't appear to understand that extended families can be very close. It's a bit rude to say they're not my family. I have an aunt I don't see from one year to the next - she isn't somehow more my family than my cousins' kids because the blood tie is closer.

OP posts: