Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to still be annoyed at friends comment even though it was years ago?

47 replies

Happyhippy45 · 19/08/2016 16:18

About 10 years ago when we lived abroad, we were friends with another family who had moved to the same town as us around the same time.
We socialised together as a family and also I went for walks/coffee with the mum. My DH hung out with the dad and did "manly" things😂
I babysat her son and she babysat for my two. We were (I thought) quite good friends.
They were regular church goers. We are not. It wasn't a problem as far as I was concerned.
One day when we were out for a walk, chatting like usual she directly asked me
"How can you (me personally) raise children with morals if you don't go to church?"
I don't remember my exact response, I didn't lose it with her but I stormed off.
I was really insulted. I didn't speak to her for quite some time. Our husbands managed to play diplomat (so we could socialise again.)
I'm not great with conflict so I just kind of pretended nothing had happened and we carried on as normal. Everytime I think of it I get angry all over again.

OP posts:

dangerrabbit · 19/08/2016 18:13

Are you still friends with her?

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 19/08/2016 18:20

We email every now and again. Christmas Her husband keeps in touch more than her. I don't think they'll ever book a flight come and visit us though.

OP posts:

LittleBeautyBelle · 19/08/2016 18:23

It sounds like she was upset that your daughter talked about sexual topics with her son, both ten years old. I would guess she felt her son was too young for the kind of things your daughter was saying, and that your daughter's perspective toward the topic is different than her family's.

Perhaps when she tried to talk to you about it, you dismissed her concerns so she asked you out of resentment about the process you use to discern your family's positions on important topics like sex, etc. which in turn offended you.

You want to tell her off after all this time, that is it, isn't it. Ten years is a long though.

PeppasNanna · 19/08/2016 18:27

In all honesty? YABVU 10 yrs ago?
Are you bored?

Obsessedalready · 19/08/2016 18:33

If it's still bothering you 10 years later it must have touched a nerve of some kind. If you work out what it was you might be able to make peace with it.

Sounds like you need to for your own sake not to save the friendship at this point.

Witchend · 19/08/2016 18:35

It sounds like she was genuinely asking a question rather than trying to goad you or be nasty. If I'd been asked that, I'd have answered it and not seen anything to get upset about

MrsBobDylan · 19/08/2016 18:38

It must have touched a nerve to still get you riled up. It's also a good sign that in the last 10 years you have been surrounded by reasonable people who are nice, if this is the last awful thing anyone said to you. Looking on the bright side!

sonjadog · 19/08/2016 19:00

If she said it like it sounds in your OP, it sounds like she was genuinely interested in finding out more about how another person lives their life. In which case, could you not have had a normal conversation about it and maybe expanded her understand of the world (and maybe yours too), instead of storming off? Storming off doesn´t really achieve anything. Maybe that is why you are still thinking of this so many years later? Is it because deep down you know you blew a chance to have a real discussion about important things with someone? Otherwise, I don´t understand why you are still getting emotional about this at all.

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 19/08/2016 19:08

littlebeauty yeah she prob was upset. Her son made it sound like my daughter had just volunteered all this info on him, where in fact he had been asking her. Kids do that kind of stuff. Families are all different in how and what they tell their kids. Also girls and boys mature at different rates. I get that.
I didn't dismiss her. In fact I was taking her side that my daughter probably shouldn't be discussing these things with friends.....but that kids do discuss these things and we can't always stop them.
I didn't find out until later (from both kids) that her son had brought it up and was hounding her for answers.
Yeah 10 years is a long time. I don't dwell on it all the time, just pops into me head every now again and I remember how pissed off I felt and how "judged" I was and my daughter was.

OP posts:

Gottagetmoving · 19/08/2016 19:09

I don't think she was questioning your parenting abilities, she was just asking how you can raise a child with morals if you don't go to church. She gets her morals from the teachings of the church so will wonder how it's possible to learn morals without that.
Even if she was questioning your parenting abilities, why would you be bothered unless you also think you are lacking in some way?
If I were you I would be more concerned about myself still feeling angry 10 years later. Let it go. It was such an insignificant event.

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 19/08/2016 19:11

Nah wasn't a nicely asked question. It was an attack. She was angry.

OP posts:

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 19/08/2016 19:13

Yeah just re read OP. Sounds like we were just friendly chatting. We were talking (chatting) about the conversation our kids had had. She got annoyed.

OP posts:

passingthrough1 · 19/08/2016 19:16

You know what I find weird, how religious people think it's a choice .. Like I should just suck it up and go to church and baptise my child etc. You believe or you don't bekieve. Even if I went to church I wouldn't actually be a religious person, I'd be pretending and is that better?

Damselindestress · 19/08/2016 19:20

YANBU. What she said was really rude and ignorant! Of course it's possible for people to have morals and know right from wrong without being religious! I also find it difficult to get over things in the past when I feel frustrated that I didn't stand up for myself at the time so not sure how to work through that, sorry.

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 19/08/2016 19:20

gottagetmoving
This one incident was just one of many. I was the youngest in my peer group by about 10 years, so was often offered adviced and assumptions made that I was not parenting "correctly" because of my age and liberal attitude.

OP posts:

passingthrough1 · 19/08/2016 19:22

I get why these things can stay with you.
One of my friends asked (very genuinely) that wouldn't it be right if I described myself as agnostic not an atheist, since surely I couldn't be sure there was no god?
I know it was meant well but that has grated on me. By that logic, shouldn't she also say she is agnostic (how can she be 100% sure that there is a god, and that that God is the same one she prays to)? Lovely person but I guess what bothered me was that my atheism is clearly an "issue" with her and something that she thinks about.

GingerbreadGingerbread · 19/08/2016 19:28

Was she asking you in an interested sense? IE she may have you asked you how you have done it without using religion as a background? It could have been a genuine curiosity thing.

emotionsecho · 19/08/2016 19:29

Why do you care whether she was 'judging' you? Do/did you feel her approval of you and your parenting was important? It seems as if you do/did and her remark hit a nerve, otherwise you would have forgotten about it a long time ago.

Her opinion of you and your parenting is only relevant if you make it so.

Original poster

Happyhippy45 · 19/08/2016 19:56

Thank you damsel
ginger It wasn't a nicely asked question, it was meant as "how can you possibly raise a child with good morals." Her evidence to my child not having good morals was my DD discussing her very limited knowledge about sex with her friend whom she trusted.
emotion what she said was hurtful. She was a friend. In my book friends don't make judgy remarks/statements intentionally about their friends.
And everybody else. Thank you for giving me a bit of perspective on this.
Some feelings stay with you years after they have happened. I still cringe at the odd embarrassing/foolish moments from childhood/teenage years. I thought everybody did?

OP posts:

emotionsecho · 19/08/2016 21:35

Happy I understand it being hurtful, but you don't and didn't need her approval, she clearly missed the bit in the Bible which says "Judge not lest you are judged and found wanting" (or something like that)

Yes, I cringe about embarrassing/foolish things I did, but I don't, and wouldn't, let a remark such as your 'friend' made haunt me for 10 years, her judgement of you and your parenting is irrelevant, she is not worthy of having her opinion respected by virtue of the fact that she made the remark in the first place.

Don't waste your time and energy even thinking about her or her remark, she's not worth it.

lljkk · 19/08/2016 21:56

It sounds like the start of an intellectual discussion not an insult .... but OP insists it was asked in an angry attacking way, which came completely out of the blue. Why didn't you confront her then to say how hurt you were that she thought so little of you? But what's done is done. You dealt with it then in your own way & you have both moved on, sort of....

Take this from an expert who can milk stuff decades later : it's a waste of your life to hold a grudge over this.

LittleBeautyBelle · 19/08/2016 23:54

Ah, Happy, so you tried to talk to her...sounds like maybe she's one of these holier than thou types?

I would guess that from her perspective, she was very upset because of the sex talk specifically since in Christianity, sex is considered an intimate act within holy matrimony (a sacrament) that creates new life with human marriage mirroring the union between Jesus, the bridegroom and his bride the church and the child is the fruit of that union, which is love. So I am betting that this woman was hoping to teach her son the "beautiful" explanation of sex but your daughter beat her to it with all the elegance of a 10-year-old's understanding ha!!

Her resentment at this resulted in her condescending question to you, and of course you didn't appreciate her insinuation.

You probably still think about it because your husband is still friends with her husband and you two still email occasionally. That explains why it pops in your head sometimes, also you feel it was unjust of her to treat you that way and so it's never been resolved.

How to resolve it? If you like this woman and want to continue a good friendship with her, you may want to try emailing her and telling her what you told us; you could say that you know it's been a long time but wanted to resolve that incident. If you don't like her anyway, you could still email her and tell her how you feel. If someone emailed me like that, I would be inclined to apologize and try to explain my perspective and hopefully gain a peace with that old friend. Good luck, Happy.

Flip

1 2