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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: to feel constantly undermined

29 replies

Brightredpencil · 18/08/2016 13:54

My DH ALWAYS challenges my opinion in EVERY.SINGLE.THING. It is tiring and irritating not to mention reducing my self esteem. I just asked him to pick up some Vitamin B12 supplements because blood tests have recently shown I am on the low side (sub clinical though) and I'm completely exhausted. He out right refused immediately and questioned why I thought I needed them, said he wouldn't do anything until he had 'researched' whether they were useful or of any benefit. It became a big deal (mountain out of molehill) and was honestly a bit weird and embarrassing in front of my children. I said "well don't bother getting any then" (and I will just get some myself without mentioning it next time!).
I give this example because it's just happened and is a good illustration of how ridiculously annoying it is. I suggest watching one programme and he rubbishes it before even knowing what it is?! I suggest going somewhere and he will literally scoff and laugh with the reasoning being something like "well, if you want to travel on a mid afternoon on a Tuesday facing all the traffic from local town and the roadworks".
I feel it undermines me so that when I challenge back I look like the bad guy in front of the children. AIBU and what should I do?

OP posts:
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 18/08/2016 13:55

Stop consulting him. He sounds like a twat, tbh.

glitterwhip · 18/08/2016 13:58

This is bloody annoying ..I've been there with my ex ..he undermined every decision I made and it really got to the point where I started to doubt my own opinions on things.
It makes me so angry to think I allowed him to do that ..it's a control thing ..is he controlling in other ways?

ElspethFlashman · 18/08/2016 13:58

He's an arsehole who doesn't like you very much. He thinks you're a fool who needs putting straight.

How much do you challenge it? How much of it are your kids witnessing and absorbing?

MrsMozart · 18/08/2016 13:59

How knackering!

Have you tried talking to him about it?

Oobis · 18/08/2016 14:00

Has he always been this way? Has something happened to undermine his confidence in your opinions? I crashed a car with DH and FIL in once and DH went a bit like this afterwards. We didn't have children though. I would be concerned about his constant showing the children he out ranks you though....

ComedyWing · 18/08/2016 14:01

What Elspeth said. Does he also continually undermine and challenge other men, or does he reserve this tiresome one-up-manship for women, or just you?

8angle · 18/08/2016 14:02

He doesn't like you, sorry.

What do you get out of this relationship? - that is no way to live your life.

Imagine another 30 more years of this.

Has he always been like this - or has something changed recently?

Original poster
Brightredpencil · 18/08/2016 14:03

I think the reason why it concerns me enough to post here is because it makes me doubt my opinions so much. I have recently become aware that he is outright WRONG on some things which he presents as gospel. He just says things with a lot of confidence. I am and have always been much more fence sitting aware of grey areas whereas he is black and white.
My children witness it ALL THE TIME and absorb it too which obviously isnt ideal. In my head I think it's fine to disagree on stuff but it's literally everything and I feel like a baby someone has to make decisions for...

OP posts:
Pettywoman · 18/08/2016 14:04

You can't live like that. What happens if you confront him about it or do it back to him to show him what it's like? Seek Relate or something or leave. You'll be a shell of yourself if you put up with it, not to mention the shitty family dynamics your children will witness which may rub off on them.

What an insufferable knob he sounds.

BothBarrels · 18/08/2016 14:05

If it was just about vitamins I would give thought to what he's saying, as apparently the only vitamin supplement proven to be beneficial is vitamin D and the links that a lot of other vitamins have to boosting health (such as vitamin c and colds) is complete rubbish, however, undermining everything suggests he doesn't trust your judgement as an adult. If it were me I would simply say I'm not asking for your opinion or thanks for your opinion but I can make my own decisions and I don't need permission. If you find that his reaction suggests he thinks you do need permission, you are in an abusive relationship.

user1471422849 · 18/08/2016 14:07

"I'm not asking you for advice. Will you get them or not?"

And similar.

Pettywoman · 18/08/2016 14:07

Sounds like you'd thrive without him. Imagine your freedom and self confidence without everything being questioned and belittled all the time.

Post in Relationships, you'll get lots of help and advice there.

BothBarrels · 18/08/2016 14:09

What PrettyWoman said also re him saying lots of things you've later found out to be wrong he sounds like he has an inflated opinion of himself. I'd run a mile tbh.

Original poster
Brightredpencil · 18/08/2016 14:09

I don't think this is just me - I have seen him do it to other people (including my parents which was embarassing actually).
I was a teenager when we got together and he is 10 years older than me so I can see why this has come about because I was naive and sheltered and not as clever or well educated so probably unwittingly enabled his higher rank.

OP posts:
glitterwhip · 18/08/2016 14:09

Op I could have written your post a few years ago
No matter what I said or did it was wrong and he was always right ...if I liked something it was automatically crap (until someone else told him they liked it and then it was acceptable) ..he did it control me and make me feel like me and my opinions were worthless
Like others have said this is no way to live x

GettingScaredNow · 18/08/2016 14:14

Are you married to my STBXH?
Cos they sound identical!
Fucking annoying and soul destroying behaviour.

It's a wanky way of controlling you and making you feel you couldn't possibly survive in this world without him. I mean, how could you?? You are wrong about everything. And he is perfect and correct about everything including he stuff he just made up

And yes to saying utter bollocks with confidence! Took me a while to reconcile that one.

LTB. Cos he doesn't like you. you and your kids deserve better

semideponent · 18/08/2016 14:18

Poor you - your DH sounds really annoying - I would probably just stop talking to him (which wouldn't be a great solution).

And, as I'm here, Magnesium-OK produced by Wassen is my favourite supplement - all the Bs, some D and magnesium. Great for sleeping well and raising my energy levels. Got it in Waitrose.

glitterwhip · 18/08/2016 14:23

You were younger than him and perhaps naive ..men like that thrive on the power imbalance that creates ..by no means is he cleverer or more intelligent than you he just wants you to think he is! X

Original poster
Brightredpencil · 18/08/2016 14:24

Oh thanks for the vitamin advice - I will go soon and pick some up!! (Frankly I'd try anything at this point!)
As for LTB - I couldn't do that. We rub by fairly well apart from this, he is nice to me and very patient with the children. I think I need to find a way to woman up and take some of the control back.

OP posts:
8angle · 18/08/2016 14:26

We rub by fairly well apart from this, he is nice to me the evidence of your previous posts would suggest otherwise

HandbagCrazy · 18/08/2016 14:29

Don't ask questions - instead of "shall we go to X today?" say "we are going to X today."
I don't see any reason to put value on his opinions if he doesn't do the same.

If he spouts rubbish and presents it as fact, stay calm and point it out. If he's in any way a decent person, he will soon realise that he's being a dick and pack it in.

DH used to do something similar (presenting something as fact without being sure). I found out once and pointed out the correct answer I googled it
I know refer to this incident when I'm challenging him
Eg DH "The sky is green you know"
Me "really? Or is this like the time you told me X but were 20 million percent wrong?" I do it in a lighthearted way and we laugh now but he's long since stopped talking this kind of rubbish.

Pettywoman · 18/08/2016 14:29

Well if you think you can stay in the marriage and make it work for you then good, that's great. Just remember you only have one life, don't waste it being belittled by the person who is supposed to be your closest ally and support.

ElspethFlashman · 18/08/2016 14:30

He is nice to you?

You get crumbs and think they're cake. Sad

absolutelynotfabulous · 18/08/2016 14:32

Sounds like my hopefully stbx. Soul destroying bahaviour. I think it may be partly down to insecurity on his behalf which results in ridiculously controlling behaviour.

Tbh he doesn't sound "nice" and the fact you say he's patient with the dcs is more of a red flag imho because it shows he can be perfectly nice when it suits him.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 18/08/2016 14:34

He sounds absolutely horrible. If your boss treated you like this you'd be finding ways to get another job, if your mum was like this you'd be on here asking about how to confront her.

It's not normal and it's not nice. I suspect he's nice to you only when you're toeing the line.

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